My Purpose This Season

Mark spent four solid days sick in bed with the flu, following my company Holiday party.

In between the events we had planned, I did my best to pick up his end of the duties and keep him comforted.

I know most women are like....AWWW GEEZ ANOTHER MAN-COLD?

But Mark seriously never gets sick. And if he ever does, he never bothers me while he's recovering. He just keeps chugging along like it's not happening. So I knew he was really bad this time.

My to-do list was being checked off, but Friday held a lot of prep for the weekend. Although we didn't host our family Christmas party this year, I still had guests arriving and food to make and gifts to wrap.

For exactly three solid hours Friday evening, I set up a gift-wrapping station in my sitting room, turned on some Christmas tunes, and set out to wrap every last gift, scrub down the bathroom and add the final touches to our guest room to give my cousin's a welcome and cozy retreat.

Although I may have joked about worrying less about how the presents are wrapped, I truly love how they look, with fresh bows and crisp corners, if only I could display them somewhere that I could see them.

This year was different.

Without our beloved Crash scampering around the house, getting into everything, I took a chance and filled the baskets around our Christmas tree with presents. Gift after glorious gift, piled high for display. And Burn could have cared less.

Success!

Even though I was tired, I was ecstatic to see this view. 

A view filled with magic and joy at the anticipation of family opening each gift in the coming weeks.

Yes, I may have over-done it in the gift-giving department this year.
Perhaps it was a bit of retail therapy as I'm not buying gifts for my own baby, but seeing those presents under the tree, and knowing how much thought I put into each of them, was everything I had hoped to see for years.

Mark tossed and turned all night Friday and I woke earlier than expected from broken sleep.

I wanted to prepare an easy pecan-cinnamon role casserole for Sunday morning, so got to work.
After the ingredients were piled high, I finished moving fresh towels to the guest room, and filled a cup of coffee for myself. Seriously, how festive is this MUG?!

Shortly after, my cousin and her beautiful family arrived.
Burn was introduced to his first baby, and although clearly over-excited, was easily managed.

We all got dressed and headed off to our family Christmas party where we ate and drank and laughed the night away. I swear, my cousin and I could be sisters, don'cha think?

The night, however, was bittersweet.

I was thrilled to see my parents doing well.

My dad has been on the up and up, and it's a nice change of pace from the hectic, worrisome months prior.

And my mom.
Gosh.
She met our six month old niece for the first time, and as I watched her holding that tiny baby, tears welled up in my eyes, knowing I am unable to provide her with grandchildren.

It stung a bit, remembering all the sacrifice and hope and loss we went through, to try and conceive ourselves, and in the end, we are left living vicariously through other family's as they grow their own.

I didn't know I could love another person's child with every ounce of my being, while at the same time equally sad for myself.

Luckily, the sad emotions were fleeting, likely enhanced by the wine.

Our weekend wrapped up Sunday morning, and I was left to tend to Mark and carry on with my own life.

I was driving home from Orangetheory Sunday afternoon and while completely exhausted, soaked to the bone with sweat after an intense workout...I couldn't help but feel this wave of gratitude wash over me.

I am so lucky to have a husband that needs me to take care of him sometimes.
I am so lucky to have a warm house and an abundance of food and bedding to dole out to guests as needed.
I am so lucky to have the income to buy meaningful gifts for our family. Watching the kid's eyes light up when they open our gifts is the best gift I will ever receive in return.

I know this next week will be trying for my spirit as we watched our baby slip through our fingers last year, but I know in my heart I am exactly where I need to be, and exactly what I need to be for others.

My purpose this season is to bring joy and light and serve loved ones when I can, when they need me the most.

This is my last blog post for 2017, although you will likely find me on Instagram, if you'd like to follow the fun!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! XO

Kindness To You

I see you.

You, over there, plastering on a fake smile in the midst of a crowd, pushing that glimpse of sadness to the background as you remember your loss.

I see you and I understand.

Christmas is always so bittersweet, right?
The feelings of those that were snatched away from our lives too soon come to the forefront.

We strive to make magic and memories during these final weeks of each year, vowing to cherish each fleeting moment.

It seems counter-productive to dwell on those sad feelings; the ones that bubble up you stare a bit too long at the glow of your Christmas tree.

However, I believe that sort of reflection is a necessary part of life.
Self-care to sit with the grief for a bit of time.
To allow it to just...hover for a while.

It's okay to feel a little sad this time of year.
I would fare to guess most of us have lost something or someone in our lives that we wished we could have back, for just another day, right?

Among all the parties and social events, there are quiet moments when it's just you and your memories.
And those hot tears streaming down your face mean you care and you are alive.
So, please, embrace them.

Let them flow, and then hug your spouse, or your pup, or phone a friend or family member.
Catch up and laugh and cry.

Gather friends for a very casual dinner.
Lay some flowers on a grave site.
Play fetch with your pets for a few extra minutes.
Bite your tongue when the urge for anger rises.
Give the kids an extra dessert.
Sip another glass of wine.

Slow. Down. and give some kindness to yourself.

I, for one, am smack dab between the one-year mark of two rather monumental losses in my personal life. We lost our most beloved French Bulldog, Crash, and at this time last year, I was still carrying my baby boy.

I read my first published essay to Mark, about our IVF struggles and life thereafter, and it re-hashed some vivid moments regarding our miscarriage. Reading those words out loud stung more than typing them, and we sat and hugged and cried together.

We remembered how crazy it was to get the voicemail to tell us I was pregnant.
How we were given new titles of Mom and Dad that day.
And the joy that surrounded our success and the love we felt from those near and far.

It was such a great time and we will forever treasure the brief moments we had with our little boy.

So this Christmas, we are talking a lot.
When we are sad, we slow down and embrace each other, as tightly as needed.
And when we are happy, we celebrate.

We are turning towards each other, extending kindness, knowing how fragile our emotions are this month.

I urge you to do the same.
To vocalize the happy moments and the sad ones, too.
You are not alone.
Those in the similar shoes, please, give a little more kindness to others, and most importantly, to yourself.

Good Tidings to You, wherever you are. XO

Want a Happier Christmas? Do This

ramp up your anxiety meds

Not quite, although I can't say I'm not already doing that.
#ChristmasBluesAreNoJoke

Hands down the easiest way to be happier at Christmas is simple.

STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT EV-ER-Y-THING.

See? It's like one step.
Easy peasy.

Let's talk it out, though.

I figured a snarky "do this, not that" post would fit the bill. Ready?

DO give a shit about buying presents for those that deserve it family.
DON'T give a shit about them being perfectly wrapped.

Yes, wrapping paper and tags and bows and ribbons are super cute, but it's also annoying as shit when the seams don't line up, the paper won't cut nicely, the tape gets stuck to your hand, the dogs ass is in the way, and something tears in transit to the party you're headed to.
The expectations are too high these days!

Plus, we all know how quickly those little hyenas (I mean kids, and Hell...my husband for that matter) tear through that beautifully wrapped paper, just to quickly GASP at the present, fling it aside, and move onto the next one.

What took you 20 minutes per present is undone in the blink of an eye.

Side note: I wish I could say I'm one of those people that can pre-wrap gifts and display them under the tree so I can admire my own handi-work. But the reality is, I have a fat bulldog that likes to snoop around and chew up boxes and a really old cat that tends to have trouble finding his litter box.

It's quite the shit show. pun intended

DO spend some time with loved ones
DON'T feel obligated to spend ALL your time with EVERYONE just because it's Christmas.

You have important things to do like sleep, nap, zone out, get drunk and pet your dog, get drunk and admire your Christmas decor, just stop doing stuff for five minutes, etc, etc.

DO plan out the meal if hosting a festive dinner
DON'T get worked up if all the table settings don't match.

Anyone who is anyone I know doesn't own table settings for 20 people.
If you do (where do you keep your secrets?)
SO WHAT if the kids have to eat on paper plates.
SO WHAT if you decide to pull out the 4th of July paper plates FOR EVERYONE because you worked you ass off all day in the kitchen and the LAST thing you wanna do is clean up after all those scavengers destroy your house, eat all your food, and complain about their latest ailments for most of the evening.

I love a good game plan heading into any hosted event. But not all the details need to be perfect. Something catches on fire, dishes get broken, you lose track of time and can't squeeze in a shower, your husband is always no where to be found just as guests arrive (early) and demand cocktails.

Which leads me to....

DO chill champagne and festive beer in the fridge
DON'T expect to serve everyone some hand-shook cocktail all night.

Take a cue from me.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TEST OUT THOSE AMATEUR BARTENDING SKILLS.

I love a fancy cocktail more than anyone, with all the unique ingredients and accouterments, but there is definitely a time and a place.
And that place is most definitely NOT at your big Christmas party (unless you HIRED a bartender, in which case...where is my invite!?)

You know what looks festive AF and takes zero effort?
Pink champagne and a maraschino cherry.
Just give it a fancy name like Rudolph Bubbly and people will think you put more thought into it than you actually did. People just wanna get drunk anyways, so why make it complicated?

DO decorate to some extent for Christmas.
DON'T worry if you give up half-way 

The main thing I keep thinking of with every piece of glitter-bombed decor I put up?
It has to all come down at some point.

And who honestly has time to make their house look like a Homegoods display?!
If you do, more power to you...but it should be because you WANT to, not because you feel obligated.

If it's not, just do what I did and forgo anything on the Christmas tree.
The lights look just fine by themselves. All I have to do is unplug the tree and shove it back in the box in January.

DO make your husband buy some of the gifts on your list
DON'T do it all yourself

AND if you're feeling extra sassy...make him wrap the damn things too. While you're watching him apply his third layer of tape over the wrinkled paper (how did that actually happen?) gulp your wine and remember the above motto....the hyenas will tear it off faster than you can blink an eye.

DO something that brings YOU joy this Christmas
DON'T tailor the magic to everyone else on your list

Just because my husband and I don't have kids doesn't mean we can't do the fun kid-stuff for Christmas! You can bet your ass we'll be buying McDonald's and cruising around one evening looking at all the Christmas lights!

Or just getting all festive in some Christmas pj's and dancing around like fools.
Party of 2 y'all!!

Yes, I know all you women out there can make the most magical moments, pick the best gifts, cook the best food, and host your asses off....but that doesn't mean you have to kill yourself in the process!!

If it brings you joy, do it.
If you hesitate and would rather not.
Fucking don't do it.
You don't need that kind of pressure in your life!

We can't be everything to everyone, and the only person that truly matters is your own personal sense of health and well-being. If things fall off your plate, literally and figuratively, then let it be.

There will always be someone else to gather the pieces or a dog to lick up the scraps.

Tis the season, folks! Thanks for reading!! XO

Giving GOOD This Christmas with 31 Bits

A while back, while scrolling through Instagram, I stumbled upon a unique home and goods company called 31 Bits. Intrigued by their name and the rustic, hand-made nature of their items, I dug a little deeper.

And guys, I completely fell in love with this company. 

Here is a snippet of their Mission Statement: 

We collaborate with some of the most skilled artisans around the world by providing dignified job opportunities and giving them access to the global market

I have always been a huge advocate of jewelry that doesn't necessarily look like everyone else's, or owning home accessories that have a unique back-story, and this company checks off all the necessities!

Like my disclaimer says, I won't promote anything I wouldn't personally own, and I can assure you there will be a bunch of fun little items pop up in my future home renovations and Christmas stockings!

Plus! Through today, December 6th, they are offering 25% off all necklaces with code: MERRY25

These are some of my favorite picks!

Lovina Charms necklace. So stunning and unique!

Original Price: $56 with Discount: $42!

Pineapple necklace (for all my fellow infertility warriors!) 

Original Price: $39.50 Discount Price: $29.62!

My absolute favorite (and it's on sale PLUS the discount!) is the Sweeping Swirls necklace.

Original: $68 Sale Price: $54.80 with DISCOUNT $41!!

Every item in their shop, from tabletop to handbags, is all hand-made and unique to that item you will own. 31 Bits is giving these amazing artists a future and financial stability for their families. 

I hope you love this company as much as I do!

Give the gift of GOOD this Christmas!! XO

Dirty Santa Done Dirt Cheap

Let's hop on a more-fun note today. Sound good?

I bring you...my Dirty Santa gift guide.

Every year I scour Amazon for the funniest gifts since our family partakes in this annual Christmas Tradition. Give one of these at the next White Elephant party and you're sure to get a laugh!!

Dad Bod Fanny Pack // The Leg Nightlight // Grow the Fuck Up Book // Wine Bottle Glass // Freshmen Survival Guide // Lady Porn Coasters // Adult Coloring Book

Dad Bods: They are all the rage these days. Get the look AND function of holding your flip-phone, receipts, and post-it notes with this attractive fanny pack! 

Who can forget THE LEG lamp from Christmas Story? Give the miniature version for someone to look at every time they get up in the middle of the night to pee!

Know someone in the family that hasn't quite figure out how to adult yet? Want to passive aggressively stick it to 'em? This book is for them. It's actually super informative and easy to read and maybe they can get their head out of their ass long enough to skim through a couple chapters. 

I just love a wine goblet big enough for those rough weeks. Grab this glass and throw in a box of the finest Franzia for that crazy aunt of yours!

Any seniors heading off to college? This funny and witty guide helps keeps them in check and reminds them about things like...No, Dorito's actually AREN'T a food group.

You know those Ryan Gossling meme's you see floating around everywhere? These are just as good, but they are COASTERS. No rings on the counter from a cold beer already has me hot and bothered. They say things like, "here, let me fold the laundry for you."  Did you just cream your panties a little?! ME TOO. 

Finally, a good old fashioned adult coloring book. Politely tell someone to fuck off by gifting this one to them. Or do what I'm going to do and buy it yourself to vent some frustrations while guzzling a bottle, I mean, a glass of wine. 

Cheers, folks! XO

Grief Comes in Like a Wrecking Ball

Man oh man, you guys. Grief. What a shit show.

One day I'm partying and laughing with friends, and the next day I'm curled up in the fetal position crying so hard I think I popped an eyeball vessel.

The holidays are no joke this year.

I am so, so happy to be surrounded by upbeat and receptive people.
You have no idea how grateful I am to see this tribe of friends that have been in our lives for 20+ years. They show up to our events year after year and we all get to watch each other's lives unfold.

It's amazing and I am truly humbled that we get to share each other's ups and downs.

And then, after a completely fulfilling weekend, I find myself breathing heavy as I cry into my pillow...saddened by the thought that I should have a four-month old.
Flash backs of the day of our miscarriage are still fresh in my mind.
I still feel every pain, every tug, every emotion that occurred in those quick minutes where I watched our baby die in the palm of my hand.

I remember Mark, hysterical, throwing up in the garbage.
The numbness. The emptiness.

Gosh I wanted and still want that baby so badly I could just punch through a brick wall with my bare hands if it meant I could have him back.

Life isn't all that fair, sometimes.

I can't believe I get the "luxury" of getting over this phase in my life.
I can't believe it didn't work.

The grief is just so overwhelming sometimes.
It usually rears it's ugly head as I'm trying to fall asleep.
When it's just me and my thoughts.

I will be sobbing next to Mark, while he sleeps peacefully.
Finally he will stir enough to hear the chaos and roll over to me, gripping me tightly, trying to force me to calm down.

But it needs to come out.
All the ugliness and loudness and gasping for air.
It needs to come out so I can move forward.

My therapist said I need to work towards giving him a name, something to call him by.
But I honestly have never come up with anything worthy enough.

He's always just Baby.
The baby I was supposed to spend our first holidays together with this year.

It's a weird time, right now.
Thanksgiving came and went, and it was all the same yet completely not.
We announced to our families on Thanksgiving and all our friends the day after at our annual Shrimp Boil Friendsgiving last year.
And now I have nothing to show for that celebration.

We all carried on in the most upbeat fashions, myself included.
We laughed and drank and played games and enjoyed each other, and yet...sometimes I catch people...stuttering...that tiny, quick...awkward silence.

Because I know they know...they remember too.
I don't know what to say anymore than the next person.

That's the stumbling, bumbling, raw emotions that people try so desperately to hide most of the time.
That's why I talk about it.
Because it never quite goes away.
The grief.
And when it does show up, it comes in like a wrecking ball.
But as quickly as it rolls in, it disappears and you feel normal again.

Keep moving forward, my friends, as I plan to do the same.
XO

Spark in Life

Some first and lasts this week; I started my Orangetheory membership in a neighboring town. I took my final antibiotic, officially ridding me of this two week virus. I decorated for Christmas. I donated my treadmill. I unsubscribed from the fertility clinic's newsletters.

And most importantly...I am starting to feel that spark again.

Not just between Mark and me, pervs...I mean with my LIFE.

Not one to sit still for too long, I kept asking Mark what exactly it was that I did with "all my free time" before it was consumed with babies.

His response? 

I worked.

If I wasn't working, I was traveling to and from the office. (3.5 hours round trip, yo)

If I wasn't physically at the office, I was answering phone calls and emails about work.

If I wasn't doing any of the above..I was bitching about work.

#jesustakethewheel

I keep forgetting how hard my 20's were....fighting tooth and nail to get ahead with my career, waking up at 4am and getting home at 8pm (or later) most days,  trying to establish myself, to figure out what the Hell I'm actually good at, steer clear of recessions and job losses and unemployment, and make decent money in the process.

So when I finally landed in a job that I was actually praised and rewarded for all this prior hard work, with a much easier commute and more sanity....I decided to fill all my free time with babies.

Of course....what woman with a ticking biological clock wouldn't??

Just like every other thing I so desperately wanted in life...I worked my ass of to make a baby for five solid years. And although we failed miserably, it wasn't all in stride.

I am realizing there were many lessons to be learned in that chapter of our lives.

Coming out of that haze...I am starting to look around more clearly at everything we have worked for and all the rewards we have reaped and all the opportunities still staring us down.

We fucking did it. 

We moved out of a town that wasn't meant for us.

We moved into our forever home that we're in love with.

We became financially stable with good credit!

We climbed those damn ladders and someone is FINALLY allowing me grace to spread my wings and make a difference with my career.

And I have free time. And down time.

I can do whatever the Hell I want with it.

It's like a new lease on life, really.  I am starting to feel like this:

I am starting to take everything I have learned in my 20's and mix it into everything I have learned through infertility, to apply a more leveled approach to each day.

Before infertility, I was a very go go go person. I had extreme FOMO even though I desperately craved down and alone time. And I never gave myself that sort of self care, so basically I would party all the time, and then any down time was forced upon me from some sort of massive illness, recovery, rinse and repeat.

Fun.

And with infertility, well...I slowed down so much I hardly did...anything.

Sure, I appreciated sun rises and meditation and the simpler things in life. But at the same time, I always felt stuck. 

Like...Heaven forbid I work out for fear that I would harm my ever-failing fertility.

Or please don't be too social because then you have to keep explaining all this science to the crowd.

Don't participate in too many events because HELLO....IVF DEBT.

Just keep waiting and wishing and hoping, right?

That's all we have when we're in the droves of infertility.

It was all consuming. 

But I'm here to tell you that when you're on the other side, whether it's with a baby or not, you start to realize that a lot of what makes you YOU will eventually start showing itself again.

And it's fabulous.

All of my time is MINE again. 

I feel really weirdly powerful right now because I get to be as crazy and as spirited or quiet and reserved...all of what makes me....ME...again. I missed that bitch.

I forgot how much fun I am.

Not to toot my own horn too much but you should definitely invite me to your next get-together. I love mixing and mingling and working a crowd and making people laugh. I am hot mess most of the time and shamelessly honest. Those two qualities are fun to see in action.

I love....loving things. 

I love all the fun Christmas decor that's in all the stores these days.

I love growing closer to my friends and meeting new tribe members.

I love getting dressed up to go out.

I love that my husband stills slaps my ass and calls me his smokin' hot wife.

I love my pets TO DEATH. And they deserve more of my attention.

I love fitness and working out and feeling awesome in my own skin.

I love quiet nights in and the security and warmth that comes within the walls of our home.

I love Netflix and good tv shows.

I love good winter-time crockpot dinners and wine with friends while we dance to gangster rap. If you haven't been over in the last two years, don't worry, I am working to change all that.

I love that I have the designer's eye to change things around whenever and however the Hell I want. 

So...I'm getting there. 

I am forever grateful for all the disaster that happened the last few years with IVF and infertility. 

I truly mean that. 

Every shitty event that has ever happened in my life has been looked back on with lessons learned even though they were fucking trying at the time.

It taught me so much more than the fact that I have old-ass eggs. I learned to weave the quiet moments in with the super outrageous ones, and I think this new chapter is going to include a nice balance of the two. 

Those of you still on your own paths to motherhood....I am right here, rooting for you.

I promise.

And you bet your ass I'm still hoping for my own miracle. I still believe it could be possible...but this life sure as Hell can't wait around to find out. 

That's not how it works, anyways. 

Happy Thanksgiving folks. Hug your loved ones tight! XO

(ps, Happy 500th blog post to me!)

Halloween Treats (without the hassle)

You folks know I'm a sucker for Halloween.
It is hands down my favorite Holiday.

And today is Friday the 13th, no less!!!
SPOOOKY!!

Anyways, I make a point to try an incorporate as much Halloween-goodness into the month as possible, without making myself crazy.

I have already been busy decorating a few areas of our home.
I love coming up with new ways to re-use all the decor I have collected over the years!

I also plan to make some treats for my office.
I found a couple quick recipes that you should totally try out.
They don't require ANY baking!

The first are these Mummy Pretzels.

Super simple to make.

Just break off some chunks of almond bark and microwave for 30 seconds at a time (stirring in between each round) until completely melted.
Dunk each mini-pretzel into the bark and lay on parchment paper to cool.
I melt more almond bark and pour into a ziploc baggy, snip a small corner of the bottom of the bag, and drizzle more almond bark over the cooled pretzels to give it the mummy look.
Before the bark is completely set, I place two edible googly eyes on the top "holes" of the pretzels.
Easy peasy!

Then I making these adorably spooky Bat Bites.

How to assemble:
The base is a mini Reese's peanut butter cup.
The wings are an Oreo Thin, cut in half. (I used a sharper knife to keep the edges crisp)
I affixed the wings and edible googly eyes onto the peanut butter cup using black piping gel.
Leave out to dry and you're all set!!

While I'm making these goodies, I like to have a Halloween-themed movie going in the background.
My go-to faves are Hocus Pocus, Beetlejuice, and The Nightmare Before Christmas.

What are your favorite activities during this ghoulish season?
Thanks for reading!! XO

Fall Favorites

Happy Fall Y'all!
I'm not one to go crazy with Fall decorating. (I'll leave the crazy for Halloween, a thank you very much) but I do love a few festive touches throughout my home to make it feel a bit more cozy.

Here is what I'm loving this season....

Hand Towels // Magnolia Wreath // Vase Filler // Leaves Candle //
Plaid Pillow Cover // Present Over Perfect Book // Let's Stay Home Mug

These cute little hand towels don't scream Fall, which is basically why I love them. The martini towel is perfect for my bar cart and the other two are perched on the stove.

I hopped on that damn Joanna Gaines train and fell in love with magnolia wreaths. This one is from Hobby Lobby and with their standard 40% off one item coupon, you can walk away with this beauty for about $40.

Vase fillers. It's a weird thing to love, I know. These neutral accents work perfectly in our bathroom. I put a few eucalyptus essential oil drops on them for an extra kick of Fall.

I ordered my Fall and Winter candles when Bath and Body Works was having a sale. This Leaves one is the first to burn in my home. The slight cinnamon scent is divine.

You guys. I got way to excited when this black and white plaid pillow cover arrived at my doorstep. I slipped it over a summer pillow and BOOM! Instant Fall on my porch.

In this current season of my life, I am diligently working to weed out the chaos. I have read a few books on the subject and Present Over Perfect is my current fave. Grab a cup of piping hot coffee in this adorable mug and settle in for a good read.

Tis the season to slow down and savor, amiright?
Thanks for reading! XO

Type A People Live for Stationery Details

Guys.
If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a very Type A person.
I like logistics, planning, prepping, lists...details.

Give me all the little details and I will make something wonderful.

Wouldn't you agree?

Obviously we all know that a Type A personality and Infertility do. not. mix. and that has been a tough pill to swallow, but when it comes to designing the big and little things in my life..I still get the satisfaction of a job well done...all the way down to the nitty gritty details.

When I was pregnant, I giddily started looking at Baby Shower invite ideas, and while a lot of designs were beautiful, I always wished I had more control over the design process.

Enter Basic Invite.

Not only does this company have a ton of beautiful designs, but there are so many details that can be customized to create stationery that is so uniquely YOU.

I was blown away with the color options available for nearly every aspect of each invite. You can choose different background colors, font and font colors, change layouts, add personal photos, and the list goes on down to the tiniest detail.

The best part is, if you're stuck between designs, you can order full-size, customized prints for real-life comparison. I love this option because sometimes a computer screen can make the color look different, and there is nothing like holding the real thing in your hands before signing off.

You can even coordinate envelope colors and have Basic Invite assist with free address collection!

Graduation season is right around the corner, and I am a sucker for snail mail.

I have watched my nieces, nephews, and cousins turn into fine young adults, and would love to see their beautiful faces on one of these invitations in the near future.

Basic Invite has literally thought of all the big and little details to make the final presentation thoughtful and professional. It gives me all the heart eyes when a design plan comes together.

Check out Basic Invite, and tell me...what design is your favorite?

A huge thanks to my friends at Basic Invite for sponsoring today's post!

XO

IVF Consultation

Happy Hump day readers!
I hope everyone had a fun, yet relaxing end to 2015.

Mark and stayed in for the long weekend. We had a fondue party for two New Year's Eve and bounced back and forth between watching Miami's and New York's countdowns...ending with Chicago's and passing out by 1am.
Off the subject....pretty proud of Chicago for stepping it up this year! Getting Mario Lopez to host AND our star looked pretty fab...almost better than New York's big ole' ball....amiright?

Anyways, we had friends over New Year's day for a little lasagna dinner party, then capped off the weekend with an impromptu sledding romp after dinner Sunday night.

Mark let the dogs outside and was having a smoke...then abruptly whipped his head towards the door where I was standing...a mischievous grin across his face...."I'm going to skate down the front hill....turn the spot light on!"
I complied but promptly got 911 ready to dial as I was SURE he was going to fall and crack his head open, either on the ice or one of the 26 oak trees he needed to dodge.

Neither happened, of course....so he coaxed me outside.

Five minutes later we're both perched at the top of the ice hill in front of our house.
That led out onto the main street.
Sitting on flattened beer cases.
Mark sped down first and then tried to "catch" me at the bottom, which turned into me b-lining in the wrong direction and landing flat out on our driveway.

It was a blast!
I laughed so hard I gave myself an asthma attack (nerd!), and I think I peed a little.

And this week, it's back to reality.

We had our first IVF consultation with Dr. Jacobs early Tuesday morning.
I had a rough timeline in my head as to how the first half of the year would pan out...but the second we started talking with the doctor...I realized plans don't exist in this world.

Because we have to get PGD testing completed prior any embryo transfers, we also agreed to get PGS testing completed as well. He also suggested we only transfer one embryo in at a time...and then, of course, there was the line about how "this should only take 1-2 times before it works"....of course I'm pessimistic, but that would be pretty sweet!
Lastly, he calmed my nerves about the transfer itself. I had issues with the catheter during the HSG test, causing me to be put under for the procedure, so obviously I have nerves about the transfer for babies!

We will be doing a saline ultrasound prior to transfer, and if need be, he will stretch my cervix while I'm under during the retrieval.

(I have no idea if what I'm saying is correct...I kind of blanked out while he was saying all this)

PGD will test for our specific mutation match (MCAD) and PGS will test the overall structure and composition of the embryo and to rule out things like Down Syndrome.

If we're in...we're ALL in, I suppose.

I knew a lot of this going into the meeting, so I glanced often at Mark's face as Dr. Jacobs showed him the cell division stages, and how they use a needle to puncture the vaginal wall to suck out the embryos....ha.
Mark kept asking if I would be sedated while they did that...btw....and yes...I will be.

Are you still with me?

I thought I would be starting on birth control pills right away, or at least for my next cycle, which would be in less than a week. But....fun fact, if you are diving into genetic biopsies and lab testing and all that, you gotta pump the brakes for a hot minute while they get everything set up for you.

It takes then 5-6 weeks to get you a custom probe.
That's right...I said probe (twss).

I kept asking what the fuck a probe was...like, is it a timeline, or protocol...what is it and why does it take so long?!
My questions were met with a general answer that we get a customized test at the genetics lab, all ready to go, so that when my biopsied cells make their way to the lab, they know EXACTLY what they are testing for and all the checks and balances are in place and yada yada ya.

The Good Doctor seems to think if everything gets set-up smoothly we are looking at early to mid-February to start our "prep cycle."

The Prep Cycle, or PC, is when I take birth control pills to simmer down my hormones and they do some preliminary testing/paperwork/whatever is needed prior to the start of the stimulation period.

During this time, I will be headed to Highland Park to meet with a nurse for about an hour so she can show me how to jab myself the correct way with a million and one needles.
Looking forward to it.

So we get our "Your Miracle. Our Mission" packet of paperwork, Mark gets another lecture about how he needs to stop smoking, and we are on our way.

And then the calls and emails start coming in.
Like...almost immediately.
And I start tearing up because I guess I forgot how emotional all of this is...AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING YET....and I just need to calm the F down already.

So the lab shoots me an email to tell me the cost for everything and that they don't coordinate with insurance.
And of course I immediately took that as insurance wasn't even an option.
Even though I spent many painstaking hours searching insurance for 2016 that would, indeed, cover our genetic PGD testing.

Turns out I need to take a chill pill because although it WILL be out of pocket....up front, I should be able to submit claims to the insurance and get (somewhat) reimbursed.
Fun.

Anyways...for those of you that are wondering, I plan on being REEEEAAALLL honest about all of this.

And for those of you that are nosy....we are paired up with aParent IVF laboratory in Highland Park.

The cost for one PGD/PGS cycle is $4,500.
Testing each embryo is an additional $550 per embryo.
There is a fee to transport bloodwork (if needed) $200.
Plus the biopsy of any day-5 blasts: $2,000

Now...my insurance should cover most of that. Whether or not it actually happens is a whole other story.

I called Mark to vent because I'm a financial, organized person...and this is all already throwing me off track.

In the end..I made a pact with him that I don't necessary need answers and solutions from him...I will just need to vent my worries from time to time as this whole process is going to be super frustrating, yet joyful, yet stressful...but it'll all be worth it...and it would be awesome if he could just listen and hold my hand and tell me I'm not crazy.

It's only Day 2. We still have like two million to go.

Our next step includes hearing back from the genetics lab about whether or not I need blood-work sent to them, or if our Counsyl testing from last year will work.
After that we should have a timeline for when our probe (hehe) will be ready.

And then we're off like a herd of turtles.

Thanks for reading!

2015 Year in Review

This year has been awesome.
Exciting and fun and sad and trying...but oh so awesome.
Every day, every season, I felt like I grew as a person, as a wife, as a daughter, and as a career-woman.

These are the highlights.
I hope you take a moment out of your (long) weekend and re-read some of these posts....it's what made 2015 so great!

After FOUR. LONG. MONTHS. of shipping a workout tank around the entire United States...me and a dozen other ladies hosted a mutual giveaway for an awesome motivational tank top....we called it Track the Tank.

Mark and I battled with the uncertainties of figuring out how to make a baby.
Turns out....genetics were not on our side.

My job sucked. I won't lie. I needed a change and while most people would think getting laid off is a bad thing...I took it as a blessing to find what I truly loved.

After months of interviews, phone calls, resumes, hoping and praying...I landed my new job, one that I tailored to my needs and hope that I stay at for a loooonnnnggg time.

With the good, comes the bad....my relationship with my brother has always been rocky. He is on a path in life that I truly do hope he overcomes...but dragging me down along the way isn't part of it.
I resolved to let go of the toxic and turn my focus back to my family. It was tough, but ties needed to be broken. I hope he finds his way one of these days.

Memorial Day rolled around and we got to put our new pool heater to the test!
Success!

When we bought our new home, a lot of people thought maybe someone had gifted us money, like we couldn't do it on our own. There was jealousy and snide remarks. And to that I say...we worked for it.

At first, we thought we would put baby on the backburner for years....and I laugh at that thought now.
I was getting soo antsy...especially since I have been collecting a few items here and there.

4th of July happened and our party was FABULOUS!

My mom and I took a trip to Tennessee, we sold the pontoon boat and kept the summer vibes going.

I turned 32....and had a bit of an emotional roller coaster with a happy ending.

I kicked some fitness ass the entire year....even during summer!

I gave my living room a little face lift with paint, drapery and new furniture, and then got in the Halloween spirit!

Mark and I had a rough patch around October...too much to do and not enough appreciation for each other.
That all changed when we ventured to our favorite haunted house.

Thanksgiving flew by, we settled into a more wintery routine, had our annual Friendsgiving Shrimp Boil and decorated our home for Christmas.

Which brings us full circle to where we were one year ago.
I reflected on what this year has brought us...and how far we've come.
A lot can change in a year, and I love revisiting our life through this blog.

For New Year's Eve, Mark and will be cozied up by the fire, with fondue for dinner and a festive glass of champagne in hand, watching Kathy Griffin and dancing to Ludacris.
It's a night we look forward to all year.
Just the two of us.

I'll be signing off for the long holiday weekend again, and when I return, on January 6th, I hope to share all the little details of our IVF consultation.

It'll be a new year.
A new year for memories.
A new year for adventures.
A new year for trial and error.
A new year to learn something or simply learn from a mistake (or ten).

I do not make resolutions...to me, it's like making a plan that is set in stone.
Plans change.
People change.
They grow and develop and blossom.
Relationships grow stronger, and some falter.
I hope to take on all of 2016 with an open mind and the drive to dig in and get things accomplished, both big and small.
But first we have to survive the gross part of winter.
Who's with me?

Happy New Year, my loves!!