Moving forward

It's time.
This last week has been so. fucking. stupid.
I have been hopeful but mostly depressed and angry, and it's not good.
Not good at all.

It's fucking Christmas and now is not the time to get all upset because of another failed cycle.
My emotions were running high because it IS the holidays and I had all the ideas of announcing the good news during family parties and sending out a cute little holiday announcement since we decided not to do Christmas cards.
(we're still not sending out cards...I know, boo-urns)

I had all these cheapy pregnancy tests that may or may not had expired in November, so I figured "hey, better use them up."
But man, that was probably the stupidest thing I could do.
I would take a test, and it would be negative. So I would start googling negative test before positive, and earliest day for a positive pregnancy test, and what qualifies as a positive line.
And then I would go dig the test out of the trash and bring it into better light and just STARE at it...hoping I would see a fucking faint line.
Spoiler alert: it was never positive.

So I took my last negative test on Saturday at 13dpo after waking up from an angry champagne drinking binge the night before....just KNOWING it would be negative, but apparently I like the abuse.

And came up with two scenarios.
1) We try Clomid again. Combined with progesterone. For three more cycles. (I don't know why three, it's just a number I chose). And then when those don't work, we take another break for a couple of months so I don't end up birthing a baby in February and get all depressed. Oh who am I kidding, it wouldn't work anyways. Taking a break would just be for mental purposes....it's not like it would be biological.
And then start with IUI right after the break. Giving us three or so cycles to make it work.

or

2) Just do the fucking IUI already. In my head, I already know those clomid cycles wouldn't work. And yes, I know that Clomid could be used with IUI along with other hormones, but my gyno already suggested we just by-pass the whole "trying" phase, since, you know, it's been TWO YEARS and that little phase is basically just a mean joke to my brain. Mark's swimmers may not even be able to get past the gates, if you know what I'm saying. My lady bits could just be killing all the things because it's a total. bitch.

Luckily.....and this is actually very lucky, based on what my insurance rep says, infertility treats are supposed to be covered just like normal hospital stuff as long as they know in advance it will be happening. Plus, we have this sweet secondary coverage where $3k of my $4,500 out of pocket max is reimbursed. And anything above and beyond that $4,500 is covered at 100%. And since that coverage renews next April, I say let's just keep going to max out and get the coverage we need. I'm already half way there anyways due to all those other tests.

So, bleary-eyed, with a cup of Joe in my hand, I tell Mark we need to go over options. I tell him what is involved with both options, and he looks at me and says....IUI sounds like the best option, let's go for it.
I am beaming.
We both know it's totally not romantic, but neither is having a sandy vagina from progesterone suppositories and watching your wife cry when her period starts each  month.
The romance is gone from this. We agreed that I would try my best not be too angry whilst knocked up and make him feel like shit. We discussed some new benefits being introduced at my company that would help with daycare and all that jazz, pre-tax. You know....more romance.

And we're off and running. I don't really know what to expect, minus ALL THE GOOGLING on the internets. I hope we don't have to wait a whole cycle to get everything in place.
I'm ready, Mark's ready...

Wish us luck.