Vulnerable

I flipped out on Mark last night.
I didn't really know why it came to that, but it did, and it's over now.
I had some random dude pass me and say "you are beautiful" to which I responded "thanks, so does my husband" and proceeded to walk home.
My husband didn't say those things. Instead, he said Hi and plopped right back down on the couch to watch TV, saying "work was tough."
The dog is dragging his ass RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and he "doesn't notice."
So I grab the dog so I can clean out his tail, and proceed to brush is teeth and ears and face folds as well.
Because.....that's what I do. I jump the other dog and do the same.
I walk upstairs to the second bathroom and out of the corner of my eye notice the two yellow stains on the carpet that didn't fully clean up after I tackled them....twice.

Storming back downstairs...I lose it. Which is totally the proper response to a stain on a carpet, right?
I am fussing at Mark....don't you ever even bother to look around at what goes on in this house?!? Why is all this bullshit the WOMAN'S or the MOM'S job? Is it so hard to just do this shit from time to time....HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WALK OVER THOSE TWO STAINS UPSTAIRS AND CHOOSE TO IGNORE THEM?
jesus.

I hit up the Googles and find out that the same de-skunking concoction I use on the dogs also works wonders for stain removal. I whip that shit up, and back upstairs I go to tackle the stains for the third time. A bit of elbow grease and they are gone finally.

But of course I'm not done bitching. Mark comes up to see if I'm still throwing a fit, which I am, and proceeds to ask me just what in the Hell is wrong with me.
My response?
"Why do I bother keeping myself in shape and putting it together for you when you don't even notice me? I have random people on the streets telling me I look pretty and you can't even say anything? Aren't you attracted to me? Am I just your trophy wife to show off to other people but you really don't care one way or another?"....and the ranting goes on an on.

But I thought, or at least I thought, the message is clear.

YOU AREN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ALL MY HARD WORK.
EVEN THE SMALLEST STUFF.

We don't speak for the rest of the night and go to bed early.
Next morning? Mark likes to think that if we just go to bed, it fixes itself. But we're still not talking until he is walking out the door.  "Well I'm leaving...see ya later babe."

BABE? Um...no.. this isn't over. Yes I'm still mad.

We argue more and more about how I am questioning his parenting tactics (for a kid we don't even have yet) and I am drilling him about whether he thinks this shit is going to fly to just hand off the kid when it gets too tough or too whiny or whatever....because MOM KNOWS BEST.
Well what about dad?  Shouldn't he be in the mix so in case I'm not around he can 'handle it'?

I finally just stop...and tear up a bit.
I confess I don't feel like we appreciate each other sometimes. Which we are BOTH guilty of.
He agrees, because there is plenty that he does every day to keep our life and our home and our marriage going that I completely overlook as well.

I confess I am nervous about the next steps with getting pregnant if a natural cycle doesn't work.
I got a call Sunday night from my gyno as a follow up to the procedure last week, and she tells me that if this cycle didn't work, she wants to start me on Clomid the next round.
And honestly, for months I have been all nonchalant about it...No big deal. Do what you gotta do- type attitude.
Well....now it's becoming a reality. And I KNOW that millions of women have already taken drugs to get pregnant, and more...lots more. I guess I'm just a little nervous. The side effects. The (slightly) upped chance of twins. The fact that I have to take drugs in general, just to get pregnant...because I, as a woman, am not working correctly.
It all kind of slapped me in the face this week and caused me to have Blogger's writers block and lash out at my husband.
Not fair to anyone.

So we wait. I search the Googles endlessly doing research and reading a bunch of forums about other people's experiences. We shall see what the future holds. Until then...there is plenty of Bud Lite to calm my nerves.

Until next time.