I. Am. Free.

Hey there!
As you have obviously noticed, blogging is taking more and more of a back-seat in my life these days. I can honestly say I'm not upset about it, though. When I started writing in 2012, I needed an outlet because I didn't have many people to lean on (read: zero) that understood what I was going through with infertility, trouble trying to conceive, finding my footing in the corporate world, and, most importantly, finding MYSELF along the way.

And look how far I've come in those six years!!
My gosh....it's been so, so good.
All of it.

And it really does take an extremely healthy mindset to believe that all of those really shitty, tough times actually HELPED me. But I can assure you they have.

Not once in my entire life have I ever looked back on a trying period with anger and resentment.
And I truly mean that.
I have taken everything I have ever walked through and pulled out the most important, most influential pieces and weaved them into my soul.

I can do hard things, my friends.
And keep doing them.

Life isn't supposed to be handed to me on a silver spoon.
It was never supposed to be about forging the path of least resistance.
It's not supposed to be ridiculously easy.

It's supposed to be worth it to put all the hard work in. All the mental anguish, all the tears, all the adjusted sails, all the beautifully broken times.
I'm a more dynamic, empathetic person because of it.

No, we obviously didn't smash every goal we set out to accomplish. (who does, really?)
We didn't become parents because we stuck to our own personal limits to make that path work, and have fully embraced this new lifestyle.

And guys....it's FREEING.
I feel unstoppable these days.

And you know how I'm getting to this amazing mental state?

Well, it's a lot of things, actually, but the biggest one is:
I STOPPED COMPARING MY LIFE TO OTHERS.
In like....every way, shape, or form.

It's so good to stop looking over the fence-line, hypothetically.

I feel so damn amazing in my own shoes, on my own path, in my own way, with my husband and our pets by our side, under the roof of our home we work so hard for.
I feel like we are a force to be reckoned with.

I am trying my hardest to spread the good vibes as far and as wide as I can throw them. I hope you have felt the same pride radiate from me into your beautiful souls as well.
I want you to feel as good as I do.

Life is so crazy, right?
Some moments it's so incredibly hard and trying and exhausting, and some moments make you want to shout from the rooftops with excitement and joy!

Embrace all of it.
Seriously....the good isn't good without the bad.
We are the makers of our own destiny's.
We are only able to go as far in life as we want to push ourselves.
We are our own worst critics.

It's not about the perfect life.
It's about the one that you are most proud of.

Anyways, hopping off my soapbox quickly.

I'll be on here every so often, but I can guarantee if you want to be more immersed in my daily life, you'll need to hop over to Instagram and follow along there.

I have paired down my social media outlets because I find it incredibly annoying to hop between a bunch of sites all the time. I big puffy heart Instagram these days so you'll find all the funny, crazy, happy, inspiring and trying times over there, in real time.

Just click this link HERE and give me a follow. It's so much more fun, I promise. :)
Until next time, see you on the Gram!! XO

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

I listen to The Life Coach School Podcast to and from the office most days, as it keeps me centered, especially when life becomes super chaotic and my brain feels fried.

The topic of one of the podcast was based on Amy Morin's book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success.

The title is a mouthful!! But, this book provides many, many important lessons, so I thought I would share my thoughts on the 13 things.

1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves

I get it. No one is perfect. I am human just like every other being, and at times, sure, I have felt sorry for myself. Had a little pity party. But I do realize how meaningless this is. We are our own worst critics, right? Making mistakes, stumbling through life, feeling shame...all of this will come at some point or another, but the goal is to recognize you are knee-deep in a pity party, and focus your mental strength toward happier, more confident thoughts. This takes a lot of practice, and ultimately the pity-parties lessen over time.

2. They don't give away their power

This means, essentially, that mentally strong people don't allow other people's actions or emotions to dictate our own actions or emotions. Someone screaming in my face doesn't necessarily mean I need to stoop to their level and scream louder. It gives them my power. Someone pushing through my personal boundaries and making me feel frazzled or less-than is giving them my power instead of holding firm and lovingly providing my side of the story.

3. They don't shy away from change

Everything evolves all of the time. Always. Plans change. People change. Life changes. I know sometimes when things change from a way I had planned, especially since I am very Type A, that historically I would get all worked up over...well...nothing. These days, and especially since going through the ringer with IVF, I have taken a more laid-back attitude. It is possible to change your thinking and have more confidence that it will all work out how it's supposed to.

4. They don't focus on things they can't control

I. Failed. at this one when going through IVF. I tried to control everything and it ended up blowing up in my face. I figured if I was dumping all my time and energy and resources into something with terrible odds, they should just do as I wish and meet my expectations. Well guess what?

It didn't go that way. I had no control from Day 1 and I recognize that now. Trying to control what I can't was part of the reason I started Lexapro. Anxiety took over and made me legit crazy. One thing I strive to do these days is walk away from a situation that I clearly can't guide to fit my plan. Typically, and oddly enough, life does have a way of working out as it needs to in the end.

5. They don't worry about pleasing everyone

YOU GUYS. Why are women so guilty of this all the time?! I can honestly say I hardly ever fall into this category, and likely have come off as a raging bitch because of it. Oh well, I say. I cannot even count how many times I see or hear things like..."I was thinking of doing this....but we can do whatever you like as well!!"....um....WHY don't you just say your preference instead of back-tracking and trying to please the whole crowd. Nothing ever gets accomplished with dilly-dallying. Ha.

We have opinions about things or we don't. End of story. Your needs and your desires and your wants matter just as much as everyone else's. Grow a back-bone and own it.

6. They don't fear taking calculated risks

I am queen of the calculated risk. No shame in my game. I like to have general ideas about future desires in my life, figure out the logistics, and execute them as best I can...even if I have no idea what the actual outcome will be. It's that risk that lights a fire within me and gives me life.

7. They don't dwell on the past

When I deal with my grief, and recognize I am not as mentally strong in those moments as I should be; I often times find myself dwelling on past issues and drum up all those shitty feelings again. I KNOW they offer me nothing, and help zero things, but recognizing that grief is a normal emotion and you can't be on your A game every minute of every day is also okay. Dwelling on the past lessens over time, especially as you work through a shitty event. But ultimately, the past is the past...all we can hope for is take the lessons learned and become a better person because of it.

8. They don't make the same mistakes over, and over, and over again

I make dozens of mistakes every day. Who doesn't? But, the difference is...to recognize how you can do better next time. Try something new. Change things up. Worse case, you make another mistake, but at least it's not the exact. same. one.

9. They don't resent other people's success.

Yes. So much yes. The grass is never greener. I promise. Someone's highlight reel is never going to be identical to my own. How so and so got ahead has nothing to do with any potential opportunities I may have. People may view my life as successful, but may not understand what it takes to get there. Everyone has strengths, and everyone has weaknesses. Try learning something from other people's good times and give them grace during the shitty times. You would want the same reaction when it happens to you.

10. They don't give up after the first failure.

You guys. Can I tell you how many times I have been tweaking all of my social media stuff? The first idea is hardly ever the right one, but you have to start somewhere. See what works and what doesn't. Tweak things. Change things up. Fail. Every. Day. Yes, you heard me. I fail as often as I make mistakes. It's what ultimately gives me fuel to be more creative. Trust this one. Failing doesn't mean you are a failure, it means you were strong enough to try in the first place, and gives you the opportunity to try again next time. 

11. They don't fear alone time

I LOVE being alone. LOVE. IT. Crave it. Desire it. Carve it out and make it a priority. Do you? I know some people fear being alone because you actually have time to listen to your own thoughts and feelings, and that makes people really uncomfortable. Being surrounded by outside stimulus puts a veil over our true thoughts and actions. It is incredibly therapeutic to recognize all our feelings in our own time, away from other people and places, and accept the good, the bad, and the ugly.

12. They don't feel the world owes them anything.

I feel like this is such a millennial phrase. I'm not stereotyping, necessarily, but how many times have you heard that the "younger" generation based on however old you are, expects to become CEO the second they step out of college? The harsh truth is the world doesn't owe us anything. Ever. If we want something then we gotta work for it. Expecting other people and things to give us what we desire is only going to set us up for failure, make us bitter, and lessen our mental strength. Don't give in to the easy way. It is never more rewarding.

13. They don't expect immediate results

We live in an instant gratification world these days, right? Remember dial up AOL? Now if our internet blips out for a hot minute we fantasize about smashing our phones to the ground. Or at least I have done that. You see those time-lapsed home renovation shows but wonder how come you can't gut renovate your home over the weekend, and therefore feel like a failure. We try things once, fail, and quit immediately. This is why people say they can't lose weight, or gain weight, or climb the corporate ladder, or have the life we expect. Because it's not immediate. 

But guys...the spice of life is the slow simmer of cultivating our lives. Growing the good stuff and simplifying. Letting go of the toxic. Becoming who we are meant to be based on life lessons and many, many, good and bad days. 

Tell me....did any of this resonate with you? What are your thoughts?

Thanks for reading. XO.

Filling Up My Cup

Hi.
Let's check in with ourselves and each other, ok?
How are you doing? Like....really....How are you feeling these days? Okay? Could you do better? Feel better? What do you honestly need if you feel like you're barely staying afloat, or worse....drowning?

For me, I am...strained.
Mentally.

I feel off.
I can identify exactly what is going on and what I need, and I'm hoping to share some honest information to deeper connect with this audience.

If some honesty is not your cup of tea today, that's totally cool. Just exit out and come back when things are a bit lighter around here. No shame in your game.

Here goes.
(This is likely long-winded and more of a stream of consciousness rather than a well-edited post. Bear with me.)

Also, I'm not looking for solutions. I know that it's normal for humans to find solutions to other people's problems. But really, just read this and if you identify with something, that's super.
I'd love to hear about it.
I actually have a little plan in place and I promise to get to that at some point in these ramblings.

My sleep has been incredibly broken. Our cat is literally in the last few days of having his cast on his leg and I am just trying to survive him. I know that sounds silly, but he is literally screeching loudly all. night. long. because he is frustrated that his space to roam is limited while he heals. I "think" this would be similar to an infant, but I can't be sure, obviously. His cries are every couple of hours, sometimes every couple of minutes from sun down to sun rise (and probably all day long when I'm at work.) I sympathize with him but at the same time, I just want like one full night of sleep and daydream about locking him in our garage at night just so I can get some honest rest.

Me without proper sleep wreaks havoc on a lot of other aspects of my life. I feel like a zombie, trying to survive each day. The wash, rinse and repeat of daily, mundane life, mixed with the fact that work is nuts right now and the weather is doing nothing for my well-being is making me feel gross.

I keep missing my alarm clocks because I have two ear plugs shoved deeply in my ears, which eats into the carefully allotted time to wake up with intention, instead of leaping straight into the shower and attempting to cram 30 minutes of morning routine into mere seconds.

I am tired of wearing the same "winter uniform" to work. This winter has literally been seven months in Chicago and I am just. over it. Granted, we were blessed with the opportunity to take a little vacation escape this insanity, and I strive to not wish time away, but I keep checking the weather, hoping to see temps consistently in the 50's and 60's. Rumor has it that is coming next week.

I have been diligently making myself more available as I expand my tribe and demeanor to those I don't, or wouldn't normally connect with.
And it's been great.
But also exhausting.
I have put a lot of my OG friends on the back-burner because of this, and crave the steadiness that comes with old friends who just get you. Therefore, I have blocked out most of my time in the near future to welcome them back into my home. I can't believe people haven't really stepped foot in our home in like...four months.
Winter does that to us. Our home is currently geared for summer days, but I need to force myself to connect with friends and family indoors as well.

When my sleep is minimal, and my nerves are high, sometimes I start getting really shitty thoughts about other people and circumstances that are simply not true. Your mind does weird shit sometimes, and it takes a lot more mental muscle to combat these untrue lies you keep wanting to tell yourself.  For me, recently, I have succumbed to the whole grass is greener issue that so many people fall victim to. There are things I crave in my life and I just want the instant gratification of them happening.
Immediately.
But for Mark and I, that is not reality a lot of times. There are environmental and financial restrictions that leave us with long pauses between activities and upgrades because there are simply not enough dollars or time each week to do everything.
I do realize this is very much a first-world luxury...to know we will eventually have all the time and income needed to make our dreams come true.
And so what if it doesn't happen all at once. I know I get to simmer with the good stuff longer and dream about the future more, because of it. And for that I'm lucky.
But that doesn't mean that the shitty thoughts don't infiltrate and win out sometimes.
We are human just like everyone else.

So, where does that leave me?
Well, for one, I am turning my sights back to me and my home.
This dreary weather is the perfect opportunity to continue a little self-care.
For me that means working on my home, and making space for a few more naps.
I find the most happiness and inspiration when I creating beautiful things, even if those beautiful things are simply shampooed carpets and a little paint on the walls.
I am planning to deep clean, purge, and find better organization for the upper portion of our house, just in time to host a few smaller get-together's.

Our rental is in the final weeks or repair and with that comes the chance to make the final pass to eliminate the bulk of our credit card debt and start chipping away at a few loans we have in place. A serious, and very honest, bonus to not having kids is there is actually an end in sight with this type of debt that makes my skin crawl.

I am declaring April the month to fill up my cup with all the good things I love so deeply.
To regain my sense of self and to uncover the inspiration and overall happiness I am missing most days.

Thanks for reading. XO

Appreciate Affirmation Monday

Everyone still recovering from St. Patrick's Day? ME TOO.

Monday's are tough. I don't care who you are or what you're doing.
There is something disorienting about the transition from the chaos of the weekend to the chaos of work-week, the lack of structure to total structure, fun vs. chores...and everything in between.

I came to the realization that...perhaps...with a bit of tweaking to my thinking, I could change my perspective and feel better overall.

And so started what I am calling Appreciative Affirmation Monday.

The goal is to affirm one simple phrase that shows a little appreciation, or gratitude, to yourself.

I am a firm believer that giving ourselves a little more grace during the less than stellar Monday hustle can help exude more happiness in our day and set the tone for a better week.
Or at the very least, give ourselves a tiny pep talk for more confidence.

However you want to interpret it, it can't be bad.

It's so very simple, and I hope if you spend the few moments to read this post, or follow my stories on Instagram, then you will take another few seconds to reach out, comment below, or email me to interact.

My appreciative affirmation for this post, is this:

I appreciate that I have created a "uniform" of work-clothes so getting ready in the morning is a bit less stressful.

See? So simple and yet, so reassuring that the little things in life can make a big difference.

So tell me, what's yours? Comment below, email me directly if it's too personal, or direct message me on Instagram. I wanna know what you appreciate about yourself!!

Spread the self love, my dears, and have a great rest of the day! XO

Appreciative Affirmation Monday

That is quite the mouth-full, don't you think? :)

But, I was thinking a bit this morning while I was struggling to get out the door on time.
Monday's are tough. I don't care who you are or what you're doing.
There is something disorienting about the transition from the chaos of the weekend to the chaos of work-week, the lack of structure to total structure, fun vs. chores...and everything in between.

So while I was relatively annoyed with daylight savings and the fact that I am now waking up in the pitch dark again, I slowly came to the realization that...perhaps...with a bit of tweaking to my thinking, I could change my perspective and feel better overall.

And so started what I am calling Appreciative Affirmation Monday.

The goal is to affirm one simple phrase that shows a little appreciation, or gratitude, to yourself.

I am a firm believer that giving ourselves a little more grace during the less than stellar Monday hustle can help exude more happiness in our day and set the tone for a better week.
Or at the very least, give ourselves a tiny pep talk for more confidence.

However you want to interpret it, it can't be bad.

It's so very simple, and I hope if you spend the few moments to read this post, or follow my stories on Instagram, then you will take another few seconds to reach out, comment below, or email me to interact.

I mentioned on Instagram, that I was appreciative that I took the time to search out a really good concealer since I was overly exhausted this morning, and that concealer hides the dark circles so well.

My appreciative affirmation for this post, is this:

I appreciate that I found the motivation to make my lunches for the week, giving me one less thing to stress out about each day.

See? So simple and yet, so reassuring that the little things in life can make a big difference.

So tell me, what's yours? Comment below, email me directly if it's too personal, or direct message me on Instagram. I wanna know what you appreciate about yourself!!

Spread the self love, my dears, and have a great rest of the day! XO

It's Friday Y'all

Happy Friday Everyone!

How cute is this damn cat! He goes in for xrays on Monday and we have all our fingers crossed his cast comes off very soon!!

I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that this week is wrapping up! Not that I am wishing time away, it was just so damn cold out and the days were jam-packed with hustling here and there.
Bring on the weekend and some down time!

I think the aspect of changing your thinking for a more positive, fulfilled life is a constant, ongoing practice, especially when it may not come naturally.

My husband is constantly a glass-half full, overly optimistic, let-the-little things slide off his back type of guy.  Whereas I am heavy on the emotions and sometimes get too wrapped up in my own thoughts.

I had a few moments where grief came back into my world.
As you know, grief never goes away completely. It showed its face a couple times in the last few weeks, and, having been down this road many, many times in the past, I knew that I needed to define it, realize it is grief, and sit and talk with it for a while.

I still carry my grief every day, but these days it's in a very manageable fanny pack as opposed to the oppressing wet blanket it used to be.

I am constantly practicing gratitude and alternative thinking to help make life that much sweeter.
Because it really is so, so good, right?
Even in the bad, there are lessons to be learned and progress to make to better ourselves.

I am reminded of this almost daily.

Like when I pulled my back out a bit from over-doing it with rowing at Orangetheory.
I used it as an opportunity to give myself a little more TLC in the stretching department and scaled back the intensity in my workouts. I won't be getting a gold metal any time soon, so I really do need to chill a bit.

Or when I invited my Dad over to spend some quality time with me this weekend...no strings attached. Unfortunately, he is in a bit of a mental slump right now and although my efforts were to try and help him be a bit more productive, when he said no, I immediately felt hurt because my gut reaction was he didn't want to see me.

But I know his mental state is off right now, and I am well-versed in anxiety and mental issues these days since I deal with it myself.

I then realized, okay...not this week. It's him, not me.
It's okay to fail, and him saying no isn't a reflection of him not loving me or not wanting to be around me. He has some mental issues to work through and isn't ready to tackle life in a normal-fashion yet.
Maybe next week.

What I can do in return is continue to love him and accept that he isn't being intentional.
Mental issues will do that to a person and it honestly takes another person with mental issues to understand that. Most people with normal chemical balances in their brains can't even comprehend some of the weird shit we do.

And that's okay too.

We're all trying our best here.

There will always be a super excited puppy that acts like every time I walk in the door is the first time we have ever met and that fills my heart with joy!

What HAS been consuming my brain recently is the fun little details of our bathroom. I know I keep hinting about it but not showing you anything. I am so far from one of those HGTV weekend over-haul renovations, it's insane.
I like to take my time with updates, get a feel for the space, decide if I like how it's arranged, and tweak things here and there until it's exactly how I like it.

I ordered a few more things and I promise, as soon as it's done I will do a whole blog post and a Youtube video about it! I love the breath of fresh air this room gives me now.

We have been using the bathroom again for nearly a week and it has been glorious!!

Speaking of Youtube, Episode 7 aired early this week. Here it is if you missed it!


If you haven't subscribed yet, I highly suggest you do.

How do you subscribe, you ask?

There are two ways. At the end of every episode, my face pops up, click my face and it'll let you subscribe that way!

OR!

Simply click the link HERE, and push the red SUBSCRIBE button.
This will give you the first look at new episodes as they appear, straight to you email inbox!

I always try to link new episode's, but there will be some fun ones that only subscribers will know about! So make sure you're on the list!!

And finally, in case you were wondering what was slathered all me and my dog's face in my last post, I made us face masks with bentonite clay and activated charcoal.

The combination of the two ingredients helps with bulldog face folds and skins issues related to their obsessive licking and drooling problems.

To make a batch, stir up the following: (ps - a little goes a LOOOONG way)

1/8 cup Bentonite Clay
3 tbsp Activated Charcoal 
water to make into a soupy paste
Plastic or Wood fork (no metal, per the clay instructions)

This is messy to work with, so I highly suggest adding water and mixing in a utility sink.

I applied to the dog's face and paws using a 1" paint brush and made him sit in the tub for 15 minutes. He was not thrilled and did jump out at one point and run around my newly renovated bathroom until I was able to pin him down and throw him back in the tub.

I would also suggest lining the entire room with towels if putting this on a dog, in case things get out of hand.

Don't say I didn't warn you. :)

I plan to apply this to Burn's face and paws twice a month until summer. I have noticed that when the season's change is when his skin acts up the most.

Oh, and by the way, Mark and I have been obsessed with Orange is the New Black on Netflix.
I know we are like....five years behind. But it is SO. GOOD.

That's it for my week! Have a good weekend! XO

Hello? Is it Me You're Looking For?

Oh hey there.
I took an unexpected hiatus in the last week between the blog, Youtube, and social media in general.

Why you ask?

Because I was busy conducting a tandem spa day for myself and my massive dog.

he was thrilled

No but seriously, we all know that post vaca, you tend to have a decent amount of catch-up to do at work, or around the house.

And I totally did.

But more importantly, you may remember I mentioned on Instagram that I believed I was having a drug eruption from upping my Lexapro, so I did the most logical thing I could think of and that was to lower it back down to 5mg.

I wanted to see if my irritated, peeling skin condition was due to the medication.
After a couple of weeks of the lowered dosage, I realized there is a reason why I am taking 7.5mg....because in the last week of so, my head started spinning again.

Nothing crazy like before, when I was completely un-medicated and had panic attacks while driving and double vision and all that fun stuff.

I just became extremely hyper like I used to be, and incredibly focused on one thing at a time. It started to become tough to make decisions and I had a hard time falling asleep because my mind was constantly racing.

Although it was nice to have a bit of my old (extreme) energy back, I realized that I really do enjoy a calmer mind. So I bit the bullet again and started back on my normal dosage.

We will see if my skin problems re-occur. They could have easily been a reaction to my face wash.
Perhaps the ingredients changed, or maybe the winter dryness wreaked havoc.

I was using Shea Moisture brand's Rose Oil Complex on the majority of my face, and the Grapeseed Oil Cream Cleanser around my eyes for many months. This was always followed by Shea Moisture Peace Rose face cream. It always did wonders for my skin, but perhaps my skin just became too dry during these winter months and I needed something different.

I ended up being gifted a bar of activated charcoal face soap and switched up my face cream to Seaweed Brand Night Therapy and that seemed to completely knock out my skin issues.

If I ever have a patch of drier skin, I still apply A&D cream to the area.

May not be the sexiest combo, but it sure as Hell works!

PS - I was visiting friends after my skin cleared up late last week, and everyone kept raving that it looked like I got a chemical peel because my face was so smooth!! Haha!! 
So basically my shitty allergic skin reaction that caused my entire face to peel for a month yielded baby smooth skin!! I guess that's the silver lining, right?

What else is new?

If you missed Episode 6 on my Youtube Channel, you can watch it here!!

Please comment and subscribe! I am just in love with the connections I am making through this new outlet. It makes my heart sing to hear about your lives as well!!


I am thisclose to being finished with the bathroom. My mom and I spent a good chunk of Sunday picking out accessories for the space. Who knew it was so difficult to make a decision about a cotton ball container?!

Here is a tiny sneak peek to keep you interested...

As soon as I get some prints mounted and some good lighting, I will be photographing the space and giving you all the details! Stay tuned for that post!

Our cat is doing so well with his broken leg recovery. He prefers to hop way up onto my bed and soak up the sun whenever he can. He is truly my little hero.
We are all eager to get him out of that splint!

I am currently recording a new Youtube video that will air later this week.
The topic will be hard moments vs. hard days and how changing our thinking as to how our days are shaped can help our overall positive perspective with life.

I had a shitty moment this week that could have easily swallowed me up and made me believe that meant I had an entirely shitty day, but by extending grace to myself, allowing the shameful emotion to live with me and then move forward, I was able to see all the other wonderful stuff that filled every other moment of that same day.

Stay tuned, friends! Hope you have a good one! XO

The Good This Week

Hello and Happy Friday!

Life was rather chaotic at home this week but I am always striving to find the good in each day and share it with you!

Here is what went on this week:

1. My skin has always been sensitive to harsh chemicals, weather, allergies, you name it. This week it showed it's ugly side and my eyelids, under-eyes, and nose completely started to swell, become irritated, peel and flake.

It was really sexy.

I started my home-remedy by eliminating my old concealer and banishing the new mascara from my daily routine (I don't know if they were the culprit, but they were the only two glaringly obvious changes that were made in the last week or so). I stopped using make-up on my eyes as much as possible and layered on the face cream.

When that didn't stop me from looking like an old, peeling, lady, I bought two new, and maybe weird options, Gold Bond Eczema Hand Cream and A&D Ointment. Yes, the diaper rash stuff.

But I'll tell you what....they did the trick! My eyes are almost back to normal and will hopefully stay that way!

2. I dressed up my office computer background with this beautiful image. Feel free to do the same!

Image via DesignLoveFest

3. Need a little inspiration to make your days better? This post has 50 ways that give me all the warm and fuzzy feelings.

One suggestion was to light a candle while getting ready in the morning. I don't know why I have never implemented this! (probably because I'm always racing at the speed of light to get out the door and this would be helpful to slow my ass down and enjoy the morning more)

4. I have been listening intently to the Life Coach School podcasts each day. This one in particular really resonated with me this week.

I highly suggest listening to her episodes from the beginning. They may not all be applicable to your life but there is definitely a lot of feel-good information to hear!

5. Our dog and cat got into a scuffle on Monday, and although that event was awful and the cat ended up with a broken leg (in two spots!), a couple beautiful moments happened afterward.
First, the cat had a splint exam at the vet on Valentine's Day, and the nurses cut out heart-shaped wrap pieces to give his splint a little flair. Second, Mark came up with the genius idea to lower his bed to just a mattress, that would allow the cat to hobble in and out so he can rest where he is most comfortable. Talk about cuteness overload!!

6. We filed our taxes and signed a new tenant to our rental!

A HUGE exciting sigh of relief in the financial-squeeze department. There is still much work to be done, but I have been waiting for these two thorns in my side to go away for nearly six months now!

7. I made a couple more Episodes on my YouTube Channel! (bear with my experimentation with editing and framing, I'm still learning a lot about what works and what doesn't!)

In case you missed them, I discuss the idea of changing your mindset in the face of uncertainty during IVF. These episodes can easily translate into nearly every obstacle you face outside of infertility as well!

 

If you love watching, I would be eternally grateful if you subscribed and/or shared my work with your friends and family. We need more good in the world and I am happy to lend a helping hand!

Oh, and please talk with me! Comment here, email me, dm me on Instagram, and comment on the YouTube channel. I want to hear from you and get your insights and feedback about these topics!!

So that's all for this week! Thank you for reading and following along! XO

This Week

...I traded squeaky clean hair for another 20 minutes of play with my pup. On a never-ending quest these days to spend more time in-the-moment and less time multi-tasking, I pressed pause at one of my favorite daily routines that makes me immensely happy. I will take all the extra time with that fat sausage I can get.

...I started a Gratitude Journal. One small $5 splurge for a cute notebook and gold pen have inspired a quick re-cap of all the little things that went RIGHT and made me HAPPY that day. There is gratitude to be had with even the trying moments (HELLO hour-long commute in the snow...but HELL YES to more inspirational podcast time) and I am diligently working to change my perspective.

...my progesterone is high, which means I am eating and peeing at an alarming pace. (thank you, infertility, for shedding light on the different phases of my menstrual cycle and lovely hormones to follow)

...I pushed myself in the gym and therefore am making more time outside the gym to stretch and give myself grace. My muscles ache and my stomach is rumbling, so I am literally and figuratively feeding both. Extra stretching, Epsom salt soaks, and clean eating are the way to my heart each day.

...I am reveling in my capable hands and swift knack for budgeting to get us through the final hurdle to some home and financial projects. Stress comes in swiftly but I keep re-focusing my attention to one step at a time, instead of all-at-once.

...I made a few on-the-rocks pina-colada's and it reminded me just how much fun summer is, and that our little getaway is just around the corner.

...I did our taxes. Although the IRS needs to get their shit together so I can actually file, they are done, and soon our credit card debt will be a thing of the past. Cue a sigh of relief (and maybe another pina?)

...we had more sunlight than past weeks, and I took a billion of sunrise photos out of sheer excitement.

...I took time for myself to change my perspective with how my current season of life is going. Instead of constantly longing for the bigger-better thing, I need to really start appreciating how good things are now. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but we really have come a long way with our home lives and careers, and these really are the good-old-days that I'll look back on with a warm-rosy glow, right?

...I became a YouTube vlogger!! (video-blogger). There are currently two episodes up. The first one was linked in my last post, and below is the second!  Please feel free to comment, interact, subscribe, ..whatever you feel like doing! This platform is meant for you to get my real emotions and thoughts on these subjects like infertility and happiness, and in turn, you should know I would LOVE to hear your thoughts and opinions too! My goal is to create community with these posts and I think this is an excellent way to do so!


...and finally, I braved the first major winter snow storm this year, headed into the office and brought Burn!! You have no idea what having him around does for my happiness!!

What made you happy this week? Anything inspire you?
Cheers to the freakin' weekend! XO

Winging it Wednesday: I Started a YouTube Channel

So you guys.....can I tell you something?

Although this may not be shocking to most....I have SO MANY thoughts and opinions and ideas running through my head.

Like...all the time.

And a lot of time I get really inspired and want to tell you all about it, but then I go to write everything down on the blog and I literally cannot type as fast as my brain wants to go, then it gets all jumbled up because I keep skipping over thoughts and none of it makes sense, and then I don't want to fix all my grammatical issues so I just push delete and stew in frustration.

Anyone else? Bueller?

So then I thought....what if I recorded myself?

I found out something interesting at the end of 2017....you guys are sort of obsessed with my face.
And not in like a stalkerish way. (although, that may actually be true, and if it is...please do not reveal yourself so that I don't have nightmares for eternity)

But a lot of the positive feedback, yielding the most responses, is when you guys actually SEE me.

So then I thought...well what the fuck...let's give them what they want then!

I think a Youtube channel may be the way to go.
That way I can give you all the little thoughts and emotions and real, honest opinions, and hell, maybe even ADVICE about life...in a real and raw way...one that isn't necessarily filtered in a blog with a pretty picture slapped on it.

Not that I will halt blogging, I just think that a writing format isn't exactly giving me the platform I need to express how I really am. Which, by the way, translates into I am bat shit crazy...so it may just be entertaining to watch the train wreck unfold?

OH! And you know what else I want to do?
Drag Mark into it, sometimes.
I LOVE him, and he is hilarious on camera. And I think you do too, right? We are both literally insane in our own ways, and I thought it would be awesome to feature us as a duo here and there.

I am really just winging all of this. Waiting to have a fully hashed out plan has never been my forte.
So here we go! Episode One, below! (and yes, I'll work to use "um" less as I get more comfortable)

Bathroom Upgrade: Rounding the Last Corner

OK folks!
I rounded the final corner.
I see the end to this little upgrade of our bathroom and it's glorious!

Those that missed the first update, you can head back HERE.

So, I had to change my mindset after the first weekend.

Side note: Changing my mindset is sort of a running theme with this current season of my life. I'll dive more into that in my next post.

I was in what I call HGTV Mode, where I figured I could just knock out my to-do list in a weekend. In comparison to a serious renovation, this was all just a bunch of paint, right?

But rushing through this project started to deplete all the FUN I get out of it.
And what is the point of rushing through something haphazardly when there isn't any joy in process?
I should just outsource it then, if I really can't stand it. And that is not me at all.

So I did A LOT of work that first weekend.
And most of it involved new techniques with new applications that I have never tried before.
You really can't expect it to be perfect on your first go, and boy...I can assure you, it was not.

Two things stood out immediately:
1. I needed a third coating of epoxy paint on the tile in good, natural lighting, and
2. I really do not like chalk paint

So I bit the bullet, and over the course of the next few weekends, tackled each section of the bathroom, in full, to my liking.

I re-taped the majority of the space that I ripped off with glee the week prior, thinking I was done.
I re-painted each tile and each little grout line.
I patched and repaired some areas that were haphazardly slapped together out of desperation to be finished.
And I listened to a lot of podcasts along the way.
I can honestly say that coming out of the bathroom renovation has completely changed my life outlook. It was the little bit of therapy I needed to start viewing my life differently.

I am left with a few more items to check off.
1. De-haze and clean up the travertine floors, then dye the grout lines back to bright white.
2. Add a line of caulk between the bottom wall tiles and flooring after they are dry.
3. Hang the wall mirror.
4. Accessorize

There were a few moments when I started to get overly zealous and wanted to change up the color of the hardware, pick new bulb covers, and a variety of other small projects that could easily have added another $20-$50 to the budget and another weekend.

But then I gently reminded myself that the current layout of this bathroom isn't how it's always going to be, that what I've done so far is make this room a lighter, brighter space, and vowed to be content with all the work I have put in to get it to that level.

And that is good enough for me. :)

Thanks for following along. XO

Simple Minded

My brain won't shut off.
I have a lot of things running on auto-pilot in there, both big and small.
Externally, I know a lot of it is just static that keeps me from completing normal tasks. I have been diligently working to remain present and focused on the tasks that require immediate attention vs. those that are larger and more existential in nature.

I have identified this void in my life and how it came to be.
Whether or not that is progress towards my purpose, I can't be sure, all I know is I have something concrete to work off of.

When I strived to become a mother, I essentially started placing the idea of motherhood on a pedestal. Motherhood would give me my purpose in life.
Because after reading as much information about the new life that comes with parenthood, and listening to other's talk about how much their daily lives changed, how much more fulfilled they are, how their sense of being shifted, how hard it is yet SO. WORTH IT, I just knew, YES! This is what I need in my life. I need this overwhelming life change to feel fulfilled!

As each month passed, and we were faced with more obstacles along the way, I started visualizing that this little pedestal that motherhood was perched onto...started to grow.
Higher and higher it climbed, until it seemed so high, I couldn't see it past the clouds.

When I became pregnant, finally, I assumed I would start to feel this sense of purpose I had longed for for so. many. years.
But I didn't, really.
Instead, what happened was full blown panic. Between illness, sadness from losing my beloved dog, the Holidays, and feeling an overwhelming need to start planning out the rest of my life with this new baby, my purpose didn't feel fulfilling.
It felt chaotic and stressful and icky.

And then I landed flat on my face at the close of 2016, which a miscarriage that shook me to the core, and that mountain to motherhood essentially shot into outer-space. I had no idea how to get there, and I started to think that maybe God was making this incredibly difficult for me because, perhaps, this wasn't supposed to be my path. Although I didn't want to admit it.
Maybe the last five years were supposed to teach me more about who I am, which, quite frankly...I don't really know anymore.

This void in my life started to unravel some other areas that band-aids hid for a long time.

About how I never seem content with what I have. How I make excuses for not being able to do-it-all and how I always feel guilty for not striving to be, do, create...more.
I'm not naive to the world around me, and sometimes that creates more resentment than happiness.

This is a separate notion than wanting to renovate, create, work on my life and my home.
I often never have any issues with motivation.

I just mean that a lot of times I feel like I don't do anything extraordinary.
What I do is a lot of okay-ish things.
I am very mediocre in a lot of ways, and it's really unsettling for me.

Because I thought that I would just kill it in life as a mother.
And now I'm not a mother and likely never will be, in the traditional sense, and my purpose, my bigger purpose that I was supposed to attain through that path is gone.

So who am I if not a mother?

When I cry these days, it's not necessarily because I'm reminiscing about the loss of our boy, or other tragic events. It's because all these overwhelming thoughts and ideas about who I am and who I want to be and how to do it and what makes me truly happy and what my purpose is all come flooding in and I don't know how to rifle through them easily.

Since I know first hand that I have ongoing anxiety and seasonal depression, I know myself enough to know that I would likely not be having these thoughts in the middle of a hot summer day.
I know a lot of these larger notions about myself are stemming from an abundance of free time and lack of sunlight.

I am working to change my mind set.
Instead of embracing the gloom of these winter days, I am changing my thinking to focus inward.
Think more simply.
Focus on one task at a time, check it off, breathe.

I have proactively taken on home projects to find something to do with my hands when work is at a lull.
I am challenging myself with workouts so that I can exhaust my mind and sleep more deeply.
I keep a small journal at my bedside, to jot down highlights from each day...a way to remember things I am grateful for.
I listen to uplifting and influential podcasts to and from work...to calm my commute and leave me less frazzled.
I am doing what I need to do, when I need to do it, on my own schedule, instead of constantly being a slave to other's schedules.
I am trying to feel less guilt for a lot of my complicated thoughts and reclusive nature these days.
It's who I am right now and I shouldn't be ashamed of it.
I am working extremely hard to be mindful of the things I do, when I do them, and find happiness and gratitude that I get to do those things, even if they are unpleasant.

I know I'm in a rut. I know my mind is on overdrive right now. I know a lot of times I want to throw in the towel and walk away from everything and sell coconuts on an island.
But I also know this is just a season of my life, and it's not outwardly pretty, but beautifully broken.
It's who I am, and I am grateful for these gray days.
They really do make the brighter ones so much more colorful, don't they?

Thanks for reading. XO

Happy Monday

No, the title isn't some overly-caffeinated word-vomit spewing onto this page.
It's how I feel. It's a happy Monday, for me.....finally.

You see...the last few weeks I have been in a bit of a rut, and it all seems to come to a head on Monday's. I hate to be that cliche person, but Monday's have seemed to be extremely rough to get motivated, get back on schedule, stay focused, and most importantly...stay AWAKE.

So, I started to proactively seek changes in my routine and in my life in general.

For one, I decided my morning commute needed a bit of a boost. After reducing my commute time from nearly an hour and a half each way, down to 25 minutes, you would think that alone would be enough of a change to have me shouting from the rooftops.

And it did, for a couple of years.

But now, even though I get to sit in the comfort of my own vehicle and sip warm coffee, alone, which is something I always crave....two things kept me from really enjoying the commute.

First is what I listen to. I realized I am constantly battling with the radio. I like talk radio in the mornings and CAN. NOT. STAND. most new age music these days (as in whatever plays in between talk segments on Kiss FM. That is not actual music in my eyes.) so I was constantly flipping through the channels, distracted...which would then translate into me dashing in between cars and fighting against bumper to bumper traffic, trying to get my commute over with as quickly as possible so I didn't have to be annoyed any longer.

The second issue is my mind was constantly wandering. Now I know sometimes that can be a good thing when you're trying to come up with a plan or new idea, but anxiety stems directly from a wandering mind and it is not good for me.

My solution?  Podcasts.

I reached out to people on social media and set up my blue-tooth in the truck to stream some calming, yet inspiring conversations each morning.

And the change has been glorious.
Now I just seem to go with the flow and let my commute happen.  It takes relatively the same amount of time to get to and from work each day, so I just need to accept that time and make it as good as I can get it.

I get into work way less stressed out and angry, and it helps set a more positive tone for the day. I highly suggest doing this if you're looking for a change. I save the upbeat music for my commute home. :)

The bigger issue in my life stems from closing our journey with IVF and battling infertility, is my purpose. Granted, I do realize this isn't something that you just FIGURE OUT overnight, but I realized that perhaps I need to change things up a bit to feel more connected to my passions and dreams and home life.

I know I sound utterly cryptic...because, well...to be honest, it's terrifying to me.
To know in my heart I need to take this next step, is in constant battle with my sensible brain.
It's a hit on one of my biggest securities.
I plan to spend the next few months or so, solidifying my game plan and making sure I can do what my heart says I need to do.

I keep visualizing and longing for little things here and there, and it seems silly to keep putting them on the back-burner. Mark and I have always been those types of people to not "save all the good stuff" for retirement. We strive to live a more balanced life where we continue to save for the future, while simultaneously doing some of the bigger stuff now...while we are younger and have more energy.

We tend to walk a fine line of live in the moment vs. let's wait a while.

I think I'm in a good place to make some "crazy" changes. When everything comes to fruition it will likely be laughed at because it's really not that big of a deal. But I can assure you, to me, it's a huge deal.

I'm ready.

Yes, indeed. Keep the faith, my friends. XO

Ramblings

Burn and I have similar morning routines during the week.

We both have a hard time functioning Monday mornings, and tend to feel overly tired.

Lucky for him, he gets to plop back down into his bed as I walk out the front door.

Side story: Monday's are tough for me and make me want to make rash decisions like quitting my job and running away (which, I do believe is par for the course with most working folks) so I have been implementing No Major Decisions Monday into my regime. Although I'm not one to wish time away, Monday's are by far the hardest to get through, especially in the dead of winter, so I try to make it easier by thinking less. No plans, no deep conversations, no appointments, not major-anything's.

Just get through it as painlessly as possible. Tomorrow is a new day.

By the time Wednesday rolls around Burn is literally under toe while I'm drying my hair, hoping I grow a third arm to provides constant pets.

I deeply desire to bring him to work with me. Or be able to be around him way more than I do. He brings me so much joy and unconditional love that I could just burst into a million pieces when I think about him. I would just LOVE to have him in my office on the daily, so I could turn around at any point and see him sleeping peacefully in the corner. He really lives up his bulldog-mannerisms these days.

If you tend to watch my insta-stories, I briefly shared that I found a new deodorant that does not leave any white marks on black clothing, nor does it make white clothes have yellow pit-stains. 

I am a rather sweaty person and it becomes VERY obvious when I'm working out or under pressure. Like, I even sweat on my forearms and shins. 

That's sort of insane, right?

Anyways, so I have been using this Degree deodorant for a while, but to be honest, I cannot stand the spray option. I feel like I'm choking on a cloud of chemicals and it makes me sad. They do have a solid option which would help, because it really does live up to it's promise of no white marks. 

So for that I'm thankful. Those white marks are such a pain to get out of clothes!

But, I really shouldn't be using any sort of standard antiperspirants.

Deodorant is the last piece of the puzzle in terms of eliminating nasty cancer-inducing chemicals that I apply to myself daily. I have been doing my research on activated charcoal and think I may have found a suitable alternative that both combats sweat AND doesn't include disgusting additives. 

I'll report back if it actually worked for my, ahem, issues. 

I am also finding so much joy in being able to move forward with projects and plans, even if they may be small. A bathroom upgrade and a vacation are two items I couldn't even dream about when we were in the droves of IVF because I simply didn't have any more energy (or money) to pursue them. But here we are; with new things and experiences to look forward to. 

In between, I am continuing to boldly pray that God grants me my desire to become a mom.

That was placed in my heart for a reason and I cannot deny it just because we closed the door with science. There has to be a different route, a different alternative, that will work with our lives. 

I'll be reporting back next week with bathroom reno updates! You can follow along on my Instagram as I'll try to post some live stories. The goal this weekend is to move all the items out of the bathroom, clean and sand the wall tiles, paint the wall tiles, and if I'm feeling extra ambitious, paint the walls, and maaayyyybeee the grout or vanity mirror?  We shall see!

Thanks for reading! XO

My Purpose This Season

Mark spent four solid days sick in bed with the flu, following my company Holiday party.

In between the events we had planned, I did my best to pick up his end of the duties and keep him comforted.

I know most women are like....AWWW GEEZ ANOTHER MAN-COLD?

But Mark seriously never gets sick. And if he ever does, he never bothers me while he's recovering. He just keeps chugging along like it's not happening. So I knew he was really bad this time.

My to-do list was being checked off, but Friday held a lot of prep for the weekend. Although we didn't host our family Christmas party this year, I still had guests arriving and food to make and gifts to wrap.

For exactly three solid hours Friday evening, I set up a gift-wrapping station in my sitting room, turned on some Christmas tunes, and set out to wrap every last gift, scrub down the bathroom and add the final touches to our guest room to give my cousin's a welcome and cozy retreat.

Although I may have joked about worrying less about how the presents are wrapped, I truly love how they look, with fresh bows and crisp corners, if only I could display them somewhere that I could see them.

This year was different.

Without our beloved Crash scampering around the house, getting into everything, I took a chance and filled the baskets around our Christmas tree with presents. Gift after glorious gift, piled high for display. And Burn could have cared less.

Success!

Even though I was tired, I was ecstatic to see this view. 

A view filled with magic and joy at the anticipation of family opening each gift in the coming weeks.

Yes, I may have over-done it in the gift-giving department this year.
Perhaps it was a bit of retail therapy as I'm not buying gifts for my own baby, but seeing those presents under the tree, and knowing how much thought I put into each of them, was everything I had hoped to see for years.

Mark tossed and turned all night Friday and I woke earlier than expected from broken sleep.

I wanted to prepare an easy pecan-cinnamon role casserole for Sunday morning, so got to work.
After the ingredients were piled high, I finished moving fresh towels to the guest room, and filled a cup of coffee for myself. Seriously, how festive is this MUG?!

Shortly after, my cousin and her beautiful family arrived.
Burn was introduced to his first baby, and although clearly over-excited, was easily managed.

We all got dressed and headed off to our family Christmas party where we ate and drank and laughed the night away. I swear, my cousin and I could be sisters, don'cha think?

The night, however, was bittersweet.

I was thrilled to see my parents doing well.

My dad has been on the up and up, and it's a nice change of pace from the hectic, worrisome months prior.

And my mom.
Gosh.
She met our six month old niece for the first time, and as I watched her holding that tiny baby, tears welled up in my eyes, knowing I am unable to provide her with grandchildren.

It stung a bit, remembering all the sacrifice and hope and loss we went through, to try and conceive ourselves, and in the end, we are left living vicariously through other family's as they grow their own.

I didn't know I could love another person's child with every ounce of my being, while at the same time equally sad for myself.

Luckily, the sad emotions were fleeting, likely enhanced by the wine.

Our weekend wrapped up Sunday morning, and I was left to tend to Mark and carry on with my own life.

I was driving home from Orangetheory Sunday afternoon and while completely exhausted, soaked to the bone with sweat after an intense workout...I couldn't help but feel this wave of gratitude wash over me.

I am so lucky to have a husband that needs me to take care of him sometimes.
I am so lucky to have a warm house and an abundance of food and bedding to dole out to guests as needed.
I am so lucky to have the income to buy meaningful gifts for our family. Watching the kid's eyes light up when they open our gifts is the best gift I will ever receive in return.

I know this next week will be trying for my spirit as we watched our baby slip through our fingers last year, but I know in my heart I am exactly where I need to be, and exactly what I need to be for others.

My purpose this season is to bring joy and light and serve loved ones when I can, when they need me the most.

This is my last blog post for 2017, although you will likely find me on Instagram, if you'd like to follow the fun!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! XO

Spark in Life

Some first and lasts this week; I started my Orangetheory membership in a neighboring town. I took my final antibiotic, officially ridding me of this two week virus. I decorated for Christmas. I donated my treadmill. I unsubscribed from the fertility clinic's newsletters.

And most importantly...I am starting to feel that spark again.

Not just between Mark and me, pervs...I mean with my LIFE.

Not one to sit still for too long, I kept asking Mark what exactly it was that I did with "all my free time" before it was consumed with babies.

His response? 

I worked.

If I wasn't working, I was traveling to and from the office. (3.5 hours round trip, yo)

If I wasn't physically at the office, I was answering phone calls and emails about work.

If I wasn't doing any of the above..I was bitching about work.

#jesustakethewheel

I keep forgetting how hard my 20's were....fighting tooth and nail to get ahead with my career, waking up at 4am and getting home at 8pm (or later) most days,  trying to establish myself, to figure out what the Hell I'm actually good at, steer clear of recessions and job losses and unemployment, and make decent money in the process.

So when I finally landed in a job that I was actually praised and rewarded for all this prior hard work, with a much easier commute and more sanity....I decided to fill all my free time with babies.

Of course....what woman with a ticking biological clock wouldn't??

Just like every other thing I so desperately wanted in life...I worked my ass of to make a baby for five solid years. And although we failed miserably, it wasn't all in stride.

I am realizing there were many lessons to be learned in that chapter of our lives.

Coming out of that haze...I am starting to look around more clearly at everything we have worked for and all the rewards we have reaped and all the opportunities still staring us down.

We fucking did it. 

We moved out of a town that wasn't meant for us.

We moved into our forever home that we're in love with.

We became financially stable with good credit!

We climbed those damn ladders and someone is FINALLY allowing me grace to spread my wings and make a difference with my career.

And I have free time. And down time.

I can do whatever the Hell I want with it.

It's like a new lease on life, really.  I am starting to feel like this:

I am starting to take everything I have learned in my 20's and mix it into everything I have learned through infertility, to apply a more leveled approach to each day.

Before infertility, I was a very go go go person. I had extreme FOMO even though I desperately craved down and alone time. And I never gave myself that sort of self care, so basically I would party all the time, and then any down time was forced upon me from some sort of massive illness, recovery, rinse and repeat.

Fun.

And with infertility, well...I slowed down so much I hardly did...anything.

Sure, I appreciated sun rises and meditation and the simpler things in life. But at the same time, I always felt stuck. 

Like...Heaven forbid I work out for fear that I would harm my ever-failing fertility.

Or please don't be too social because then you have to keep explaining all this science to the crowd.

Don't participate in too many events because HELLO....IVF DEBT.

Just keep waiting and wishing and hoping, right?

That's all we have when we're in the droves of infertility.

It was all consuming. 

But I'm here to tell you that when you're on the other side, whether it's with a baby or not, you start to realize that a lot of what makes you YOU will eventually start showing itself again.

And it's fabulous.

All of my time is MINE again. 

I feel really weirdly powerful right now because I get to be as crazy and as spirited or quiet and reserved...all of what makes me....ME...again. I missed that bitch.

I forgot how much fun I am.

Not to toot my own horn too much but you should definitely invite me to your next get-together. I love mixing and mingling and working a crowd and making people laugh. I am hot mess most of the time and shamelessly honest. Those two qualities are fun to see in action.

I love....loving things. 

I love all the fun Christmas decor that's in all the stores these days.

I love growing closer to my friends and meeting new tribe members.

I love getting dressed up to go out.

I love that my husband stills slaps my ass and calls me his smokin' hot wife.

I love my pets TO DEATH. And they deserve more of my attention.

I love fitness and working out and feeling awesome in my own skin.

I love quiet nights in and the security and warmth that comes within the walls of our home.

I love Netflix and good tv shows.

I love good winter-time crockpot dinners and wine with friends while we dance to gangster rap. If you haven't been over in the last two years, don't worry, I am working to change all that.

I love that I have the designer's eye to change things around whenever and however the Hell I want. 

So...I'm getting there. 

I am forever grateful for all the disaster that happened the last few years with IVF and infertility. 

I truly mean that. 

Every shitty event that has ever happened in my life has been looked back on with lessons learned even though they were fucking trying at the time.

It taught me so much more than the fact that I have old-ass eggs. I learned to weave the quiet moments in with the super outrageous ones, and I think this new chapter is going to include a nice balance of the two. 

Those of you still on your own paths to motherhood....I am right here, rooting for you.

I promise.

And you bet your ass I'm still hoping for my own miracle. I still believe it could be possible...but this life sure as Hell can't wait around to find out. 

That's not how it works, anyways. 

Happy Thanksgiving folks. Hug your loved ones tight! XO

(ps, Happy 500th blog post to me!)