We Lost Our Baby

At 10 weeks, 3 days, I miscarried.
About an hour or so after I published my 10 week bumpdate photo, we watched our baby slip through our fingers.

Christmas Eve was wonderful. Surrounded by family, Mark and I opened presents for the baby.
We laughed and talked about the future.
As the night progressed, I started to get a bit of lower back ache.
This had happened briefly the day before, so I just assumed I had been on my feet too long and needed rest.

The lower back ache slowly crept to the front of my stomach, but by the time I went to bed that evening, it had all but subsided.

Christmas day was much of the same. I had mild, ongoing cramping along with lower back pain.
I'll just take it easy, I thought.

The uncomfortable sensation kept up during dinner with my parents, and for the first time, I suspected something was off.

That evening, just after midnight, the aching had become so abundant that I could barely move.
I stood up and felt wet.
Shit.
I hobbled to the bathroom and realized there was brown blood.
Old blood is good blood...I kept repeating.
Until it wasn't.
Another trip to the bathroom confirmed the first bout of bright red blood.
I nearly passed out at the sight.
The waves of pain and nausea mimicked that of when I had to take Misoprostol, to mimic labor pains.

I took some Tylenol and prayed to keep our baby safe.
A couple hours later, the pain had passed, and so had much of the bleeding, and I finally fell asleep.

This morning, I met up with a lovely younger couple and eagerly handed over the remainder of my IVF medication, as they were paying out of pocket.

In exchange, we were given a most generous present of yet more baby clothes, each one cuter than the last.

And the entire time I chatted with them, I could feel the pain returning.

I laid on the couch with the dog, wrapped up my bumpdate post, and Mark walked through the door.

I'm so glad you're home, I smiled at him.

I hit publish on the blog post, and was immediately flooded with texts of concern, at the mention of my cramping.

I'm ok, really. This stuff happens all the time. We're taking it easy....I responded.

I headed upstairs to lay down.

The cramping became extremely intense when I laid on my left side, like almost immediately.
It had this weird popping sensation.
I slowly rolled over to the other side but still couldn't get comfortable.

The next 20 minutes were spent rushing between the bathroom and my bed.
Every time I wiped, more blood, brighter blood.

Then a small clot.
Mark and I examined it.
It's small...I think that's just leftover because it's dark looking.
I agree.

Back and forth.
A few minutes later, I watched something much larger fall.

Oh my God....MARK!!!! Baby, I think it's the baby.
I plunged my hand into the toilet.....it was.
I went ghostly white.

Our beautiful baby.
No bigger than my thumb....sitting in the palm of my hand.

It was over.
My doctor was on call and I spoke with him about the miscarriage.
We wrapped him up and drove down the road to his office, where upon arrival, I passed the placenta.

Mark was a mess, puking and generally ill.
I stared off into the distance.

The doctor chatted with us for a bit then gave me an exam.
Luckily, no D&C is needed.

Everything was said and done, nearly as cleanly as possible, within the hour.

So, we are home.
I will be taking bereavement this week.
We need rest.

This year has been one big fuck-you, and this most definitely is the icing on the cake.
It's weird.....making life plans...and then having them stolen from you in a matter of minutes.
It's NOT. FUCKING. FAIR.

I know Mark and I will be fine.
I know we are strong together.
We know we could use a break....a different perspective.

Life will sure be different, knowing we will never be parents.
We poured our everything into making this happen...we have tried and failed to be parents for five years.
And now it's over.
We absolutely have no regrets.
But this chapter will be closing.

Life moves on, and we need to keep up.
We don't believe it's healthy to continue to make the sad times and struggle the norm.
We married each other, not for our parenting skills, but because we are soul mates.

And we will continue to love and honor each other.
Perhaps we'll travel more....maybe adopt more dogs.....maybe retire early.
Whatever it is...we'll do it together.

Thank you, for your continued support.
For your love and gifts and kind words, especially in the droves of IVF this year.
We were not expecting this....but we will get through it.

I may be a little social media shy in the near future, but know we are healing as the minutes pass.
Thank you for reading. XO