Simple Minded

My brain won't shut off.
I have a lot of things running on auto-pilot in there, both big and small.
Externally, I know a lot of it is just static that keeps me from completing normal tasks. I have been diligently working to remain present and focused on the tasks that require immediate attention vs. those that are larger and more existential in nature.

I have identified this void in my life and how it came to be.
Whether or not that is progress towards my purpose, I can't be sure, all I know is I have something concrete to work off of.

When I strived to become a mother, I essentially started placing the idea of motherhood on a pedestal. Motherhood would give me my purpose in life.
Because after reading as much information about the new life that comes with parenthood, and listening to other's talk about how much their daily lives changed, how much more fulfilled they are, how their sense of being shifted, how hard it is yet SO. WORTH IT, I just knew, YES! This is what I need in my life. I need this overwhelming life change to feel fulfilled!

As each month passed, and we were faced with more obstacles along the way, I started visualizing that this little pedestal that motherhood was perched onto...started to grow.
Higher and higher it climbed, until it seemed so high, I couldn't see it past the clouds.

When I became pregnant, finally, I assumed I would start to feel this sense of purpose I had longed for for so. many. years.
But I didn't, really.
Instead, what happened was full blown panic. Between illness, sadness from losing my beloved dog, the Holidays, and feeling an overwhelming need to start planning out the rest of my life with this new baby, my purpose didn't feel fulfilling.
It felt chaotic and stressful and icky.

And then I landed flat on my face at the close of 2016, which a miscarriage that shook me to the core, and that mountain to motherhood essentially shot into outer-space. I had no idea how to get there, and I started to think that maybe God was making this incredibly difficult for me because, perhaps, this wasn't supposed to be my path. Although I didn't want to admit it.
Maybe the last five years were supposed to teach me more about who I am, which, quite frankly...I don't really know anymore.

This void in my life started to unravel some other areas that band-aids hid for a long time.

About how I never seem content with what I have. How I make excuses for not being able to do-it-all and how I always feel guilty for not striving to be, do, create...more.
I'm not naive to the world around me, and sometimes that creates more resentment than happiness.

This is a separate notion than wanting to renovate, create, work on my life and my home.
I often never have any issues with motivation.

I just mean that a lot of times I feel like I don't do anything extraordinary.
What I do is a lot of okay-ish things.
I am very mediocre in a lot of ways, and it's really unsettling for me.

Because I thought that I would just kill it in life as a mother.
And now I'm not a mother and likely never will be, in the traditional sense, and my purpose, my bigger purpose that I was supposed to attain through that path is gone.

So who am I if not a mother?

When I cry these days, it's not necessarily because I'm reminiscing about the loss of our boy, or other tragic events. It's because all these overwhelming thoughts and ideas about who I am and who I want to be and how to do it and what makes me truly happy and what my purpose is all come flooding in and I don't know how to rifle through them easily.

Since I know first hand that I have ongoing anxiety and seasonal depression, I know myself enough to know that I would likely not be having these thoughts in the middle of a hot summer day.
I know a lot of these larger notions about myself are stemming from an abundance of free time and lack of sunlight.

I am working to change my mind set.
Instead of embracing the gloom of these winter days, I am changing my thinking to focus inward.
Think more simply.
Focus on one task at a time, check it off, breathe.

I have proactively taken on home projects to find something to do with my hands when work is at a lull.
I am challenging myself with workouts so that I can exhaust my mind and sleep more deeply.
I keep a small journal at my bedside, to jot down highlights from each day...a way to remember things I am grateful for.
I listen to uplifting and influential podcasts to and from work...to calm my commute and leave me less frazzled.
I am doing what I need to do, when I need to do it, on my own schedule, instead of constantly being a slave to other's schedules.
I am trying to feel less guilt for a lot of my complicated thoughts and reclusive nature these days.
It's who I am right now and I shouldn't be ashamed of it.
I am working extremely hard to be mindful of the things I do, when I do them, and find happiness and gratitude that I get to do those things, even if they are unpleasant.

I know I'm in a rut. I know my mind is on overdrive right now. I know a lot of times I want to throw in the towel and walk away from everything and sell coconuts on an island.
But I also know this is just a season of my life, and it's not outwardly pretty, but beautifully broken.
It's who I am, and I am grateful for these gray days.
They really do make the brighter ones so much more colorful, don't they?

Thanks for reading. XO