In the Valley

Some days are easy, and some days are hard.

Some days, hell, even weeks go by and I feel like I'm floating on cloud nine. All of my worries seem to be gone, life runs smoothly, and I don't have trouble thinking clearly. I am overly positive and optimistic, my marriage and my home are running smoothly....all is good.

And some days, or multiple days in a row, I just feel overwhelmed.
On those days I wonder if perhaps my crazy meds need to be adjusted because my thoughts and my vision seem to be a bit more jumpy than usual. I keep scrolling through the last couple years of my life...wondering how so much of my plans for the future seemed to derail, and the ending came so abruptly.

But did it?

I find myself falling into old habits...starting to open the can of worms that is my issues with conceiving, seeking out answers, coordinating things. I found myself logging into the egg donor site of my fertility clinic and looking at these beautiful, selfless girls offering their perfect little eggs to grow other people's families. And then I cried because I know just how messed up my own eggs are, and I'm sad knowing that portion of my life is over.

I find myself ordering new vitamins. After my last major blood draw at the fertility clinic, I learned my thyroid antibodies seem to be attacking my thyroid a bit....so of course the internet said BUY SELENIUM...so I did. I'm already on thyroid medication, and I don't really know why I'm bothering...but I did it and can now say I'm officially gobbling down 8 vitamins and medications on the daily. Cool.

I volley between wanting to move forward and follow what little faith I have and keep chugging along with life like normal people do, yet simultaneously sleeping for months on end.
It's weird to be both happy and really sad at the same time.

I'm ecstatic that we don't have to coordinate our entire lives and keep so much of it on hold these days, but I feel like I'm missing this huge chunk of my life that I just don't know how to attain.

Sometimes I bring up these feelings to Mark. He looks at our family building options very simply. And the reality is he simply doesn't want to pursue any more insane options that are remotely similar to IVF. So of course I asked...well what if we conceived naturally? And he responded...well that would be wonderful and we would figure it out.
I don't want to fight with him, because quite frankly I don't even know if I believe in what I would be fighting for either. I don't have the energy to figure everything out anymore...I just want it to happen. That surprise that everyone dreams about. I want to build my family in the same way he wishes it would go...without medical intervention or massive amounts of money.
And of course I agree...so I find myself blubbering out incoherent sentence fragments and just saying I DON'T KNOW BUT I JUST WANT TO BE A MOM.

He jumps up to give me the strongest hug I can imagine for as long as Burn will allow before he starts humping us both.
I am worn out from Orangetheory and don't really know what I want to say or not say and I most certainly don't want to cause an argument so I just take a shower. I assumed the crying would continue but then it doesn't, and I move on with the night.

I don't know if you ever really get over losing something you never really had, especially as a woman. We tend to dwell and relive and seek out the emotions and sit with them, as opposed to constant oppression like men do.

I have been in a valley right now, but I also know the only way to go is up, and tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks for reading. XO