Expectant

I have seen others pick a word to set the tone for the upcoming year. Almost by chance, my ears perked up the most to this one.

Expectant.

adjective

1. 1.

   having or showing an excited feeling that something is about to happen, especially something pleasant and interesting.
2. 
   

I had seen it a few times across my social media feeds. Joanna Gaines ringing in the New Year using the word, only to announce her FIFTH pregnancy shortly thereafter...friends awaiting a new addition, with captions of expectant....it just seems very fitting at the moment.

I guess the bigger picture with the word expectant in my life is that this overwhelming desire has been granted to me for a reason. Even though it may seem that I just up and decided one morning that my every thought would be consumed by motherhood, I know the timing and the journey were given to me specifically.

And I suppose the hardest hurdle has been comparison. I have watched countless others attain what I desire, and make it seem so easy. Or, at the very least, less of a struggle.
But, comparison has no place in my life. 

In the Midwest, we are fully enveloped in the dead of winter. 

I am not one that finds joy in the outdoor winter activities, so I focus inward.

Life seems slower and more intentional.

It's a good time to change my mindset from one of it's not fair to let's wait and see.

After our third failed IVF transfer, I finally realized fertility treatments are not going to bring us the baby we deeply desired. It was too hard on our marriage and too hard on my mind and body.

Depleting all our resources is not the proper way to bring life into this world.

My spirit was dead. 

Our finances were tapped. 

My body was an experiment. 

Our marriage was unsteady.

And I quickly became depressed, not knowing how to make my dreams a reality anymore.

I felt like a failure. Like I was throwing in the towel on my life's work.

With nowhere else to turn, I'm handing it over to God. This journey has become too much for me and I'm praying for help.

Instead of feeling like this dream is impossible, and that it's, well...just a dream, I want to believe there is a guardian angel, carefully curating my wishes for me as I navigate this next chapter. 

I want to fully embrace the idea of joy in the wait, as the news unfolds.

I don't know how it will, but I am leaning on faith and conviction that it will...IT MUST....when the timing is right for my life.

A dear friend on social media wrote me a quick comment that made me laugh: 

God didn't bring me this far to drop me on my ass. 

Isn't that the best?!

It's so true. Why would I be called to start this winding journey to motherhood to end up empty handed? Wouldn't that be considered a waste if it just stopped abruptly? 

Although I don't comprehend what is in store for me at all....the possibilities are fruitful and overflowing.

How amazing is it to feel so full of life, realizing you are expectant with such good news?!

The anticipation is very freeing. Knowing that God won't let me fall on my ass after all this heart-ache. These dismal times were lessons, as they opened my mind and my arms to something greater in the future. 

I don't know what that is and I don't have to know right now.

My purpose is to keep bringing joy each day to myself, and to those around me.

To stop waiting for the miracle. Stop putting my life on hold in the meantime. 

It's coming. If it's still desired in my heart then God knows it and will make it happen. 

I will live fully and purposefully until the expectant information is fully revealed.

I can't wait to see what happens with the lessons we have learned in the last five years. 

It has got to be setting the scene for some pretty spectacular stuff!

Thank you for reading! XO