I need to know how to let life happen and not be such a psycho all the time, I'm sure Bayou would appreciate that

Sweet Baby Jebus....
The last oh....month or so have been a complete shit storm of uncontrollable non-sense that is both work and home related.  I just cannot believe how busy I have become with work...to the point where I think I had at least 3 wine chugging breakdowns and then a REAL breakdown.....at WORK.....CRYING....to an awesome co-worker. If that didn't launch her to rethink our friendship and slowly creep out of the room with wide eyes then maybe we are really meant to be friends.  Sorry S...by the way. . about all that.

Why I have little faith in humanity....especially if it is during a Zombie Apocalypse

There is a good chance that at some point...while driving one of our cars...I have managed to piss someone off.  There is also a good chance that that person may live in the same neighborhood as me.  I am...from time time, more aggressive in my driving habits than I need to be.  In the faster cars..I tend to tailgate as I am always late and you are always driving at least 10mph under the speed limit.  I also know that nearly all of of our cars are eccentric in their own way.  None of them are fuel efficient or eco-friendly.  I don't give a shit.  I really don't have a desire to charge a vehicle or own something with less than 6 cylinders.  I have my own reasons and quite frankly, I don't get an F if you don't like it.  I am not an asshole for not wanting to save the world with my choice of car.  There are plenty of assholes out there that choose to do a variety of things that I personally don't agree with but would never tell you to your face that you are an asshole at life....unless you seriously deserve it.

Somehow this post turned into a reflection of my weight through the years....

Hi.
I have been up since 5:30am, as per usual every Saturday morning, to make my 6:30am Boxing class at the Y.  I KNOW.  I know that is ungodly early to even be contemplating being awake on the weekend, yet alone actually moving, violently, as though I am attacking a phantom mugger.  Complete with wee lil' 3 lb hand gloves and a seriously runny nose.  For realz, I always yawn constantly while working out, followed by watery eyes and a runny nose.  All of my face holes leak.  Sexy.

This very well could be my former self

Am I right or am I right?
I'm right.....

No. This isn't me as a child (note the red hair on this one....I think I see her soul in the background)
Anyways.......
Someone pinned this on Pinterest and now this poor child will forever be known as the TBagged baby.  Her parents thought it was cute. Her parents are retarded.

And that wraps up this post.  I have a 2....maybe 3 part series coming up on our living room renovation/Halloween decorations and the like...maybe some costumes....I finally sucked it up and got spooky with it.

PS- Did you know that Gilded TBags now has a FB fan page?  My stupid widget button on this blog isn't working for the time being...but you can find updates about these blog posts and various other ramblings
HERE! 
So you should go there....and click the LIKE button!!!

Lipton TBags...Out.

Boo on Halloween....so far

Usually the FIRST weekend it becomes October I am nearly peeing with excitement that I get to drag out all of my Halloween decorations and turn our humble abode into a relatively terrible frightening Haunted Mansion.....at least to the kids in our neighborhood that manage to climb the hill to our house for full size candy bars.

That's right....full size....we don't skimp on shoveling sugar into your kids mouths....they're not my problem.  I just love to see their eyes light up when you say....YES! Please take two or THREE!  They almost cannot contain themselves....almost like I can't.

Who really wants a pearl necklace and why some Karl's are hotter than others

This post is about to get all kinds of terrible. *A Quick disclaimer to any family members that will inevitably read this....I'm not into this crap..I just think it's hilarious to talk about and giggle at like a child...swears*
Also...this may be the post where you guys either fall in love with me or are honestly disgusted and stop reading.  I'm hoping you are on the more mental side...

Why the Meijer's is Awesome

I hit up good ole' Meijer's every now and again for two things:

Womp Womp- Piss and Vinegar and Sadness...and maybe a dim light at the end of the tunnel

Sorry I haven't written much.  I feel like I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster that seems to be ever changing depending on the time of day or the sun or the moon or what I've been drinking or how my day was or how everyone else's day has been.

I'm still here-pinky swear!

Yo!  I know you guys are totes freaking out because I haven't had a post all week.  I promise I am still here.....I have been cooking up some stuff and changed some stuff in my life and it's been kind of taking over all my free time.  No, not pregnant. I just realized the phrase "cooking up something" can be deceiving.  It's actually pretty awesome how quickly things happen when I just stop freaking out for 5 seconds and try to just let life happen.  This, by the way, it work/fitness related...not a baby announcement....sorry folks. That will probably be a while.  Thanks for hanging in!  I noticed I had hundreds of views of my blog in the last week even when not bombarding FB with my constant blog garbage.  Stay tuned!

Why I May Already Be Prepared for Children

Bayou and his brother venture onto the river Thursday night for the last boat race of the summer.
Wonderful, I thought.  See....I don't really care that he goes out on a school night, I just know that I have to prepare for what inevitably lies ahead for when he stumbles home and the lack of sleep that will likely happen.  I met some friends out for a drink after work, and was successfully home from the ci-tay by 7:45...enough time take the dogs on a long walk, prep my stuff for the next day, and chill out.

I call Bayou at 7:30 on my way home.

Me: Hey babe, heading home now.....how are you guys doing?
Bayou:: Oh hey TBag....we are wrapping up now.  Putting the hammer down.  I will see you real soon.
(This is hilarious because our boat is a pontoon with a 25 horsepower engine)...."Hammer down" is laughable.
Me:  Ok...sounds good. (Knowing damn well those tards are at Blarney Island, and judging by every other time we left that place....he has at least 45 minutes of a boat ride back to their shop, then at least 30 minutes of dicking around and a 15 minute drive home)

Tiny Hippo

I just thought this was hilarious. 

You're Welcome.  

Happy Friday!

Humanity at its Finest

Seriously.....what is WRONG with people.  I ride the train. I have to touch things that people have probably already touched with boogers on their hands and listen to people hack and sneeze and snore on a daily basis....but it is NOT acceptable to perform daily routines of hygiene when you are LITERALLY within 2. FEET. OF. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The thing about short Italians and another chance to win something awesome

Hi.  I haven't been feeling overly inspired to write anything, but I can fill you in on the random happenings in the last week or so.  First, I had my Birthday, and you guys failed to make it to 10 comments which means you don't get a chance to receive the shiny magical unicorn necklace I was going to send you on YOUR birthday.  But I forgive you...perhaps you were nervous you couldn't handle this type of awesome....or maybe...just maybe, you didn't really have any idea what  I meant when I said...post a comment.  I got a bunch of comments on the FB post, but only a few on the blog, which is what I was hoping for.  We can try again though...you and me, together, holding hands, forever.  Halloween is fast approaching, so that's the theme we are going for here.

Feast your eyes on the Prizes:

Birthday Nonsense

IT'S MY BIRF-DAY!!  That's right fools.....the last acceptable year to say out loud...the big 2-9.

Eh....it is what it is, I love having birthdays and I love getting older....I imagine myself old and crusty...sitting in bar with ALL of my gaudy jewelry on sipping a hot pink martini still thinking I'm the hotness while preaching to men half my age...."You don't know WHERE I've been honey..." or something along those lines.  I'm excited to age another year.  I'm at a better place both professionally and personally.  Gone are the days of worrying about other people's opinions (even though for some reason they still give 'em....Did you know that no one cares?  That's right buddy.....not. one. person.)  And gone are the days where I questioned how I would pay the bills and still have a little extra money to actually have fun or splurge for once.  I am still endlessly frugal, and always will be.  It's in my blood.  You can thank my father for being a tight wad.  I get excited to watch savings grow or to not spend an entire paycheck each month.....I know.  LAME.

So I was born at 9:58am, and I just know, like clock-work, my mom will be calling me at exactly that time...probably at work, singing me Happy Birthday. As corny as that is....I would imagine I will do the same thing. 

I'm feeling a little giving today.  So here's the deal.  I need at least 10 volunteers.  You hear me?  10.  I will send you something awesome on YOUR birthday, but you have to do the following.

***Post a comment that includes you birth Day and birth Month and let me know one little tid bit about you.....something you think I want to hear and that you want all of the interwebs to know about as well.

At the end of today, I will do a random number selection with some fancy interwebs magic (yes, it will be legit) and whoever is picked will be contacted via e-mail.

There has to be at least 10 or it won't work and no one wins.  So let's all be awesome people!! I know you are all dying to get some random crap mailed to your home.

Oh...p.s.- NO P.O. Box address's.....don't worry, it won't be dangerous or deadly.  Only awesome.


Ready? Go!!!

I will be enjoying some cake and champaggin at some point today....you will be totally jealous, because the birthday cake is left over from this weekend, the the champaggin is really $4 sparkling wine.

Birfday Girl.....TBag.  Out.

Fashion Fail Friday.....and the End of an Era

Ladies and Germs....it's another weekly installment of Fashion Fail Friday with your Host.....the soggiest TBag of them all.....Yours Truly.

This one comes straight from Adult Toddlers in Tiaras Training.......feast your eyes on this fancy lad-ay.

How to Look Like a Mary Kay Rep....this is a terrible thing

 As I previous posted on FB, I fully realized my entire outfit coordinated WITH my umbrella today.  Completely.  And maybe you're thinking...."Aww Tbag, that is SO cute!"

No, no my friends, it is not.

I have my reasons for wearing the top I wore and the skirt I wore.

1)  Skilling said it was supposed to rain all day....dolla bills yo. Therefore...on rain days, I wear a skirt.
I do this to avoid the inevitable fact that rain splashes and makes all fabric materials below the knee a heavy soaked, freezing mess to deal with for the rest of the day at work.

AND

2) I really wanted to wear my striped top.  Hell, most of my tops are striped.  Or blouses if you are fancy.  So I suppose I was going for a semi-colorblock effect.  What is color blocking?  THIS.

So....the minute I jumped into my car and looked at my umbrella, I realized they were the exact same colors as my outfit...to a T.........Bag.  Oi....


Here are pictures.  ADVANCE NOTICE...my camera phone takes horrendous pictures. I look like a ghost and most of my desk at my office is in the background....that's my home away from home at my fancy ass job...aren't you jealous?!

So A) Umbrella

+ B) Cute Outfit

=  C) Mary Kay Streetwalker

I'm actually surprised I looked halfway decent this morning as from the second I stepped foot outside the train to the moment I walked to the door at work it rained sideways. LIT-rally.  And yes, I am totally aware that my umbrella is huge (that's what he said)....but but but!! I have had those teeny tiny ones before and this bitch isn't a fan.  They break immediately and I end up throwing them away or watching them blow down the street while my mascara runs down my face and I end up looking like a drowned rat.  Chicago weather can be brutal, so I came prepared with the most enormous one I could find.






Soggy TBags. Out.

Hope and Thanks

Hey There!

Guess what??  Gilded just broke the 700 page views mark!!  Thanks to everyone that loves or hates or makes fun of or just generally enjoys this blog.  Your standards are clearly lower than low, and I love you for it.

Triple B is here!

A good friend of mine just updated her super FAB blog, A-Life-From-Scratch, to include their newest addition......and nope!  Not another deelish dinner idea.....Baby B!!  Check it out....and let's be honest.  How fabulous does she look after havin' a bebe?!?! NOT. FAIR.

So, of course, the only logical thing to do is drag Bayou to Buy Buy Baby to get another friend of ours her baby shower gift. 

Congrats C!!

Fashion Fail Friday

Hi.
I wasn't going to make another post this week but then I was graced with the most glorious site EVAH. 

This one isn't from the train.  It was when I was walking to work.  I can only assume this sassy lady assumed she was the HOTNESS and therefore decided it was acceptable to waddle to work looking like this:

Wine Wasted Wednesday and the inevitable deep thoughts that come with drinking too much

Let me start off by saying that Karma really is a little bitch.  Why? Because of a series of events that occurred during the day yesterday that led me to come home and get Wednesday Wine Wasted on the floor of my kitchen.

I almost forgot to add a Title to this Post....ta da!

Hello everyone.....I have been a mass of emotions in the past couple of days and whilst I would love to blame the Hag.....that chapter has FINALLY come to a close and now we can begin the obsession/hoping/praying for the next round.  Shall we?

Devil in a Blue Dress, and by blue dress, I mean blue DYE. Blue Dye is the DEVIL.

So...I suppose I should start off by apologizing for my absence the last couple of weeks. I vowed to get at least one post a week so that I could make all of you dumber at a more consistent rate, but I have already failed at my only commitment to this blog.  You don't deserve to have two whole weeks go by....left to deal with the realities of how terrible this world is without a little break in the day to just laugh at someone else. 


But no worries, I have the best worst tales in ALL  the lands for your amusement. No.....Not really, but I will fill you in on my retardedness for a hot minute so you know what has been consuming every waking moment of my life.  It is truly a disgrace.

OK- so of course after I get my positives on the OPK strips...I'm all, "WELL LET'S START TO ANALYZE EVERY TWITCH AND TWINGE AND YES YES YES I'M SURE IT'S A PREGNANCY SYMPTOM"....ok, not quite, but I did manage to keep a most impressive journal of all these teeny tiny little "symptoms".  I actually felt pretty calm about each day as we approached the witching hour...the final hours that would prove whether or not I was acting completely psychotic or whether I really was "in tune with my body".........guess which one I was?

PiYo and OPK...sadly the two most exciting things in my life today

My life has been consumed with peeing onto and into things recently

WTF is that?

A quickie for ya.  Bayou and I went to a housewarming party yesterday where there were babies and puppies galore!!! I just wanted to SMASH them they were so cute.  Anyways...I wore a thin summer dress....something super fancy that I believe I bought in South Beach for approximately $3.  It's backless; and I'm all "I'M SO SMART!" I will wear my petals.  What are these you ask?
Oh just these fucking things....

Tits and Tats

I haven't had too many super sweet awesome things happen in the past couple of days; although there is always room to share.  Since I have a hard time organizing my thoughts; this is obviously the best outlet.....

In all seriousness

Most of my posts have been relatively fun and lighthearted, but this morning, as I am rifling through work emails like a zombie, I decided to put adult related serious activities on hold for a sec and talk about my night. See...I tend to be a creeper on a lot of blogs, just like you guys :), and never really post any comments, but enjoy reading other people's insanity. I suppose it makes me feel a little less psycho myself. During my train ride home, I furiously flipped through a blog called "Motherhood: A Descent Into Madness", and had to end with THIS post. Not because I think her writing is bad or that the topic was inappropriate; quite the opposite actually. She gives wonderful insight to women (and men) both with and without kids, about what it's like to raise 3 of her own. This post was a reflection about something horrendous she witnessed as a child, and how it has resonated with her ever since. I completely, 100% agree with her tone and view on the topic, and it will end up being one of my own fears raising kids as well.

Boo Yeah!

I wanted to say a quick THANK YOU!  And why?!?!!?  Because you LIKE ME! You REALLY LIKE ME!   My little blog ticker thing says I have had just over 200 page views since I started this terrible AWESOME blog 2 weeks ago. (And NO, 199 of those aren't from yours truly, I was actually able to disable my computers from recording myself.)
So this means I have 199 creepers new friends or just 10 good friends that are willing to stalk my page over and over and over again. I'll take it, either way.


So do me a quickie (that's what she said) and go ahead and actually start following my blog and posting comments!!! I love comments! Just keep it clean people and send me some lovin!

TBag. Out.

So. Stupid.

How many pregnancy tests do I have to fail prior to my "lady time" before I lose my mind?

Why can't I just wait until I "don't get it" to have some actual confirmation. 

Why am I so. stupid.........(don't answer that.  I already know.)

It's just not gonna happen this month.  Maybe next month.....which means another month of summer to drink!!!

4th of July Massacre

What's up fools?!  I hope everyone has SOME kind of fun plans for today, even if those plans are sitting in your air conditioned house, chugging Jameson through a straw and passing out early.

My "plans" started last night, where apparently I forgot how to drink correctly, had a whopping 2 Bud Lite Platinum's and passed out at 8pm, completely dizzy.  I know.... it was intense.  In my defense, those suckers have 6% alcohol as opposed to the standard 4.5% so it's really like having 3 WHOLE. BEERS.  Polished off some Chipotle and I was happily flopped into bed.

For today's festivities; we start with our traditional weekend mornings, which involves me brushing Retard to death with a rubber blue hand brush pad thingy, coffee, lots of coffee, and witnessing, yet again, the uninvited guests that have graced us with their annual 4th of July presence.  Who are these guests you ask?

Basket case

I am being overly productive by sipping a Bud Lite Platinum (only the classiest, I Know.) and watching Kendra on Top.  And the episode was when they put their son, Hank Jr. into pre-school for the first time.  On their way out after they dropped him off, Kendra starts blubbering, and the hell if I didn't start to choke up for the same reason.  What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.  I don't even have a kid.  Get a grip TBag! 
That is all. 

PS- this post is titled "Basket-case" because Kendra's hubby's last name is Basket......get it? GET IT?
I know, I'm so awesome.

A Little bit Retarded

I figured I would clue you in on the habits of my other fur face, however, it may be cut short as I am currently monitoring a potential brawl between the two (Asshole has one of Retard's toys and Retard is hovering over Asshole whining....so far so good)

Meet my Asshole

This is my Asshole. No, that's not his real name, but I find myself calling him this more often than not. I think it's precious.  So Asshole was my first dog.  He is a frenchie, and we plucked him up a little over six years ago.  I love him to death.  I love him SO MUCH that I put up with all. of. his. shit. including the story I'm about to tell you. 

I caved.

I said I would never have a blog and would you lookie here?!?!?  My reason for starting a blog is so I can ramble enough to all the millions of people no one about all the garbage thoughts I have in my head.  I was becoming depressed about my new found obsession.  Specifically, babies.  My own babies.  Raising them to be semi- psychotic, fully functioning adults like yours truly.  As I am approaching 29, I found this uncontrollable desire to start researching all about pregnancy and raising a kid.  Please keep in mind that if you had asked me if I wanted kids prior to six months ago, I would have slapped a pair across your face while chugging a Bud Lite Lime.  NO!! No Kids, no way, no how.  Bayou and I were in the same boat...let's keep all the money and all the time to ourselves!!! (Ok...let's give a little lot of time to our furballs Asshole, Retard, and Cat too).  But now....I find myself in a dilemna...I want them.  2 to be exact.  Now.  And so I have ventured into rough waters by opening that conversation with Bayou.  Being the hard headed Italian he is, and the hard headed mut I am....let's just say...change is, well, interesting. Especially the big things like, marriage, raising dogs, renovating, etc.

But no worries, I won't bother you with all baby talk.  There is plenty of semi-psychotic thoughts just waiting to pour out. 

Oh, and I must admit, if you haven't already noticed.  I'm not exactly PC. I'm not overly religious, although I have Faith.  I make mistakes, both in life and on this blog, it's bound to happen.  I tend to be a little smart-ass who manages to shove my own foot in my mouth on a daily basis, and quite frankly, I really don't care most of the time.  I really do mean well.  I like to take most things in stride, and them at the same time, obsess and nit pick over the stupidest things.  You get what you get.

So let's toast a redneck Bud Lite to the demise of the interwebs via Gilded TBags!!!