You Purge

I'm no longer filling my precious free time with all the jumbled thoughts about IVF, babies, mom stuff, pregnancy, maternity leave, post-partum issues, daycare, child-proofing, body after baby, shots schedules, cycles...and so many of the other minute and relatively useless thoughts that scamper through my mind every waking second.

I realized I had all this newly found free time (at least, in my head) and nothing to fill it with.

And it's making me stabby.

But do I NEED to fill it? Should I constantly feel busy? Is there a way around this chaos?

What do people in my situation do? Should I wait? Jump in? 

What is this new normal...who am I? What am I to do with myself?

WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?!

I haven't quite figured that out yet...mostly because I can't really focus on all that philosophical crap just yet.

When IVF failed again, and I miscarried for the second time in a year, officially closing the journey to become parents, I can't say all the debt left with it. I wish it did...but I see that credit card balance laughing at me while I furiously wish it to go to Hell.

So now I am trying to turn off this switch in my brain; the one that I have been caressing for five long years, the one that would inevitably make me an awesome mom to a sweet babe or two. But it's not really a switch, it's more like the Hoover Dam and I am Clark Griswold trying to plug up the leaks with bubble gum.  I have no idea what I'm doing and no money to just up and change things and no plans and no nothing.

So you know what you do in this predicament?

I couldn't fathom adding anything new. I can hardly manage to think about holiday decor. I took down all my Halloween decorations before Halloween. I didn't want to look at any more...clutter.

Clutter is pissing me off. I realized I was stuffing little trinkets and baby items and things for the future all over our home, just in case, you know, I actually became a mom.  All this...stuff...was starting to accumulate and I had had enough. 

Because there is no future. 

I just have what I have now.

I have no plans.

I have no goal.

I just want a blank slate. TO THINK! So I dug in.

I started with the shelves of baby items. Clothes, toys, stuffed animals, blankets, pregnancy tests, empty pill bottles. I donated, sold them, or threw them out. 

All of it.

I want none of it in my house anymore as a constant sad reminder of this time that will never come.

I pulled dresses of their hangers that I held onto because I thought they would look good on me when I was pregnant.

Random draperies and table lamps and pillows and artwork and shoes and clothes that I am no longer interested in...all donated.

The majority of Halloween and Christmas decorations....gone.

I needed to pare everything down. I only wanted the items that made me smile.

I don't need anymore reminders about shitty times and sadness.

I have enough of that going on in my head, thank you very much.

Idle times are currently making me scroll back through social media feeds and bring grief to the forefront. The grief is welcome, but I am not one to let it consume me anymore.

We can sit together, but only for a bit, and then I have to move forward.

In the midst of this frantic purging, which is still likely ongoing for many weeks, I came down with a two week cold that literally knocked me on my ass. Apparently God didn't think I was being easy enough on myself, so he handled that for me.

For two solid weeks, all I have done is sleep, stare off into space, slump into work, and purge.

My body is resetting.

This dreaded illness seems to be the accumulation of the all the anxiety and adrenaline and worry and chaos of the last five years....all crashing down on my immune system at once.

When I was feeling better, I grabbed another garbage bag and loaded more items into the trunk of my car. 

If you're looking for a way to reinvent who you are, to find out what you truly like and what you want to live for....get rid of all the other bullshit.

It's crazy to think that I have already accumulated nearly 20 bags of items that were just taking up useless space in our home. Items that I'm sure Mark doesn't even realize are missing (men) but were making my skin crawl. 

And I'm not even one to hoard things in the first place!

But it feels good. Chipping away towards this new blank slate.

I feel like I am accomplishing something, while we wait to get back on top of our finances, get through the holidays and survive the one-year-anniversary of the loss of our baby. 

Man.....life is fucking weird sometimes.

I could never have imagined this is where we would be, had you asked me five years ago.

No one ever talks about IVF not working.

It's supposed to be the golden standard, after all.

But we have a new life to create, and I plan to purge until I have enough space to fill that life up with so much more good.

Thanks for reading. XO