Friday Finds

Light Bulbs / PJ's / Body Wash / Rope Light / Ficus Plant / Snake Plant / Lotion / Ladder Shelf

Quick note: I don't do affiliate links. I just wanted to give you guys a chance to snag these items should you feel so inclined! :)

So you guys! Mark is going to kill me.
I keep buying things and I can't stop, won't stop.

But! I swear I can justify all of it.

The items above have all been purchased in the last week (okay, in the last day) and I'm really hoping everything pans out because it's not like I actually stepped foot into a store to peruse the aisles.

That would make an even BIGGER dent in the ole' wallet ;)

1. See those super cool, half dipped silver bulbs? When I re-did our living room, I bought this kick ass new light fixture and some new Edison bulbs to go with it.

What I didn't take into consideration when purchasing the bulbs was that the light coming from them would be the equivalent of the sun.

We have had the fixture installed since October and have probably only turned it on once.
And I think my retina's are still paying the price.

So! I'm hoping these new bulbs will replace the blinders and all will be well and the room won't be overwhelmingly yellow anymore.

2. Cute striped PJ's. So Mark doesn't exactly think it's attractive that I schlep around the house in oversized (super warm and comfy!!) sweat pants all the time.

I think his exact words were, "With those pockets and low crotch it looks like you are walking around with shit in your pants."

Cool.

So to try and make myself be a tad more feminine, I am opting for these leggings.
Although I can GUARANTEE they won't be as warm.
But if they are soft, I will wear them until the ass wears out.

3. Buying body wash and lotion isn't exactly ground-breaking. However, I don't buy name brand anything when it comes to shower gear, since most likely the generic counterparts are just as good.

But...I have these lovely flat tiny red bumps on the backs of my arms.
I've had them every winter for my whole life. Forever and ever.

And while most of the time I just ignore them, it's not attractive.

And then one of my favorite bloggers Lindsay sent me over an article with two items to supposedly clear up the problem: Neutrogena body wash and Amlactin lotion.

I plan to use them starting today to see if it makes a difference!

4. ROPE LIGHTING - You guys!!! I have a serious obsession with this nautical look. In my last post, I told you I found the perfect table lamps and now I plan to install this light (with the extra death-ray Edison bulbs I just happen to have!) in my guest room.

Funny fact...most of the rooms in my house don't have any sort of installed ceiling lighting which makes my need for easy install and/or table lamps a must.

I don't know what it is about lighting that gets me all choked up.
I seriously cannot make a decision to save my life.

I have been looking at this rope lighting for MONTHS debating on whether or not to just buy it already.

So I finally did. I'll post some photos once I figure out how to hang it!

5. Home Depot has some excellent choices in live plants and I hopped on that damn bandwagon.

I have no idea if I can even keep real plants alive in my house so I chose two that required minimal maintenance.
I mean, they are basically cactus...that's how little I have to water them!

6. And last but not least, I needed some sort of storage piece in the living room that wasn't bulky but can hold another (nautical) lamp, a laptop, and some blankets. Enter this ladder shelf.

I have yet to install it, so I'm hoping it'll look right and go together easily.

Have you ever seen the scene in Office Space where that guy goes ape shit on the printer?
Um....yea...that's me when I can't get furniture put together correctly.
Which is also why I will never shop at IKEA. Never ever.

Welp, those are my recent buys.
Anything you have bought recently that you care to share?

Happy Friday and thanks for reading!!

This Painted Home

If I were to focus this blog on my home and DIY projects, I definitely would have called it,
"This Painted Home."

Simply for the fact that at some point in the duration of my time at our home, the majority of all walls and furniture within will be upgraded or refreshed with a coat of paint.

The white cabinet in the photo above? You may remember the before picture in my last post!
And for those of you that follow on Instagram (@tgendooza)....that is one of my new lamps!
I love the nautical look!

Four months after we moved in, I took on my first project and painted and stenciled the large gray walls in the entryway.

Then we refinished our upstairs bathroom, and to save a few bucks, Mark and I completed the majority of the demo and finish work, where I painstakingly pried off walls tiles (set with wood glue!), sanded and patched for hours, then finally painted those original plaster walls.

Next up was our guest room and outdoor pool shed.
While I was between jobs last year, I spent my time giving the guest room my personal touch, along with blasting off the rust on our old pool shed and turning it into something beautiful rather than an eye sore.

During the fall I worked on our living room.
My hope was to give the space a lighter feel, so I tore down the thick maroon drapery and painted the walls a cheerful nautical gray color.

And now?
I am juggling many projects, most of which aren't necessary complete yet, but I'm getting there.
I painted all the major walls a lovely gray-white color to give a slight contrast to the thick white molding original to the home (from 1922!).

The larger cabinet, originally used as a TV stand, went from black to gray and I decided to use it as a buffet near the dining room.
Still to do: Hang the mirror on the wall and organize the dishes correctly in the drawers.

Also note....we are probably going to have to deal with that lovely carpet and yellow tile another year. I'm not comfortable spending money on new flooring just yet when our IVF bills are TBD at this point!

A couple weeks back, I painted our piano as well.
Again with the carpet!! Blegh....we'll get there.
(I also need some rocks for the base of that foliage....one of the little details I keep forgetting!)

And there you have it!
Still working my way through this wait, and I hope to have everything completed soon.
Each room has little tweaks here and there and I'll continue to give you guys updates as I go along!

Thanks for reading!!

The Weekend

This weekend was a welcome change to the humdrum winter days.
Although it was short lived, an entire day outside in the sunshine and (semi) warmth did our whole family good.

I went for my first outdoor run of the year, and although my shins are still aching today, it felt GOOD to run in the fresh air, and not on a treadmill for once!

The dogs ran around like maniacs all over our property....gingerly overstepping muddy areas and sniffing all the things (including each other).

They would sit on the driveway and bask in the warmth of the sun, just like during the summer!

And it wouldn't be summer-ish without a margarita! (or six!)
I may have over-imbibed Saturday as Mark and I danced in the driveway to Huey Lewis, then warmed up over a fire pit after the sun set.

Needless to say, I am quite the productive person when intoxicated.
Two loads of laundry, washed, dried, and folded that I don't exactly remember!

Sunday morning was rough (shocking).
I slept terribly and managed to step on the cat while hunting around for more water.
I was in desperate need, obviously.

But, there was much to do and I wouldn't feel right waking up on Monday without checking off a few things.

I got our taxes done and can finally breathe a sigh of relief that a lot of our current debt is now taken care of.

Until the next round of IVF bills....over it.

I wanted to paint something, so I ended up taking a brown cabinet that was originally going to be discarded, and re-purposed it in our living room in the same color as our main floor walls.
I'll be sure to post an updated pic when I remember!

In between all of this, I managed to meal-prep, put away my laundry, wash the car, bathe both dogs, and deep clean the downstairs bathroom.

We are having a guy come out to refinish our cast iron tub this week and I just couldn't have him see the current state of affairs that we are calling the bathroom.
It was time.

Mark headed out for the day to watch Nascar and do guy things.
I love that we have our time together and apart.
I'm more of a homebody than he is, so when the days are cooler, I like to stay productive inside.
We both ended Sunday fulfilled in our own ways.
It's great for our relationship.

So that was our weekend.
How was yours? Hope you got out and did something fun!!

Thanks for reading!!

Fri-YAY!

Happy FRIDAY loves!!
The sun is SHINING! The birds are SINGING! It's already 50 DEGREES OUTSIDE!!

A local radio station, Kiss FM, does a 25 minute throw-back remix every Friday morning, and it just so happens to coincide with my commute to work, which makes me all the more happy, jamming out to N'SYNC and Ja Rule.

This warm weather (albeit temporary) is exactly what we need as a break from the gray cloud life we are currently living.
I am trying my best to stay positive, but sometimes a dull, monotone world, set to repeat, beats you down, you know?

And on a more gross note....this morning also brought me some weird shit.

So, it's warmer today because of the high southern winds.
And no sooner did Mark leave for work, I headed to the back door to let the dogs out and enjoy the sunshine.
And what was laying there right outside the back door?

A dead squirrel.
A BIG dead squirrel.

I freak out because honestly, some bad shit happened to it.
It clearly didn't die naturally.

I call Mark and am like...."DID YOU SEE THE SQUIRREL WHEN THE DOGS WENT OUT THE FIRST TIME?"
He says no.
I thought maybe Burn killed it, but it wasn't there mere minutes ago!

Burn is rather predatory, so I knew they wouldn't just leave the poor guy alone.
I had to get rid of it.

VOMIT COMET.

So I headed outside with the largest garbage bag I could find.
Once I was over it, I started to assess the situation because honestly where the hell did it come from?

My only conclusion was it was dropped by a hawk or the high winds knocked it off our roof?
I have no friggin' clue.

All I know is it was totally fucking gross and I can't believe some of the things I have to deal with sometimes.

So I grab the fucking thing by the tail and use the rest of the garbage bag to block me from seeing it flail around.

UGH.

I dispose of it over the fence and spray the area with vinegar so my dogs don't sniff it and catch something vile.

Gross. Okay, moving on.

Oh! I should mention, those daisies in the photo above?! $1.99 from Trader Joe's!

So pretty, right?

They are sold in small bunches, so all you have to do is clip the ends and they will start to bloom within a couple days.
I think it's a better bang for your buck, because they are around much longer since they haven't even BLOOMED yet!

We are officially DONE with the first of our six week PGD set-up.
I don't count weekends because they fly by and I manage to stay totally busy.
It's the days I am at work, in front of my computer, where the endless Googling occurs.

I just love being able to check things off in my calendar, even if it's just a line through the prior day!

Now, I shouldn't be spending money, but summer is (hopefully) right around the corner, and I had to re-evaluate my bikini situation.

See....I will be going through many rounds of shots in my stomach and butt during the warmer months, and while I'm hoping to still rock a two-piece, I think having something a tad more modest to hide the bruising/swelling is in order. And the beer bloat when it's okay to drink!!

Therefore, I purchased a few high-waisted bikini bottom options from Target, and I'm hoping when they arrive next week, something will pan out. If not..I may be asking you swell people for some other options!

Any favorites? (Side note...this chick has zero ass...trying these on should be interesting....)

This post has been random, and weird.
Thanks for reading and have a happy weekend!!

Six Weeks

Quick note, I totally threw you guys for a loop blogging on a Monday, huh? Anyways...

Well folks, we are six weeks in.

Six weeks ago, we sat down with Dr. Jacobs to go over a general timeline of what is to be expected.
We were handed a thick packet of papers to review, and eventually, sign-off on.
(I haven't done any of it yet)

I was introduced to our IVF team in Highland Park, where we went over costs (gulp), set-up, and procedures. I then scheduled my intake phone screen with the genetics lab.

Two weeks later I had that phone screen only to find out we needed to coordinate an ungodly amount of saliva all over the country from all four of our parents.
After much begging, pleading, willing, praying, begging, negotiating...and did I mention begging? we got our parents DNA results.

Those results were sent from California to New Jersey.
Along with blood vials for Mark and I.

Oh! Funny story (I can't believe I forgot to tell you!) So, the day we went to get our blood drawn, Mark and I were ushered into a small room to sign a bunch of waivers and what not.

Mark immediately heads over to a wall filled with tchotchkes on a bunch of shelves (all the shiny things!) and grabs an hour glass. He proceeds to flip it over and tells me "how cool these things are."

I am hardly paying attention at this point because I'm trying to read disclosure statements and whatever other garbage is in front of me.

So the nurse comes in and agrees with Mark....Isn't that thing so cool!? I hate that it goes so much slower than the smaller ones though.....

I stopped in my tracks and slowly look up at this lady.

What.

Clearing my throat, I say...."like sands through an hour glass.....so are the days of our lives."

And watch the wheels start to spin.

OOOOHHHHH....it tells TIME!!! A WHOLE HOUR!! How cool, huh?
Those little ones must be, like....MINUTES or something!?

HOLY SHIT.  I'm about to let this crazy bitch stab me with a needle and SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AN HOUR GLASS IS?

How, in a person's entire existence, did the thought or question ever come up to ASK WHAT IT IS?

Ok, whatever......I follow her out of the room to the stabbing chair...YOLO.

I proceed to tell her the chances of me passing out are high.
I can't help it. It happens with almost every needle that enters my body.

Shots at the doctor at a kid? Pass out on my mom
Blood draws at my old gyno? Slump down and out of the chair as the nurse hurries out of the room, ignoring me.
Ears pierced at Claire's? Pass out in public (that one was fun)

So I get myself ready for the inevitable.
I slump back in the chair so my head is resting along the back.

She pokes me....(I should also mention that she keeps saying small prick AFTER the needle is already in my arm) and I look down and realize she is nowhere near a vein.

I'm going to have to maneuver the needle.

UM.....I'm a lefty, why don't you just try the other side instead of MOVING the needle around in my arm, m'kay?

I feel the hot sweats starting.
Trying to will all my yoga power to focus on some speck on the ceiling....I get light headed.

The needs enters my left arm....Small prick!...she says again.

Welp....see you on the flip side....I spout, and wake up seconds later to her yelling at another nurse for back-up.

I already had my juice box ready to go, so am grabbing for it while the nurse is asking if anyone has sniffing salts.

I'm good! This happens all the time.  I'll be okay...no salts, please.

I pay the lady at the front my $3,000 deposit for the upcoming procedure, then we are out the door.

And now?

We wait.
Our PGD set-up is finally under way.
The geneticist says it'll take roughly six weeks to complete.

So we're six weeks in, with another six weeks to go before the actual IVF phase.

And in that time? I am planning to keep busy around the house.
That should get us to the end of March and I still have plenty of painting and smaller tasks to do to keep me busy before the weather finally starts to break.

I know you guys are dying for photos of the house progress, but I can't stress this enough...

It's going to be a slow process.

Because we have to volley our IVF bills with normal bills and home reno bills, which means I can't max out my credit cards all at once.

I have succumbed to the fact that I won't be debt free any single month this year, and while that reeks havoc on my chi as an accountant, it is what it is.

But! I'll have little snippets here and there on Instagram, if you're following along (@tgendooza).

Check it out and thanks for reading!!

Hot Tub Talks

Do you want me to help or do you just need to vent?...I asked, sitting in the hot tub alongside Mark as it snowed on us.

I had brought as much as I could carry in one trip, barefoot in the snow, arms filled with beers and winter hats. The steam poured out as the lid opened, and we settled in for the next hour.

Every time Mark opens his mouth, I always felt like I had to solve the issue.

Calculate a solution.

This typically lead to continued unnecessary bickering, so I always start my answer with this question.

Because I don't work like that, as soon as I start getting something off my chest, I will tell him up front, that I just need to vent...or I actually have a problem I need help solving (read: talk me off the ledge and tell me to calm the f down already.)

I don't know if I will be a good dad. 
I don't know if I'm cut out for it. You KNOW you'll be a good mom, and you have that instinct. 
You want this...I just don't know if I can do it.

I take a sip of beer.
First off, I don't know anything. I know what I'm feeling and I know I will do my best to keep our child out of harm, but that's about the extent of my parenting skills at this point.

So, I'll still be able to go out on the boat right? Like an overnight away or whatever.

Yes, obviously....just as I have the same right.

I can see the terror in his eyes. It's the same look he had before we got married.
He never had this worldly view of marriage or parenting.
He doesn't see that there are different ways to be married and be happy and raise a child.
It's like a horse with blinders...he only sees and hears what those closest to him do and say.
And unfortunately, people love to talk about their woes more than their joys.
It happened when we were about to get married and it's happening now pre-baby.

For a very, very long time, especially with the marriage thing, he honestly thought I was going to get fat and lock him in the basement.
Because that's what marriage is, right?
A doomsday ticket straight to unhappy-ville.
Population - everyone.

And I would get really offended that he thought of ME that way.
Me....who gets up every morning to hit the gym.
Me....who climbs that dumb corporate ladder to bring home a better paycheck than the last year. Me....who scours the internet for days to figure out our pups ailments, deals with the house when he works days at a time, handles all of our bills and the logistics for the future, and still manages to pull myself together, shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, and look good on his arm.

After being married for five years, I have come to realize he is simply freaked out by major change.
Like, only worse case scenarios and shitty situations.

My gut reaction, when he starts talking about all the shitty parts of a potential change in his life, be it marriage or a baby, is to get pissed and shut him down.
Because what he is saying obviously isn't true, or how it will actually be.

But.....his thoughts and worries are valid.

Just as I can't see past the day to day sometimes in our IVF battle, he, sometimes, sees the bigger picture as a total failure.
One that will inevitably drown us in debt and insomnia and arguments.

Our hot tub talks are always about the future.
They are always about our worries, or our doubts, or what we'd like to accomplish or how we think it'll be.

Inside, there is always some sort of distraction to keep us from really chatting, be it a TV show or the animals or something needs to be unloaded, washed, cleaned, etc....but those hot tubs talks are our therapy.

I don't want him to shut down and not vent his worries to me.
All ladies know it's (mostly) difficult to get our men to open up in the first place, so I most certainly don't want to scare him off.

And honestly, I'm glad he's talking about it.
Even if it is a bunch of worries at this point.
There were many years where we were silently struggling to get pregnant and yet, we never really talked about it as a thing that would actually come to fruition.
It was always just in that moment...living month to month.
Every month started with a glimmer of hope and ended with tears and frustration.

On Valentine's Day, we were getting restless with sitting in the living room, watching Fast and the Furious 7. His idea, not mine.
So we wrapped up the Paul Walker tribute scene and headed outdoors.

These chilly days are limited in activities, and I'm so happy he pushed to have our tub moved from the rental to our forever home.
We may be going even more stir crazy than we already are if not for that thing.

An hour later and a couple inches of snow on our heads and we headed back indoors for chili.
It's just us.
Even if this year gives us nothing more, we still have each other.

Thanks for reading.

Ain't Nuthin But a G Thang Baby

Two things got me through another weekend of waiting
Painting our walls a greige-white called Tahitian Vanilla and jamming out to gangster rap.

Turns out, the Dr. Dre station on I Heart Radio is quite meditative.

Piggy-backing on our recent viewing of Straight Out of Compton, I flipped to this station on a whim over the weekend while continue the renovation of our forever-home.

See, the only way I think I am going to get through this god awful lull is to keep busy.

A lot....A LOT of our walls were originally painted a sort of yellowy-beige color, which obviously matched the yellowy floor tiles and the yellowish carpet.
And that's fine and all....but dudes, it's in a FLAT finish.
Anyone who knows anything about painting knows that the flat finish is for your ceilings only.

Why?

Because it's impossible to clean if the walls get dirty.
Instead of wiping away dog drool or dirt or wine or WHATEVER gets tossed onto our walls from time to time, cleaning just kind of....moves it around.

Super cool.

But painting all those walls (read: ALL the walls on the first floor AND stairway up to the second) is a big job...one I was planning to leave to the professionals.

Until we found out I have 11-ish weekends to twiddle my thumbs.
So I got to work.

Songs like California Love and Straight Outta Compton were blaring through the speakers and I bopped around in my painting clothes. I tore out some existing drapery (that had spiders in it....GROSS) and patched and painted most of the walls on the first floor, up the stairwell, to the landing above....all. weekend. long.
By the end of the weekend I had all the main floor walls painted, finished putting together a gallery wall to hang over the sofa, chose a fun gray-blue beachy color to paint the dining room, ordered some fabulous end tables to use as night-stands for our bedroom, and a square cream-colored rug for the living room.

Over the last couple of weeks, the winter cold started to get the best of me so instead of dragging my ass out of bed to workout, I slept in for a week and a half.
Which was okay, but I didn't feel more refreshed.
I started to run again this week and my mental-state has improved greatly.

So I guess you're also wondering where we are in our PGD journey?

Well, both of our parents got their carrier results back as of this morning and I emailed them off to my contact at Reprogenetics.
She will then ship out saliva kits to both sets of parents and Mark and I will need to schedule a blood draw.
Everyone sends their fresh DNA to their lab and then the PGD set-up can finally begin.
All six weeks of it.

I should also note that we found out my mom and Mark's dad were the positive carriers of MCAD.
Their results don't affect anything but SOMEONE in each family was obviously the carrier.
I was relieved to find out none of them were matches for anything.

My dad also got his preliminary results back and is headed in for a second opinion.
His survival rate is really high right now because they caught it so early.
He mentioned something about seeing a specialist in Colorado because they developed a new technique to localize radiation on the cancer cells.....or something.

So we are back to waiting.
Plus! We are just over a month away from the official start of spring, which seriously could not come faster these days.
Bring on the good weather!

Thanks for reading!

It'll be worth it

I re-read my last post a few dozen times.
The more I read it the more I realized how silly I sound.
I was quite over dramatic about something so insignificant in this whole process.

I guess I am having a hard time processing my dad's news along with trying to make sense of the hand we've been dealt at the same time.

I get frustrated when I have raw emotions in front of Mark.
He sees the cracks in this foundation I have built up around myself and he starts to panic.
Because it was me who turned our sights towards children.
It was me who made him have a different view of our future.
It was me who threw him for a loop.

And not the other way around.

And I know he's scared. And if I'm scared then I know he's even more afraid.

Because I'm the one that supposed to know what to do, right?

I think I've heard, "I hope you know what you're doing" a million times in the last week.

And I'm sick of hearing it.

Because my answer is always the same....."I don't."

I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how we got this far in this journey.
I don't know how we are going to get through the next year.
I don't know how I'll be when I'm pregnant.
I don't know where we will find the extra time it takes to manage another human being in an already stretched-thin 24 hours each day.
I don't know how to deal with another human being in our house of two.
I don't know a lot of the little details.
I don't know.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared to death of the birth.
I'm scared of teenagers.
I'm scared I'll screw up.
I'm scared I won't have the answers.
I'm scared to wear my heart outside my chest.

I love my silly-ass bulldogs so much and I just cry so hard sometimes thinking about my life without them, that I have no idea how I'll NOT be a basket-case all the time with a child.

But each day we have 24 hours.

We have 24 hours to accomplish tasks, eat, drink, and sleep.
We have 24 hours to love each other and nurture our lives and our home.

And I may not know a lot about what the hell we're doing.
But I know what I'm feeling.
It's unexplainable.
This intense feeling I have to raise a child is overwhelming.

So we will move forward.

One day at a time.
And all the anger and frustration and joy and pain and laughter and love that goes with it.
That's the journey.

February is one of the toughest months in the year for me.
There's nothing to do, no where to go and no money right now.
My seasonal depression kicks in and all I want to do is hibernate.
I feel stagnant without a game plan.
But I'll get through it.

This too shall pass.
Happy Friday.
Thanks for reading.

Not What I Expected

This last week put me over the edge.

I have been waiting....patiently waiting.....waiting so damn long for this whole process to start that I worked myself into a tizzy by the end of last week when we finally pulled the trigger.

Every time I feel like this is it, we are finally moving forward....whether it's a new doctor, more answers, insurance lining up, a new job....every time we seem to make one small stride forward, I feel like we are hit with another thing to push that start date back a bit.

Don't get me wrong, it's what we want and what we need for peace of mind.
We need genetic testing.
We need all the set-up that goes along with it.
And even though I know this...I have been so antsy to JUST. GET. GOING.

2015 was so much fun.
I didn't have a care in the world.
Even through a lay-off and job change, life was good.

Life is still good.

But I feel like I just want to get to the end without experiencing the whole journey.
I am getting stressed out that my original plans keep going out the window.

I said it before, I'm Type A.
I want to know our timeline and mark it in my calendar and follow it to a T.
I want to speculate and jot down milestones when I think they are coming.

I cannot stand having to scribble out what I thought was going to be a milestone, and instead is more of another long lag of downtime waiting for the next set-up to be complete.

I was so frustrated with trying to do everything I possibly could to expedite our parents test kits.
I finally got everything delivered Friday.
They were supposed to test and send everything back.

And, of course, there was a little snafu....but man, did it set me off.

All my careful planning, all my details, all my begging, all my research...out the door in a matter of seconds.

And for what?

So we have another couple of days added to our timeline....what does it matter?

But it DID matter to me.
So much so that I launched into a feverish tirade against anyone that even dare tell me to calm down.
NO ONE IS AS INVESTED IN THIS AS ME!!

Long story short...I realized what an ass I made of myself.

No, I had not planned on waiting to start IVF for 11 weeks.
No, I had not planned to be jabbing myself with needles all summer long.
No, I had not expected genetic set-up to take this long.
Not in the slightest.

PGD took my ill-timed plans and not only threw them out the window...but rocket launched them into outer space...never to bee seen again.

Plans....what a crap shoot.

So with this first hiccup, I vowed to stop worrying about the details.
I imagine there will be more to come.

How could there not?
There is coordination between two genetics lab, an IVF facility, and our specialists facility.
That's like at least five sets of hands with who knows how many admins behind the scenes.
And the shipping and receiving and procurement and documentation.

This whole year is not going how I had expected it to.

But I can do one of two things:
1) Totally freak out for the next eight months....ultimately setting myself up for failure
or
2) Try....with what little will-power I have...to just go with the flow.

I just get so fucking angry sometimes that this is the hand we were dealt.
I can't believe we will spending 9-ish months setting up to get pregnant, then (hopefully) finding success, then another 9-ish months finally being pregnant.

It's like being pregnant for 18 fucking months!!
Could you imagine?

If this isn't a test for how much we want this, I don't know what is.

As of today, the lab has received my parents saliva tests, and Mark's parents will arrive tomorrow.
We should know those results in about two weeks.

And my dad?
He gets his biopsy results Thursday.
I am nervously waiting those results as much as I am sure he is.

What a weird fucking year this will be.
Thanks for reading, loves.