Winging it Wednesday: I Started a YouTube Channel

So you guys.....can I tell you something?

Although this may not be shocking to most....I have SO MANY thoughts and opinions and ideas running through my head.

Like...all the time.

And a lot of time I get really inspired and want to tell you all about it, but then I go to write everything down on the blog and I literally cannot type as fast as my brain wants to go, then it gets all jumbled up because I keep skipping over thoughts and none of it makes sense, and then I don't want to fix all my grammatical issues so I just push delete and stew in frustration.

Anyone else? Bueller?

So then I thought....what if I recorded myself?

I found out something interesting at the end of 2017....you guys are sort of obsessed with my face.
And not in like a stalkerish way. (although, that may actually be true, and if it is...please do not reveal yourself so that I don't have nightmares for eternity)

But a lot of the positive feedback, yielding the most responses, is when you guys actually SEE me.

So then I thought...well what the fuck...let's give them what they want then!

I think a Youtube channel may be the way to go.
That way I can give you all the little thoughts and emotions and real, honest opinions, and hell, maybe even ADVICE about life...in a real and raw way...one that isn't necessarily filtered in a blog with a pretty picture slapped on it.

Not that I will halt blogging, I just think that a writing format isn't exactly giving me the platform I need to express how I really am. Which, by the way, translates into I am bat shit crazy...so it may just be entertaining to watch the train wreck unfold?

OH! And you know what else I want to do?
Drag Mark into it, sometimes.
I LOVE him, and he is hilarious on camera. And I think you do too, right? We are both literally insane in our own ways, and I thought it would be awesome to feature us as a duo here and there.

I am really just winging all of this. Waiting to have a fully hashed out plan has never been my forte.
So here we go! Episode One, below! (and yes, I'll work to use "um" less as I get more comfortable)

I Can't Be Killed By Conventional Weapons

Mark mentioned last night that he was feeling extra run down, like he was getting another flu or something.

#jesustakethewheel

I finally (although I never wanted it in the first place) got my first taste of the elusive man-cold every woman on the planet talks about, and the Great Man Flu of 2017 literally just ended a couple weeks ago.

I. Can. Not. Deal. with another go this quickly.

Mark kept asking why it looked like lasers were shooting out of my eyes (a look I perfected while teaching High School Color Guard....you remember, right mama?) and it's because I know what I'm up against and I don't want to go back any time soon....so I ran to the medicine cabinet and threw the containers of Multi-Vitamins and Vitamin C at his face so he could choke down AT LEAST 100 of each.

Then I ever-so-nicely explained to him that he is not exactly a spring chicken anymore and perhaps needs to combat working outdoors in below freezing temps by taking care of himself as if he isn't made of steel. Which is...par for the course...exactly how he has managed the last 39 years of his life.

"I can't be killed by conventional weapons" is what I hear on a daily basis. Not an exaggeration.

Then I replied, perhaps not...but working in literal human shit and then failing to wash your hands the second you leave said shit hole (PUN intended) may be contributing to the ebola virus you seem to get on a monthly basis these days.

In other news, I was required to leave the safe-haven of my warm living room this week and head back into work, forced into the cold, sporting polka-dot mittens while steering this beast of a vehicle I now drive to combat this horrid weather.

PSA: Going from a luxury sedan to a Hum-Vee sure makes you realize that air-ride suspension and consistently working seat heaters is a real treasure in life. #blessed

And because I'm all for well-thought out, planned decisions, I booked us a vacation to Key Largo as soon as possible so we can pretend we don't live in the North-fucking-Pole for a week.

And then I told Mark about it when I got home. He said Hell Yea.

I knew all those points we racked up from IVF would come in handy some day. And that day came in the form of a free-trip as far South as I can get without a passport.

The goal this weekend is likely to stay indoors as much as possible and avoid seeing people so we can continue our efforts to stop un-necessary spending. I have a few to-do items around the house that include re-organizing and purging...my two favorite verbs during winter.

Pray hubby fights off this flu and I don't contract anything in the process.
Amazon sells SARS masks, right?

Thanks for reading. XO

Say Yes and You'll Figure it out Later - From Infertility to Adoption, Please Meet Mary Beth

Saying NO MORE to fertility treatments and closing the door to children sparked this overwhelming need to push different alternatives to the spotlight. I have a voice and I am stubborn as Hell, so why not use those gifts to bring awareness? 

I am a firm believer that the term FAMILY comes in all different shapes and sizes, and I will continue to speak out about those topics that I am passionate about.

That being said, I wanted to introduce you to a dear friend of mine, Mary Beth. I met this fabulous woman and her family about a year ago as they eagerly awaited the arrival of Jude, their fourth adopted baby. She graciously said yes to sharing her story on this blog, and I urge you to read her interview from top to bottom.

So grab some coffee (or a cocktail) and settle in. You're gonna want to read this until the very end.

Without further ado.....Please meet Mary Beth!

Q: I only gather the cream of the crop to add to my tribe of friends. Please share what makes you and your hubby so awesome?!

A: It is an absolute honor to be featured on Forever Orchard. I am a faithful reader, fellow infertile, and have found a lot of comfort in this tribe of women who just understand. Josh and I have been married almost 8 years and have five sweet babies.

Our family is built through adoption.

Adoption has always been a part of our ‘Plan A’. Although, we just assumed it would be a mix of genetics and adoptions. My body has always refused to hold my babies inside (thank you massive fibroid tumors) and along the way, we ran into a young girl who needed a family for her baby and we said YES instantly. The last 6 years has been a series of giant yeses that have built our family and changed my husband and I forever.

Q: Where did you meet? Was it love at first sight? Spill your love story...

A: We met on eHarmony, even though we have lied for YEARS, telling people we met on a blind date. We were matched on March 9, 2009 and started talking via emails and phone calls until we officially went on our first date on March 20th.

I LOVED him instantly.

I had absolutely no chill about that (even though I thought I was trying) so much so that his sister named me bee’s knees because she said I thought he was the bee’s knees. Truth - I still do. He is one of my favorite humans ever and I can’t get enough of him.

On our very first date, I told him that birthing babies was likely not in my future and I asked him grilled him about his views on adoption. He was all in and I adored him for that. I can be an intense person (clearly, if I was casually mentioning my infertility on our first date), but he seemed to be able to roll with it and loved me for it.

We had the most intensely passionate dating relationship. It was an absolute whirlwind and 7 months later he dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him. In true Mary Beth form, I grabbed the ring out of his hand and shoved it on my finger never even acknowledging his question. I wanted to be his wife, end of story. We basically ran to the altar and got married one day before our 1 year dating anniversary on March 19, 2010.  

Q: Did you always want to be a mom? Or did something spark this epiphany?

A: I was the little girl who would snap her bike helmet around her waist and pull her shirt down over it to see what I would look like pregnant. I wanted babies. ALL THE BABIES.

So let the baby making begin! Once we were married I threw all my energy into figuring out how to make my body work. I ordered all the books, interviewed a dozen doctors, and tracked my temperature/ovulation like a pro. At that point, I had about a dozen major surgeries already to remove massive fibroid tumors.

I wanted to be a mom so badly that I literally fantasized about finding a baby on the side of the road.

Every single day that my arms were empty felt like another nail in the coffin of my infertility.  After our first miscarriage, I started seeing an infertility specialist I trusted and just knew would be the answer to our problems.  

Q: Trying to become a mom isn't always easy. Please share some of the hurdles you overcame prior to considering adoption.

A: As mentioned before, I had several surgeries leading up to trying to start a family that led us to believe this would be difficult. Each of my children’s births and adoptions were also marked with more battling to keep my reproductive organs intact while also building my family through adoption.

I would endure a round of IVF and adopt a baby, rinse and repeat...I think I always knew in my heart pregnancy wasn’t going to happen for me, but I had to do everything in my power to say “we tried” and “I can live with myself knowing I did my best.”

But it was absolute bullshit. I hated every minute of IVF and the emotional rollercoaster that it was. I was an angry, sweaty, fatter-by-the-minute, hot mess. I found myself getting more and more frustrated with my life and my people, and I knew it was time to stop.

But, because I am not a quitter, I plowed ahead until my doctor scheduled an appointment with me and had me meet him in his office...but this time was different.  It wasn’t in one of the normal exam or ultrasound rooms. I walked back to his office like it was a death march.

It was.

With tears in his eyes, he told us that we had reached our limit and that he would be considered a bad doctor to keep taking our money with absolutely no hope that any of our perfect little embryos would stick. He was so kind. 

If I’m being perfectly honest, I was relieved. No more needles. No more 6 am appointments. Stick a fork in me, I am DONE. I cried for a straight 24 hours, but it was a mixed bag of grief and relief. 

It was the permission I needed to be done stabbing myself for something I knew in my heart wasn’t meant to be, while at the same time the invitation to freely love my life again and the beautiful babies I already had in my arms. 

I was given permission to unleash a whole new version of ME that I had never really had to give because I was always living in the vortex of trying to conceive.

Within a few months, the bleeding was so severe that I scheduled a hysterectomy and forever closed the door to giving birth. I felt the same sense of grief and relief when I woke up from my 5 hour surgery. The insanity was officially over.

Q: Did you always know you would end up adopting? Please tell us the highs and lows in choosing this path.

A: I have two adopted brothers so I have literally always known this would be a part of my future. I felt urgently that I had to be a part of the solution to children who needed a home and a loving mom. I am so thankful now that God gave me that passion because I am well aware that without it I wouldn’t have ever been a mother.

The road to adoption is so similar to infertility treatments.

So much is out of your control.

You have no idea what will happen. But you also know in your gut that if you can just muster up the courage to see it through, it will be the biggest blessing in your whole life.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it hurts so deeply that I didn’t get to know my children inside of me or feel them moving for the first time. There will always be a sense of loss for me around that even though I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. I missed a lot of firsts with them.  They all came to us as newborns, but there are a lot of firsts adoptive parents just don’t get to experience.

One of the greatest joys to me, though, is that these little ones are exactly who God made for me. I know without a doubt that this was meant to be and that I was always and forever meant to be these children's mother.

That is so incredible that I get chills up and down my spine when I think about it.

Love makes a family and I believe that down to my toes.

Q: Would you please share your biggest joys about each of your children?

A: Hannah is almost 6 and is an absolute delight. She has a silly sense of humor and is smart as a whip. She loves to draw, bake, and play with her siblings. She is gentle, sweet and so caring. She loves ballet and singing along to Hamilton (which she begs me to take her to see every single day).

Eden is 3.5 and is SO. STRONG. WILLED. She is spicy and sassy and SO beautiful, it’s dangerous. She loves playing with dolls and is our little foodie who regularly eats what we are having, instead of the kid food that you would assume she’d want. She loves animals more than humans and can often be found outside in the yard with her puppy, Abbey. She is currently in ballet, but will for sure move on to hip hop as she can shake it like nobody's business.

She is the kind of kid who looks me up and down, head to toe, and says, “I can take you.”

And she can.

Gabriel is our adopted son who passed away at 34 weeks in utero. He was perfect and I cannot believe I don’t have him here with me. I got to hold him and name him and talk to him for about an hour after he was born and he has been with me every single second since then.

He is my gentle feather and I know without a doubt he watches over us and knows how much we loved him and wanted him.

I never imagined after all the loss we suffered, that we would ever bury a child. His life has profoundly changed me and he will always be my boy I cannot wait to meet again.

Jude is 9 months old and he is a total rainbow after the storm. He is easy going, silly and loves to laugh. He loves food and his sisters and crawls around like he owns the place (HE DOES). He is bright eyed, charismatic and he has brought us such immeasurable joy we cannot imagine life without him.

AND  BABY GIRL is coming in January!  

Q: You and Josh are seasoned veterans at this point, eagerly awaiting your 5th earth-side arrival early 2018. Please tell us how this last one came about and did anything throw you for a loop?

A: OH mylanta. The party don’t stop at our house!

A few months ago, Josh and I were having a hypothetical conversation about what we would do if any of our kids’ biological mothers had a baby and asked us to consider adopting a sibling. Anyone who would ask us about our family having more kids would get the standard answer,

“We are done pursuing adoption, but if God dropped a situation in our laps, we would never say no.”

I think we were both secretly hoping that the train didn’t stop at the three living kids we had to hold and love, but we knew we were also a pair of lucky jerks who were living out a dream come true.

We ended the hypothetical conversation by saying, “HELL YEAH we would never say no to that!”

Right along par with our love for the unexpected plot twist, that very situation presented itself the next day.

Jude’s birth mom was expecting and wanted to know if we would consider adopting his biological sister. Duh. Without an extra penny to our names and no real idea of just how we would make this happen, we said yes and have never looked back.

To quote Tina Fey, just “say yes and you’ll figure it out later” which is exactly what we are doing.

Q: Adoption, like fertility treatments, is both mentally and financially draining. How have you coped and how has the community gotten involved?

A: Mentally, we are still a mess. HA!

We are still wrapping our brains around having babies that are 10 months apart. It’s like twins, but one is almost walking….so we are pretty much just getting really comfortable with the idea that we may never sit down for the next 5 years. But we are honestly and truly so profoundly honored that we get to parent another little one, and the joy that I know she will bring our family moves me to tears.

I don’t know that I will ever be able to just pop into Costco again, but who cares?!

I get to have another baby!

Financially, it has been a hit for sure. Adoption is extremely expensive, much like infertility treatments, and there aren’t punch cards for being frequent flyers. Our friends and family have rallied around us in ways I never even imagined, donating to our tax deductible foundation and finding ways to take what they have and turning it into so much more for our family.

It has blown our minds that people are so behind us that they will sacrifice to help bring this little girl home.

Q: As a former infertility warrior, backed by a tribe of like-minded women, how can we help your cause?

A: Bottom line for me, your thoughts and prayers mean more to me than anything. This is one of the biggest tests for me emotionally and physically and I just want to do it with grace. I don’t for one second take it for granted that after all my pain and struggles, I still get the title of MOM and I want to honor that by being the best I can be.

When we were waiting for our Jude after losing Gabriel, I bought a candle at the dollar store to light for Saint Jude. He is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. We had picked out the name forever ago, but something about the way that St. Jude looked on that candle brought me hope and sparked some real joy in me for the first time in a long time. I would light that candle anytime I was feeling discouraged or sad as I waited for my living son. When Jude was born, I felt the pieces of my heart start to mend and I started to feel wholeness again after enduring so much loss.

I know many of you are in the same boat. Our stories don’t share the same details, but they do share the same sentiment. We have worked our asses off for something we never imagined could or should be this hard.

After sharing this with a friend, Etsy shop owner of Leland’s Corner, she created a bracelet in honor of all of our lost causes.

This bracelet is a reminder not to give up on yourself or your dreams.

They matter and sometimes we just need a reminder to keep our eye on the prize as we endure through the pain.

You can buy the St. Jude (oil diffusing) Bracelet and 100% of the sale will go directly to our adoption fund.

Buy a bracelet for yourself or a friend who needs that reminder and know that you are helping baby girl come home as well.

I'm not crying...YOU'RE CRYING.

You guys. Isn't she amazing!?

My bracelet is in the mail and I cannot wait to wear it proudly and witness this new addition to Mary Beth's home in the coming months!!

Thank you, my lovely readers, for continuing to support this blog and share my voice.

And THANK YOU, Mary Beth, for posting such a raw, emotional, and BEAUTIFUL story.

You are loved beyond belief. XO

34

Although there is a minor celestial event occurring this afternoon :) , the REAL news is that today is my birthday!

It's sort of a big deal.

Today I am 34.

Man! Another year down the tubes and another year towards the grave, amiright?

I am totally, totally kidding. Promise.
I have never been one to shy away from sharing my age.
Never been one to not celebrate something special.
I love birthdays and growing older and, hopefully, wiser in the process.

This one did not disappoint, either.
We celebrated by taking our boat down the shore of Lake Michigan to a Bruno Mars concert.
I don't think it gets much cooler than that, really.

33 sure was one for the books.
It was by far the hardest year of my life.
I lost so much.
I said goodbye to two loves of my life; my oldest bulldog and my little baby boy.

But as I healed, I gained a sense of self I hadn't fully realized until I was broken down so far, that I was able to rebuild myself into something better.

We fully ventured into the world of infertility and IVF.
I temporarily became a mom and got to experience a little sliver of pregnancy...something I had longed for, for so many years.

Mark and I had our marriage tested through depression, anxiety, grief, and just about everything else under the sun.
But we are SO happy now.
So much stronger together.
We weathered that damn storm and lived to tell about it.
And we are still crazy about each other (even if we drive each other crazy, daily.)

I treated myself to a grown up vehicle, after shuttling around in a TransAm for the majority of my post-college life.

And most importantly, I learned a lot about myself.
I grew as a woman, as a wife, and as my own person in this world.

I cut out a lot of bullshit.
I streamlined my life and my thoughts.
I put more effort into things that are worth it.
I slowed down a lot to savor all the good that comes with each day, even the boring ones.
I said goodbye to a lot of anxieties.
I stopped multi-tasking (I was never any good at that, anyways, no matter what my resume says)
I stopped striving for the perfect set of gym abs, and instead, put more focus to my spiritual side.
I became more in tune with how I react to the world, and how it makes me feel.

I have been working on myself, each and every day.
Some days are far harder than others, but each day is a gift, and I really truly get that now.

I'm happy to be happy and healthy.
I'm happy to have my wonderful husband by my side.
I'm happy to have a goofy bulldog and a sassy cat to fill up our home.
I'm happy to have a good paycheck and a beautiful home and a capable body to handle and maintain all that we have worked so hard to achieve over the years.

I am so very lucky, indeed.
Cheers to 34 and to many, many more beautiful days!
XO

All I want for Christmas

Well HELLO FRIDAY!!
I'm kicking off the weekend with my uber fabulous friend as we do a double date dinner at her place.
And then it's shopping time, baby!

And since everyone seems to be giving out suggestions for you fine people to buy for other fine people, I thought I'd shake it up by talking about the items that I want people to buy ME.

In the past, I have never even given it a thought. We seem to always be in so much debt by the end of the year that all I ever asked for was cash to pay the bills and buy groceries.
I love buying for other people but I always hated trying to come up with MY list.
I guess it always seemed a tad selfish.
Like, I'm always thinking I'm a successful female...I can buy my own shit.
Anyways.....

But this year I changed my mind set.
See, these things are items that I would never actually buy for myself on a whim because they are just so....luxurious....in my eyes.
These are definitely WANTS. Not NEEDS.

Without further ado...if you are looking to buy me a present this year...here is my list.
Thanks in advance. :)


DIY Gel Nail Manicures
I swear I like the look of polished nails. I really do. However, I hardly ever actually polish my nails because they are guaranteed to chip within 24 hours. Also? I can't stand going to a salon. Such a waste of time, in my opinion. I am fully qualified to do my own, I just can't stand the thought of spending all that time perfecting my polish, and trying to be patient and let them dry, only to ruin them by doing normal life stuff.
Enter gel nails and the little light boxes that dry them (almost) instantly.
I have a feeling this will be a life changer.
I'd really like this little light because it says it sets each coat within 30 seconds. THIRTY. SECONDS.
The polish? Luckily my mom works at a salon, so I'm sure I'll have a sweet hook-up.


Lifting Gloves
How CUTE are those black and white polka dot lifting gloves? As a person that hits the gym 4x a week, I try to save my hands from awful calluses as much as possible. It's not exactly sexy to shake someone's hand and yours be rougher than his. Size small....obviously.

Fuzzy (yet durable) slippers!
I am in dire need of slippers. I know, I know...it's kind of old lady like...but dudes, I can't tell you how many times I need to run outside quickly and wish I was just already wearing a warm pair of shoes...that aren't shoes...ya dig? These LL Bean ones in the Natural color (size 8) seem perfect for cozying up by the fire and also running around outside to grab the mail or pull the dogs off each other.

Bath Bombs (bath bomb....you're a bath bomb!)
I do love me a nice soak in the winter time. And it's even better if it's doing double duty in the process. Enter bath bombs. I seriously love these things but I hardly ever buy them for myself! Mostly because at $4-$7 a pop...it's a splurge in my mind. But alas, the Christmas one or vanilla butter one seems just fabulous!

Rose Face Mask
So a few years ago, I received a sample of this mask from Sephora in the mail. I typically do a thicker face mask once or twice a month, but this one was was so much lighter and refreshing! I feel like I could use it more often, say 2-3 times a week...especially in winter!

Chase brand Elderflower Liqueur
And of course, you can't skip over the liquor. St. Germain is all the rave with their version of the same liqueur, but Chase does it for less money and I personally think the bottle is so much prettier!
I mix this with champagne, add it to a gin and tonic, or just drink it straight! It is SO. GOOD!

So that is my list this year. What's on yours?

Oh! And while we are on the subject of gifts, take a little sneak peek at the GIVEAWAY to begin ON INSTAGRAM (@tgendooza) this Sunday! So damn adorable, right? I'll be giving away these gifts just in time to #treatyoself for Christmas! All hand picked from Homegoods from yours truly.

The giveaway will be on Instagram starting at 7pm CST so mark your calendars and good luck!!
Happy Friday and Happy WEEKEND!

Friday Favorites and a GIVEAWAY

Ok now.
I'm on the up and up, thanks to my stubborn tendencies and some bitchin' meds.
And for that? Let's do a little round up regarding my browsing history and details about the GIVEAWAY!

First up?

Friday the 13th
One of the luckiest days for myself, my husband, our family, life in general. We closed our new home on this day. Things tend to go our way on this day and you lucky fucking people get to partake in a giveaway with some super cool shit on this day!

The weather.
Can I just get a quick AMEN for the fact that Chicago made it to November 11th with summer-esque weather? Granted, it all went to hell in a handbag literally overnight, but we made it now didn't we?

Mugs.
Not your pretty little face ma'am. I'm talking the ones I drink out of. Travel mugs, home mugs, all mugs.
I have an obsession with finding a new champagne or gold colored travel mug that doesn't leak. Any suggestions based on experience? I keep eyeing the ones from Starbucks but the reviews are mixed.

Anal Glands.
Clearly not a "favorite" but if you have bulldogs, you get it. My browsing history at work is filled with phrases such as "natural remedies for anal gland infections in dogs" "anal gland problems in dogs", etc, etc.
I make sure to include the words in dogs so as not to get the side eye from the bosses. #winning

Unique, hilarious people
I'd like to think I am bit quirky and a tad hilarious from time to time, and I like to surround myself with the same type of folk. Those who don't take life TOO seriously, can definitely laugh at an inappropriate joke and have an interesting background. I do love my some basic white girl stuff too, but a bit of depth is a breathe of fresh air, ya dig?

And because of those unique, hilarious people that light up my personal life and my social media life, I wanted to say thanks. Thank you for reading! Thank you for following along! I'd like to gather more of you, if that's okay. Expand this little corner of the internets a bit by giving away some super cute finds from Homegoods.

This little care package comes just in the nick of time for all the party planning you just know you're about to partake in! Between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, there are endless parties to attend and to host! And what better way to throw a party than with a few additional cute items for your home!

This gift set includes hand picked items I selected just for you.

When you open up that bottle of red, make sure it is adorned with a bedazzled skull wine stopper!
Your bottle of champagne will perch perfectly next to the framed "Pop Fizz Clink" print on your fancy little bar cart. Or counter top. Or nightstand. No judgement here.
Your classy guests can set their classy drinks on your classy fucking Gatsby-inspired coasters!
And finally, a white (dishwasher friendly) mug with the perfect little slogan for a morning pep talk after a long, drunken night!
Feel free to switch up your morning coffee for some Jasmine Green Tea should you feel so inclined.

All for you! Ready to ship out Monday with the winning announcement!

Here is how you enter:

Hop on Instagram and find me: @tgendooza

1. Follow me and Like the IG photo
2. Tag a friend in the comments and tell me your Party Plans for the Holidays!

Complete these two steps and you're in!

Contest runs now through Sunday, November 15th @ 7pm CST.
Winner will be chosen at random and announced Monday.

Best of luck fancy ladies and have a FABULOUS weekend!

32

It has taken me a while to come to terms with the emotions I have been dealing with for a week or so. At first, I chalked it up to a little PMS followed by.....more PMS? Unusual, yes, but I figured, hey women's hormones be crazy, let's just go with it.
But then that pit kind of never went away.
And since I am fully aware of what depression looks like as it runs rampant in parts of my family, I started to get a little worried.
Like, I was there, in the moment, with nothing truly bad on the horizon, but I couldn't smile or laugh or make a real facial expression. It was just a bunch of blank stares as I sat and tried to figure out what was going on in my brain.
I was sad. I would cry uncontrollably at a moment's notice.
I didn't even really need anything to set me off.

I would go to work and play the role of Captain Awesome, putting on the usual show, then rush home to....sit.

And then I thought, well maybe it's because summer seems to be on its way out? And I'm sad there aren't many pool days left and all that jazz.
But really, due to our pool heater, we still have AT LEAST a month left, regardless of the weather.
And this next month brings a ton of fun things: concerts, parties, birthdays, MY BIRTHDAY...hello!

I should be happy! I should be shouting it from the rooftops!
I MADE ANOTHER REVOLUTION AROUND THE SUN!

And Friday morning rolled around. The day I turned 32.
And I sat and had my coffee on the front porch and watched the dogs sniff things and chase phantom animals and waited for a lovely court date that had been scheduled on. my. birthday.
Awesome.
And even though I was reprimanded by a judge for doing something that was an honest mistake, and getting my sentence reduced to a minor traffic violation, and paying the government my hard earned money from a well paying job that very few other people in that court room had, even THAT didn't bring me down.

And yet, I was sad.
I got out of court and teared up.
Life's not FAIR! Boo hoo to me, damnit!

Mark came home early from work to spend time with me. I asked him to get me a card for my birthday. Not for the mushy, rhymie garbage that the card actually says, but for the words that he writes to me to sum up the last year. How awesome we are together. How lucky we are to be living this life.

And when he got home and immediately started mowing the lawn, I lost it.
Instead of owning up to the REAL reason I was sad, I lost my ever-loving shit on him in a frantic, spitting, yelling escapade.

All I wanted was a card! A card, Mark! And you couldn't even do that for me! Instead, it's always YOUR AGENDA and YOUR concerts AND YOUR BOATS and YOUR LIFE and I NEVER GET WHAT I NEED.

And then the waterworks started....all of them.

I thought my life would be different at 32. I thought we would be headed in a different direction! 32 is the perfect age for kids, says all the statistics, yet, here we are, with a handful of terrifying, uphill battle cards, and no kids. I have no brood. My nurseries are empty. We have no family. No us. No nothing. Just a pile of medical appointments in the future that doesn't even guarantee anything.

And Mark stopped, and looked at me, and hugged me so tightly I thought I might pass out. But I let him. I let him hold me for such a long time that I didn't care if I passed out. Because he was with me. He could help carry me in this time of weakness.

I understand. I know. This is not what either of us expected. And I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. I really am. And I swear I didn't forget your card. I swear. I wanted to get the house and pool looking nice for you, then we could have the afternoon to do all things birthday.
I promise, I didn't forget.

My head dropped. I started apologizing. For acting like such a fool and getting caught up in my thoughts. I felt tired and mentally exhausted from the last week.
I opted to take a nap while he went about his agenda.
It was everything I needed.

I woke up and washed my face, renewed with hope and energy.
The thing is, I know there is a reason why we are still kid-less. There are so many logical reasons that I am shocked I am still putting up this fight with not having them. For medical and personal reasons, it just hasn't been our time yet. And I know that and yet these episodes still happen.

And I'm not sad in the slightest that I am turning a year older. I have never been one to hide my age or turn down a celebration. I love my life and I love everything that we have worked for.
I am grateful for everything I have been through, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I am so happy to have two ridiculous goofball dogs around that keep me on my toes and (literally) shower me with sloppy kisses whenever I want them.

I am so happy to have a home large enough to expand our family when it's our time, and a capable and loving husband to have my back and work as a team as we go along in life.

The rest of the afternoon was an agenda fit for me.
We sipped champagne poolside.

I took a bath and plucked my eyebrows.
We may have fooled around a little.
We had an epic dinner in a quiet corner of a fabulous restaurant.
We laughed and talked and celebrated another day together.
We drove home among the stars, top down, wind flying through our hair, stomachs and hearts full.

This is 32.

And I wouldn't change it for a thing.

Hump Day Photo Dump

Happy Hump Day!
In true chaotic form, I am continuing my "fly by the seat of my pants" attitude by winging this post.

I went grocery shopping Monday morning to make up for my complete lack of preparedness and in doing so, forgot two major items for meal prep: eggs and rice.
Fast forward to Monday afternoon and Mark and I were back in the grocery store (yes, I went twice in one day) to buy dinner items and the rogue pieces I forgot.

Then we get to this morning. My day off from the gym.
Man did I need it. My triceps, abs, and hamstrings are just screaming at me.
It was a slow start to say the least.
Anyways, since I only had enough eggs to make for three days worth of breakfast, I thought, "Self, let's make those last two days this morning and be done with it!"
So I did.
And then walked out of my house and left them cooling on my counter.
Oops.

But I did get my toes painted finally so I don't look like trash.
So there's that.

And, since it's only been two weeks since I've been home from vacation, here are some photos from the last few weeks.

me and someone's baby...always

me and my mama...night out in Nashville

Fun fact: both of the little gold chain straps of that cute blue tank snapped at some point in the night.
Luckily not at the same time. That is why it's ALWAYS a good idea to keep a tiny pair of pliers in your purse.
But you have to remember to bring the correct purse, which I didn't.
So we improvised and used safety pins.
#classy

thrilled...per usual

my sexy husband

You can't watch a boat parade without the proper head gear

blurry boat parade

So there you have it.
Next week is my birthday.
I'll be sure to check back with plans for that shit show, plus what the rest of our summer weekends have in store!
Make a good one and thanks for reading!

Weekend whirlwind

Happy Monday loves.
The sun is shining. The weather is set to be in the 80's and we get another day of summer.
Even though I'm stuck in the office for 90% of it, I plan to sneak out a few times for a quick lap around the building.

So let's talk about the weekend.
They are just crazy, right?
But like....in the best way.

Summer weekends are FAR different from fall and winter weekends.
Our days are filled to the brim with activities and events that keep us outdoors as much as possible.

This weekend, we were lucky to enough to accomplish a lot and still have tons of fun in the process.
First, we finally sold our pontoon.

We said goodbye to our old Gravy Boat knowing it would go to another boat-life family.
Mark built it from the ground up. It was a labor of love and I couldn't be more proud. But it's time.
This is what it looked like when we first bought it. And also, my fat baby Burn when he was 9 weeks old!

We are using the money made from it to go towards a family-friendly car, so I was happy to let it pass.
We had some great times putting along the river, but the future will be filled with babies and more boats, I promise.

Second? I was able to sell off my extra Kid Rock tickets.
Man, let me tell you. When we bought this first pair of tickets, I made the mistake of revisiting the concert venue only to realize there were BETTER seats (aisle!) listed right after I paid for our own.
So I entered the world of trying to sell tickets online. Stub Hub was first, but their ticket fees were so high I had to jack up the price nearly DOUBLE just to break even!
I ended up listing my tickets on Craigslist and within five days they were paid for and out of my hands.
And I didn't get killed in the process! :) Win win all around.

Third, even though the ENTIRE weekend was cloudy, we cranked up the pool heater and kept the party atmosphere going. Friends showing up for a good time was on repeat, (and friends that bring DINNER are my favorite!) and Sunday I dealt with quite a hangover to prove my point.
Although, to be honest, I think it was because I took two Zyrtec pills vs. the standard one. Those things knock me out so I always take them at bedtime. I woke up in the middle of the night WIDE AWAKE so could only assume I forgot to take it. Oops.
I was a zombie until noon.
No Bueno.
I am sure the guy that came to pay for his Kid Rock tickets wouldn't have wanted to mess with me anyways, as I sat on my porch in tattered shorts and a mug of coffee, smiling at him with frazzled hair and bags under my eyes. Sexy.

But dudes, I keep forgetting how unorganized summer weekends are!
The LAST thing I want to do on a beautiful weekend is grocery shop or meal prep.
If I do make it to a grocery store on the weekends, it's usually for booze and snacks. My brain just can't function with prep and boring dinners and all that jazz. I am literally only thinking about rushing home to skim the pool and water the flowers.

I have realized my meal prep is falling to Monday mornings, which is fine, but nuts.
It's not realistic but I refuse to eat fast food or whatever is convenient.
That gets expensive and is how you get fat. We have been stopping by grocery stores here and there throughout the week days instead of one bulk trip on the weekends. Again, not my favorite, but I will do anything to salvage these last few summer weekends.

The three key "pamper" items I like to knock out each weekend are plucking my eyebrows, shaving my knees (don't ask, I'm usually rushed on weekdays and the thought of nicking my knee with the razor makes me squeamish) and buffing/changing my toe nail polish.
As simple as those three things are, half of the time I forget to paint my toenails before Monday rolls around. And we all know that doing it right before bed leaves sheets imprints in your polish.

I am like a hot mess summer express, flying by the seat of my pants.
I am starting to crave a little more structure just to make sure I don't forget things all the time!!

Is this how your weekends go?! Or is it just a Party of One over here?
Thanks for reading!!