32

It has taken me a while to come to terms with the emotions I have been dealing with for a week or so. At first, I chalked it up to a little PMS followed by.....more PMS? Unusual, yes, but I figured, hey women's hormones be crazy, let's just go with it.
But then that pit kind of never went away.
And since I am fully aware of what depression looks like as it runs rampant in parts of my family, I started to get a little worried.
Like, I was there, in the moment, with nothing truly bad on the horizon, but I couldn't smile or laugh or make a real facial expression. It was just a bunch of blank stares as I sat and tried to figure out what was going on in my brain.
I was sad. I would cry uncontrollably at a moment's notice.
I didn't even really need anything to set me off.

I would go to work and play the role of Captain Awesome, putting on the usual show, then rush home to....sit.

And then I thought, well maybe it's because summer seems to be on its way out? And I'm sad there aren't many pool days left and all that jazz.
But really, due to our pool heater, we still have AT LEAST a month left, regardless of the weather.
And this next month brings a ton of fun things: concerts, parties, birthdays, MY BIRTHDAY...hello!

I should be happy! I should be shouting it from the rooftops!
I MADE ANOTHER REVOLUTION AROUND THE SUN!

And Friday morning rolled around. The day I turned 32.
And I sat and had my coffee on the front porch and watched the dogs sniff things and chase phantom animals and waited for a lovely court date that had been scheduled on. my. birthday.
Awesome.
And even though I was reprimanded by a judge for doing something that was an honest mistake, and getting my sentence reduced to a minor traffic violation, and paying the government my hard earned money from a well paying job that very few other people in that court room had, even THAT didn't bring me down.

And yet, I was sad.
I got out of court and teared up.
Life's not FAIR! Boo hoo to me, damnit!

Mark came home early from work to spend time with me. I asked him to get me a card for my birthday. Not for the mushy, rhymie garbage that the card actually says, but for the words that he writes to me to sum up the last year. How awesome we are together. How lucky we are to be living this life.

And when he got home and immediately started mowing the lawn, I lost it.
Instead of owning up to the REAL reason I was sad, I lost my ever-loving shit on him in a frantic, spitting, yelling escapade.

All I wanted was a card! A card, Mark! And you couldn't even do that for me! Instead, it's always YOUR AGENDA and YOUR concerts AND YOUR BOATS and YOUR LIFE and I NEVER GET WHAT I NEED.

And then the waterworks started....all of them.

I thought my life would be different at 32. I thought we would be headed in a different direction! 32 is the perfect age for kids, says all the statistics, yet, here we are, with a handful of terrifying, uphill battle cards, and no kids. I have no brood. My nurseries are empty. We have no family. No us. No nothing. Just a pile of medical appointments in the future that doesn't even guarantee anything.

And Mark stopped, and looked at me, and hugged me so tightly I thought I might pass out. But I let him. I let him hold me for such a long time that I didn't care if I passed out. Because he was with me. He could help carry me in this time of weakness.

I understand. I know. This is not what either of us expected. And I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. I really am. And I swear I didn't forget your card. I swear. I wanted to get the house and pool looking nice for you, then we could have the afternoon to do all things birthday.
I promise, I didn't forget.

My head dropped. I started apologizing. For acting like such a fool and getting caught up in my thoughts. I felt tired and mentally exhausted from the last week.
I opted to take a nap while he went about his agenda.
It was everything I needed.

I woke up and washed my face, renewed with hope and energy.
The thing is, I know there is a reason why we are still kid-less. There are so many logical reasons that I am shocked I am still putting up this fight with not having them. For medical and personal reasons, it just hasn't been our time yet. And I know that and yet these episodes still happen.

And I'm not sad in the slightest that I am turning a year older. I have never been one to hide my age or turn down a celebration. I love my life and I love everything that we have worked for.
I am grateful for everything I have been through, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I am so happy to have two ridiculous goofball dogs around that keep me on my toes and (literally) shower me with sloppy kisses whenever I want them.

I am so happy to have a home large enough to expand our family when it's our time, and a capable and loving husband to have my back and work as a team as we go along in life.

The rest of the afternoon was an agenda fit for me.
We sipped champagne poolside.

I took a bath and plucked my eyebrows.
We may have fooled around a little.
We had an epic dinner in a quiet corner of a fabulous restaurant.
We laughed and talked and celebrated another day together.
We drove home among the stars, top down, wind flying through our hair, stomachs and hearts full.

This is 32.

And I wouldn't change it for a thing.