My Purpose This Season

Mark spent four solid days sick in bed with the flu, following my company Holiday party.

In between the events we had planned, I did my best to pick up his end of the duties and keep him comforted.

I know most women are like....AWWW GEEZ ANOTHER MAN-COLD?

But Mark seriously never gets sick. And if he ever does, he never bothers me while he's recovering. He just keeps chugging along like it's not happening. So I knew he was really bad this time.

My to-do list was being checked off, but Friday held a lot of prep for the weekend. Although we didn't host our family Christmas party this year, I still had guests arriving and food to make and gifts to wrap.

For exactly three solid hours Friday evening, I set up a gift-wrapping station in my sitting room, turned on some Christmas tunes, and set out to wrap every last gift, scrub down the bathroom and add the final touches to our guest room to give my cousin's a welcome and cozy retreat.

Although I may have joked about worrying less about how the presents are wrapped, I truly love how they look, with fresh bows and crisp corners, if only I could display them somewhere that I could see them.

This year was different.

Without our beloved Crash scampering around the house, getting into everything, I took a chance and filled the baskets around our Christmas tree with presents. Gift after glorious gift, piled high for display. And Burn could have cared less.

Success!

Even though I was tired, I was ecstatic to see this view. 

A view filled with magic and joy at the anticipation of family opening each gift in the coming weeks.

Yes, I may have over-done it in the gift-giving department this year.
Perhaps it was a bit of retail therapy as I'm not buying gifts for my own baby, but seeing those presents under the tree, and knowing how much thought I put into each of them, was everything I had hoped to see for years.

Mark tossed and turned all night Friday and I woke earlier than expected from broken sleep.

I wanted to prepare an easy pecan-cinnamon role casserole for Sunday morning, so got to work.
After the ingredients were piled high, I finished moving fresh towels to the guest room, and filled a cup of coffee for myself. Seriously, how festive is this MUG?!

Shortly after, my cousin and her beautiful family arrived.
Burn was introduced to his first baby, and although clearly over-excited, was easily managed.

We all got dressed and headed off to our family Christmas party where we ate and drank and laughed the night away. I swear, my cousin and I could be sisters, don'cha think?

The night, however, was bittersweet.

I was thrilled to see my parents doing well.

My dad has been on the up and up, and it's a nice change of pace from the hectic, worrisome months prior.

And my mom.
Gosh.
She met our six month old niece for the first time, and as I watched her holding that tiny baby, tears welled up in my eyes, knowing I am unable to provide her with grandchildren.

It stung a bit, remembering all the sacrifice and hope and loss we went through, to try and conceive ourselves, and in the end, we are left living vicariously through other family's as they grow their own.

I didn't know I could love another person's child with every ounce of my being, while at the same time equally sad for myself.

Luckily, the sad emotions were fleeting, likely enhanced by the wine.

Our weekend wrapped up Sunday morning, and I was left to tend to Mark and carry on with my own life.

I was driving home from Orangetheory Sunday afternoon and while completely exhausted, soaked to the bone with sweat after an intense workout...I couldn't help but feel this wave of gratitude wash over me.

I am so lucky to have a husband that needs me to take care of him sometimes.
I am so lucky to have a warm house and an abundance of food and bedding to dole out to guests as needed.
I am so lucky to have the income to buy meaningful gifts for our family. Watching the kid's eyes light up when they open our gifts is the best gift I will ever receive in return.

I know this next week will be trying for my spirit as we watched our baby slip through our fingers last year, but I know in my heart I am exactly where I need to be, and exactly what I need to be for others.

My purpose this season is to bring joy and light and serve loved ones when I can, when they need me the most.

This is my last blog post for 2017, although you will likely find me on Instagram, if you'd like to follow the fun!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! XO

How I Use Essential Oils

Ever since my prior pregnancy, I have been dabbling here and there with essential oils, and it is always more apparent in the winter time when I spend more time indoors.

I don't necessarily buy into all their magic, but I find it fun and soothing to incorporate them into my daily life.

Here is how I am currently using them:

1. On My Skin

As part of my quest to eliminate a lot of nasty chemicals that are slathered on me each day, I found Everyone Lotion. They combine essential oils to create beautiful scents without things like parabens. EO used to be sold at Target, but I haven't seen it stocked in recent months. These days I buy the large 32 oz. bottle every few weeks from Amazon (yes, I go through it that quickly).

My current favorite is the Lavender + Aloe scent.
When it's warmer I go with Coconut + Lemon.

It's light and totally moisturizing, even for these disgustingly cold days.
As a former slave to Jergen's Cherry Almond lotion, this is a welcome alternative.

2. For Sleep

I had the worst stuffy nose when I was in my first trimester last year. From a suggestion from a fellow infertility warrior, I purchased a cute diffuser and a trial set of oils from Amazon.

I really had no idea what I was doing, but the set came with some helpful combos for different ailments.

These days, to help me sleep (especially during full moons and daylight savings) I add a few drops of Lavender, Peppermint, and Pine Needles or Eucalyptus to the diffuser and leave it on all night.

I swear I fall asleep so much easier when it's on!

3. On My Wrist

I didn't know essential oil diffusing bracelets were a thing until recently.

I love this raw wood bracelet from Leland's corner for two reasons. I can diffuse great smells that are way better than perfume, PLUS, all current bracelets in her Etsy shop go towards my good-friend's adoption fund.

Giving good AND Self-Care?..It's a win-win in my book.

4. As a DIY Sugar Scrub for Self-Care

Anyone who knows me knows I love my baths.
I found a super quick tutorial on how to make my own sugar scrub a while back and make a batch every so often when the mood strikes.

It's super easy to make!

For one batch combine the following in a air-tight glass jar.

1 cup sugar
1/4 cup coconut oil (microwaved for 30 seconds to soften. I get mine from Trader Joe's)
5 drops Lavender (Lavender is really having a moment with me, isn't it?)
5 drops Rosemary

Stir until fluffy and combined.

Fill your mason jar.

To Use: sprinkle into bath or spoon out and rub into skin during a shower!
just be sure not to get water into the jar. it hardens pretty quickly that way. live and learn. YOLO

5. As an Alternative to Candles

While I am pretty much obsessed with B&B 3-wick candles for the holidays...sometimes I like something...lighter.

I'll drag my diffuser downstairs (I really should just buy another one), add some drops of Tea Tree and Eucalyptus and pretend I'm on Fixer Upper.

For something more festive, Orange, Peppermint and good ole' Lavender are divine smelling!

See? Nothing crazy!
Do you use Essential Oils?! Share your tips!

Thanks for reading! XO

Say Yes and You'll Figure it out Later - From Infertility to Adoption, Please Meet Mary Beth

Saying NO MORE to fertility treatments and closing the door to children sparked this overwhelming need to push different alternatives to the spotlight. I have a voice and I am stubborn as Hell, so why not use those gifts to bring awareness? 

I am a firm believer that the term FAMILY comes in all different shapes and sizes, and I will continue to speak out about those topics that I am passionate about.

That being said, I wanted to introduce you to a dear friend of mine, Mary Beth. I met this fabulous woman and her family about a year ago as they eagerly awaited the arrival of Jude, their fourth adopted baby. She graciously said yes to sharing her story on this blog, and I urge you to read her interview from top to bottom.

So grab some coffee (or a cocktail) and settle in. You're gonna want to read this until the very end.

Without further ado.....Please meet Mary Beth!

Q: I only gather the cream of the crop to add to my tribe of friends. Please share what makes you and your hubby so awesome?!

A: It is an absolute honor to be featured on Forever Orchard. I am a faithful reader, fellow infertile, and have found a lot of comfort in this tribe of women who just understand. Josh and I have been married almost 8 years and have five sweet babies.

Our family is built through adoption.

Adoption has always been a part of our ‘Plan A’. Although, we just assumed it would be a mix of genetics and adoptions. My body has always refused to hold my babies inside (thank you massive fibroid tumors) and along the way, we ran into a young girl who needed a family for her baby and we said YES instantly. The last 6 years has been a series of giant yeses that have built our family and changed my husband and I forever.

Q: Where did you meet? Was it love at first sight? Spill your love story...

A: We met on eHarmony, even though we have lied for YEARS, telling people we met on a blind date. We were matched on March 9, 2009 and started talking via emails and phone calls until we officially went on our first date on March 20th.

I LOVED him instantly.

I had absolutely no chill about that (even though I thought I was trying) so much so that his sister named me bee’s knees because she said I thought he was the bee’s knees. Truth - I still do. He is one of my favorite humans ever and I can’t get enough of him.

On our very first date, I told him that birthing babies was likely not in my future and I asked him grilled him about his views on adoption. He was all in and I adored him for that. I can be an intense person (clearly, if I was casually mentioning my infertility on our first date), but he seemed to be able to roll with it and loved me for it.

We had the most intensely passionate dating relationship. It was an absolute whirlwind and 7 months later he dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him. In true Mary Beth form, I grabbed the ring out of his hand and shoved it on my finger never even acknowledging his question. I wanted to be his wife, end of story. We basically ran to the altar and got married one day before our 1 year dating anniversary on March 19, 2010.  

Q: Did you always want to be a mom? Or did something spark this epiphany?

A: I was the little girl who would snap her bike helmet around her waist and pull her shirt down over it to see what I would look like pregnant. I wanted babies. ALL THE BABIES.

So let the baby making begin! Once we were married I threw all my energy into figuring out how to make my body work. I ordered all the books, interviewed a dozen doctors, and tracked my temperature/ovulation like a pro. At that point, I had about a dozen major surgeries already to remove massive fibroid tumors.

I wanted to be a mom so badly that I literally fantasized about finding a baby on the side of the road.

Every single day that my arms were empty felt like another nail in the coffin of my infertility.  After our first miscarriage, I started seeing an infertility specialist I trusted and just knew would be the answer to our problems.  

Q: Trying to become a mom isn't always easy. Please share some of the hurdles you overcame prior to considering adoption.

A: As mentioned before, I had several surgeries leading up to trying to start a family that led us to believe this would be difficult. Each of my children’s births and adoptions were also marked with more battling to keep my reproductive organs intact while also building my family through adoption.

I would endure a round of IVF and adopt a baby, rinse and repeat...I think I always knew in my heart pregnancy wasn’t going to happen for me, but I had to do everything in my power to say “we tried” and “I can live with myself knowing I did my best.”

But it was absolute bullshit. I hated every minute of IVF and the emotional rollercoaster that it was. I was an angry, sweaty, fatter-by-the-minute, hot mess. I found myself getting more and more frustrated with my life and my people, and I knew it was time to stop.

But, because I am not a quitter, I plowed ahead until my doctor scheduled an appointment with me and had me meet him in his office...but this time was different.  It wasn’t in one of the normal exam or ultrasound rooms. I walked back to his office like it was a death march.

It was.

With tears in his eyes, he told us that we had reached our limit and that he would be considered a bad doctor to keep taking our money with absolutely no hope that any of our perfect little embryos would stick. He was so kind. 

If I’m being perfectly honest, I was relieved. No more needles. No more 6 am appointments. Stick a fork in me, I am DONE. I cried for a straight 24 hours, but it was a mixed bag of grief and relief. 

It was the permission I needed to be done stabbing myself for something I knew in my heart wasn’t meant to be, while at the same time the invitation to freely love my life again and the beautiful babies I already had in my arms. 

I was given permission to unleash a whole new version of ME that I had never really had to give because I was always living in the vortex of trying to conceive.

Within a few months, the bleeding was so severe that I scheduled a hysterectomy and forever closed the door to giving birth. I felt the same sense of grief and relief when I woke up from my 5 hour surgery. The insanity was officially over.

Q: Did you always know you would end up adopting? Please tell us the highs and lows in choosing this path.

A: I have two adopted brothers so I have literally always known this would be a part of my future. I felt urgently that I had to be a part of the solution to children who needed a home and a loving mom. I am so thankful now that God gave me that passion because I am well aware that without it I wouldn’t have ever been a mother.

The road to adoption is so similar to infertility treatments.

So much is out of your control.

You have no idea what will happen. But you also know in your gut that if you can just muster up the courage to see it through, it will be the biggest blessing in your whole life.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it hurts so deeply that I didn’t get to know my children inside of me or feel them moving for the first time. There will always be a sense of loss for me around that even though I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. I missed a lot of firsts with them.  They all came to us as newborns, but there are a lot of firsts adoptive parents just don’t get to experience.

One of the greatest joys to me, though, is that these little ones are exactly who God made for me. I know without a doubt that this was meant to be and that I was always and forever meant to be these children's mother.

That is so incredible that I get chills up and down my spine when I think about it.

Love makes a family and I believe that down to my toes.

Q: Would you please share your biggest joys about each of your children?

A: Hannah is almost 6 and is an absolute delight. She has a silly sense of humor and is smart as a whip. She loves to draw, bake, and play with her siblings. She is gentle, sweet and so caring. She loves ballet and singing along to Hamilton (which she begs me to take her to see every single day).

Eden is 3.5 and is SO. STRONG. WILLED. She is spicy and sassy and SO beautiful, it’s dangerous. She loves playing with dolls and is our little foodie who regularly eats what we are having, instead of the kid food that you would assume she’d want. She loves animals more than humans and can often be found outside in the yard with her puppy, Abbey. She is currently in ballet, but will for sure move on to hip hop as she can shake it like nobody's business.

She is the kind of kid who looks me up and down, head to toe, and says, “I can take you.”

And she can.

Gabriel is our adopted son who passed away at 34 weeks in utero. He was perfect and I cannot believe I don’t have him here with me. I got to hold him and name him and talk to him for about an hour after he was born and he has been with me every single second since then.

He is my gentle feather and I know without a doubt he watches over us and knows how much we loved him and wanted him.

I never imagined after all the loss we suffered, that we would ever bury a child. His life has profoundly changed me and he will always be my boy I cannot wait to meet again.

Jude is 9 months old and he is a total rainbow after the storm. He is easy going, silly and loves to laugh. He loves food and his sisters and crawls around like he owns the place (HE DOES). He is bright eyed, charismatic and he has brought us such immeasurable joy we cannot imagine life without him.

AND  BABY GIRL is coming in January!  

Q: You and Josh are seasoned veterans at this point, eagerly awaiting your 5th earth-side arrival early 2018. Please tell us how this last one came about and did anything throw you for a loop?

A: OH mylanta. The party don’t stop at our house!

A few months ago, Josh and I were having a hypothetical conversation about what we would do if any of our kids’ biological mothers had a baby and asked us to consider adopting a sibling. Anyone who would ask us about our family having more kids would get the standard answer,

“We are done pursuing adoption, but if God dropped a situation in our laps, we would never say no.”

I think we were both secretly hoping that the train didn’t stop at the three living kids we had to hold and love, but we knew we were also a pair of lucky jerks who were living out a dream come true.

We ended the hypothetical conversation by saying, “HELL YEAH we would never say no to that!”

Right along par with our love for the unexpected plot twist, that very situation presented itself the next day.

Jude’s birth mom was expecting and wanted to know if we would consider adopting his biological sister. Duh. Without an extra penny to our names and no real idea of just how we would make this happen, we said yes and have never looked back.

To quote Tina Fey, just “say yes and you’ll figure it out later” which is exactly what we are doing.

Q: Adoption, like fertility treatments, is both mentally and financially draining. How have you coped and how has the community gotten involved?

A: Mentally, we are still a mess. HA!

We are still wrapping our brains around having babies that are 10 months apart. It’s like twins, but one is almost walking….so we are pretty much just getting really comfortable with the idea that we may never sit down for the next 5 years. But we are honestly and truly so profoundly honored that we get to parent another little one, and the joy that I know she will bring our family moves me to tears.

I don’t know that I will ever be able to just pop into Costco again, but who cares?!

I get to have another baby!

Financially, it has been a hit for sure. Adoption is extremely expensive, much like infertility treatments, and there aren’t punch cards for being frequent flyers. Our friends and family have rallied around us in ways I never even imagined, donating to our tax deductible foundation and finding ways to take what they have and turning it into so much more for our family.

It has blown our minds that people are so behind us that they will sacrifice to help bring this little girl home.

Q: As a former infertility warrior, backed by a tribe of like-minded women, how can we help your cause?

A: Bottom line for me, your thoughts and prayers mean more to me than anything. This is one of the biggest tests for me emotionally and physically and I just want to do it with grace. I don’t for one second take it for granted that after all my pain and struggles, I still get the title of MOM and I want to honor that by being the best I can be.

When we were waiting for our Jude after losing Gabriel, I bought a candle at the dollar store to light for Saint Jude. He is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. We had picked out the name forever ago, but something about the way that St. Jude looked on that candle brought me hope and sparked some real joy in me for the first time in a long time. I would light that candle anytime I was feeling discouraged or sad as I waited for my living son. When Jude was born, I felt the pieces of my heart start to mend and I started to feel wholeness again after enduring so much loss.

I know many of you are in the same boat. Our stories don’t share the same details, but they do share the same sentiment. We have worked our asses off for something we never imagined could or should be this hard.

After sharing this with a friend, Etsy shop owner of Leland’s Corner, she created a bracelet in honor of all of our lost causes.

This bracelet is a reminder not to give up on yourself or your dreams.

They matter and sometimes we just need a reminder to keep our eye on the prize as we endure through the pain.

You can buy the St. Jude (oil diffusing) Bracelet and 100% of the sale will go directly to our adoption fund.

Buy a bracelet for yourself or a friend who needs that reminder and know that you are helping baby girl come home as well.

I'm not crying...YOU'RE CRYING.

You guys. Isn't she amazing!?

My bracelet is in the mail and I cannot wait to wear it proudly and witness this new addition to Mary Beth's home in the coming months!!

Thank you, my lovely readers, for continuing to support this blog and share my voice.

And THANK YOU, Mary Beth, for posting such a raw, emotional, and BEAUTIFUL story.

You are loved beyond belief. XO

Kindness To You

I see you.

You, over there, plastering on a fake smile in the midst of a crowd, pushing that glimpse of sadness to the background as you remember your loss.

I see you and I understand.

Christmas is always so bittersweet, right?
The feelings of those that were snatched away from our lives too soon come to the forefront.

We strive to make magic and memories during these final weeks of each year, vowing to cherish each fleeting moment.

It seems counter-productive to dwell on those sad feelings; the ones that bubble up you stare a bit too long at the glow of your Christmas tree.

However, I believe that sort of reflection is a necessary part of life.
Self-care to sit with the grief for a bit of time.
To allow it to just...hover for a while.

It's okay to feel a little sad this time of year.
I would fare to guess most of us have lost something or someone in our lives that we wished we could have back, for just another day, right?

Among all the parties and social events, there are quiet moments when it's just you and your memories.
And those hot tears streaming down your face mean you care and you are alive.
So, please, embrace them.

Let them flow, and then hug your spouse, or your pup, or phone a friend or family member.
Catch up and laugh and cry.

Gather friends for a very casual dinner.
Lay some flowers on a grave site.
Play fetch with your pets for a few extra minutes.
Bite your tongue when the urge for anger rises.
Give the kids an extra dessert.
Sip another glass of wine.

Slow. Down. and give some kindness to yourself.

I, for one, am smack dab between the one-year mark of two rather monumental losses in my personal life. We lost our most beloved French Bulldog, Crash, and at this time last year, I was still carrying my baby boy.

I read my first published essay to Mark, about our IVF struggles and life thereafter, and it re-hashed some vivid moments regarding our miscarriage. Reading those words out loud stung more than typing them, and we sat and hugged and cried together.

We remembered how crazy it was to get the voicemail to tell us I was pregnant.
How we were given new titles of Mom and Dad that day.
And the joy that surrounded our success and the love we felt from those near and far.

It was such a great time and we will forever treasure the brief moments we had with our little boy.

So this Christmas, we are talking a lot.
When we are sad, we slow down and embrace each other, as tightly as needed.
And when we are happy, we celebrate.

We are turning towards each other, extending kindness, knowing how fragile our emotions are this month.

I urge you to do the same.
To vocalize the happy moments and the sad ones, too.
You are not alone.
Those in the similar shoes, please, give a little more kindness to others, and most importantly, to yourself.

Good Tidings to You, wherever you are. XO

Want a Happier Christmas? Do This

ramp up your anxiety meds

Not quite, although I can't say I'm not already doing that.
#ChristmasBluesAreNoJoke

Hands down the easiest way to be happier at Christmas is simple.

STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT EV-ER-Y-THING.

See? It's like one step.
Easy peasy.

Let's talk it out, though.

I figured a snarky "do this, not that" post would fit the bill. Ready?

DO give a shit about buying presents for those that deserve it family.
DON'T give a shit about them being perfectly wrapped.

Yes, wrapping paper and tags and bows and ribbons are super cute, but it's also annoying as shit when the seams don't line up, the paper won't cut nicely, the tape gets stuck to your hand, the dogs ass is in the way, and something tears in transit to the party you're headed to.
The expectations are too high these days!

Plus, we all know how quickly those little hyenas (I mean kids, and Hell...my husband for that matter) tear through that beautifully wrapped paper, just to quickly GASP at the present, fling it aside, and move onto the next one.

What took you 20 minutes per present is undone in the blink of an eye.

Side note: I wish I could say I'm one of those people that can pre-wrap gifts and display them under the tree so I can admire my own handi-work. But the reality is, I have a fat bulldog that likes to snoop around and chew up boxes and a really old cat that tends to have trouble finding his litter box.

It's quite the shit show. pun intended

DO spend some time with loved ones
DON'T feel obligated to spend ALL your time with EVERYONE just because it's Christmas.

You have important things to do like sleep, nap, zone out, get drunk and pet your dog, get drunk and admire your Christmas decor, just stop doing stuff for five minutes, etc, etc.

DO plan out the meal if hosting a festive dinner
DON'T get worked up if all the table settings don't match.

Anyone who is anyone I know doesn't own table settings for 20 people.
If you do (where do you keep your secrets?)
SO WHAT if the kids have to eat on paper plates.
SO WHAT if you decide to pull out the 4th of July paper plates FOR EVERYONE because you worked you ass off all day in the kitchen and the LAST thing you wanna do is clean up after all those scavengers destroy your house, eat all your food, and complain about their latest ailments for most of the evening.

I love a good game plan heading into any hosted event. But not all the details need to be perfect. Something catches on fire, dishes get broken, you lose track of time and can't squeeze in a shower, your husband is always no where to be found just as guests arrive (early) and demand cocktails.

Which leads me to....

DO chill champagne and festive beer in the fridge
DON'T expect to serve everyone some hand-shook cocktail all night.

Take a cue from me.
NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TEST OUT THOSE AMATEUR BARTENDING SKILLS.

I love a fancy cocktail more than anyone, with all the unique ingredients and accouterments, but there is definitely a time and a place.
And that place is most definitely NOT at your big Christmas party (unless you HIRED a bartender, in which case...where is my invite!?)

You know what looks festive AF and takes zero effort?
Pink champagne and a maraschino cherry.
Just give it a fancy name like Rudolph Bubbly and people will think you put more thought into it than you actually did. People just wanna get drunk anyways, so why make it complicated?

DO decorate to some extent for Christmas.
DON'T worry if you give up half-way 

The main thing I keep thinking of with every piece of glitter-bombed decor I put up?
It has to all come down at some point.

And who honestly has time to make their house look like a Homegoods display?!
If you do, more power to you...but it should be because you WANT to, not because you feel obligated.

If it's not, just do what I did and forgo anything on the Christmas tree.
The lights look just fine by themselves. All I have to do is unplug the tree and shove it back in the box in January.

DO make your husband buy some of the gifts on your list
DON'T do it all yourself

AND if you're feeling extra sassy...make him wrap the damn things too. While you're watching him apply his third layer of tape over the wrinkled paper (how did that actually happen?) gulp your wine and remember the above motto....the hyenas will tear it off faster than you can blink an eye.

DO something that brings YOU joy this Christmas
DON'T tailor the magic to everyone else on your list

Just because my husband and I don't have kids doesn't mean we can't do the fun kid-stuff for Christmas! You can bet your ass we'll be buying McDonald's and cruising around one evening looking at all the Christmas lights!

Or just getting all festive in some Christmas pj's and dancing around like fools.
Party of 2 y'all!!

Yes, I know all you women out there can make the most magical moments, pick the best gifts, cook the best food, and host your asses off....but that doesn't mean you have to kill yourself in the process!!

If it brings you joy, do it.
If you hesitate and would rather not.
Fucking don't do it.
You don't need that kind of pressure in your life!

We can't be everything to everyone, and the only person that truly matters is your own personal sense of health and well-being. If things fall off your plate, literally and figuratively, then let it be.

There will always be someone else to gather the pieces or a dog to lick up the scraps.

Tis the season, folks! Thanks for reading!! XO