I never fathomed in a million years that I would still be struggling each week with my thoughts and emotions. I find myself fighting to get back to the old normal, while pushing the glimpses of a new normal aside.
I do recognize I am getting better.
My outbursts aren't as irrational.
I don't cry as often.
Right now I am certain of a few things...
I can't commit to plans, much less make decisions outside of work.
I lost my sense of humor and don't grasp sarcasm that well.
I don't tolerate bullshit in the slightest.
I'm a real peach, I tell ya.
I have been trying to be fun-loving and care-free...but I just can't.
And then I get mad at myself because I can't and don't understand why.
I'm not cutting myself any slack.
I see my husband rolling through life like December never happened. He seems to be past the worst of his grief, even if it does creep to the surface here or there. It's very rare if it does.
I see that and I don't understand why I'm not in the same place.
Why can't I just move forward and be normal, right?
When does it end?
None of this has an answer and not having a timeline for completion is literally making me insane.
I am exhausted with trying to justify why I'm acting crazy, or irrational at certain situations.
And I am tired of apologizing.
What I need is a little acceptance from those closest to me.
To hope that this isn't my new forever.
To know I AM getting the help I need.
To stop being so god damned pushy. Pushy belongs no where in my healing process.
I am literally exhausted from doing all the normal things I do in a week: hit the gym, meal prep, shower, go to work, connect with my husband and spend time with our pets, create beautiful things, grocery shop, clean the house.
And you can believe me when I say that I am so very frustrated with myself for hardly having any additional energy to be social. I tried it earlier this year and it made me a miserable cow.
When I was feeling good, I could plaster on a fake smile and get through the event, even if I wasn't feeling it...but right now I just can't.
My sleep is still broken.
My heart still hurts.
I still well up with tears.
I have headaches most days and a lot of tension in my shoulders.
But I am getting better with each passing day.
My therapist has reiterated that I don't need permission or persuasion from ANYONE, to do or feel one way or another. That I need to carve out more time for me...not only to spend time with the emotions surrounding grief...but also to just do what is good for my soul...whatever that is.
And what has been good for my soul right now is designing, and then doing nothing else.
We wrapped up our bedroom renovation last weekend and I couldn't be happier.
The next day, I grocery shopped and perused the aisles of Home Depot with my dog.
When I got home, I had to take a nap because I was overwhelmed.
Do you see how fragile I am right now?
As a challenging, always winning, Type A person...I wish you could understand how weird this is for me.
To need a nap because I went grocery shopping.
To get angry when someone is sarcastic with me.
To feel beaten down when someone tries to push me to be social.
To feel dizzy when someone asks me to make a decision.
To feel like the whole world views me as an alien.
To have people talk really, really slowly to me because they see me starting to get worked up over something small.
What is good for my soul is simplicity. I just wish I could implement it better.
There will always be plans. I am happy to be invited to them. I just know I can't commit to a lot of them.
My goal for April is to be more selfish. I guess I thought I was but apparently it's not enough.
I'm so used to making all the plans and decisions, and I totally get how weird it is to pull a 180 and back completely away from all of it.
My husband has been especially shocked. Simple questions like what should we eat for dinner are typically met with, please make the decision, I don't care.
It's rude. But like I said...I have no capacity right now for small talk. I am short with people.
I don't really mean it, but I really am so bone-tired most days that I am not nice.
I am expecting everyone around me to pick up my slack. I guess I never realized just how much I did before all Hell broke loose. I really did hold a lot of ropes together to keep the boat afloat.
Anyways, I suppose that's enough rambling for one day.
If you are going through something similar, please know that all of this is completely normal.
I would have laughed if someone said that to me three months ago, but it really is true.
At some point I will be a more consistently positive person, but today is not that day.
Thanks for reading. XO
I have a good one for you. Through IVF we did get pregnant again over a year after our miscarriage but in conversation with my hubby at one point I was saying something about the pregnancy and he says 'well you don't know what that means you have never been pregnant before'....say what??? It just seems like men register this stuff different than we do. That blew my mind and I reminded him um yes I have. Anyway, I agree with taking plenty of time for yourself.
ReplyDeleteThis kind of grief is so hard, I think, because it's hard for people to understand. It's not "just" a miscarriage or "just" a negative pregnancy test after an embryo transfer. That was a real baby to you, that was your future. I've learned that I have a new normal now after all this infertility stuff. I'm a different person. I'm not going to be the same as I was, in good ways and bad ways. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you walk this path. I hope you can go easy on yourself and both you and the people close to you can cut you some slack. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to wait a day to respond so that I said this correctly.
ReplyDeletePutting your grieving aside (not because it's not relevant, at all, but because it doesn't define you) I have been thinking so much about self care in general this year. I think us type A get a million things done in one day all perfectly is completely overrated and NOT how we are supposed to do things day by day. Of course busy days will exist, and we will tackle them, but taking a nap on the weekend while working full time job, maintaining a home and husband and dog and redoing a master bedroom....well, a nap is OK. In fact, it SHOULD happen!
A major shift I made this year is actually sitting down during my day and accepting that is OK. Most of the times it's to fold laundry and to (GASP!) watch a TV show in the middle of the day. I used to feel so guilty about it (WHY exactly?) but now I'm all HELL YEAH. Big Little Lies time.
I guess my point with all this is that it's OK to slow down, grieving or not. Add grieving into the equation and my goodness, take that nap. And don't feel bad about it for one second.
Here's to being selfish!!! Take your time friend.
A year ago I could have written this. I've made it through the grief process, but it took a full year, and I still feel slightly alien. You're not an alien to me, friend. It gets better. Take the nap.
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