Expired

Last Wednesday, I was 5dp5dt.

(To non-TTC folks, this stands for five days past five-day transfer. Our embryo grew in a petri-dish for five days, so the day of transfer is based on how many days growth, get it? Good.)

And although I SWORE to myself I wouldn't Google symptoms or take a pregnancy test...I did.

Shocking.

See, waaayyyy back in the day when we were going through our Clomid cycles, and we're talking like late 2014 people, I purchased an expensive-ass Clear Blue ovulation tracker through Amazon and it came with a few digital pregnancy tests.

That ovulation tracker, by the way, was like $200 or something ridiculous.

And I used it for exactly one cycle.

Awesome.

Trouble conceiving will make you do weird things like drop a couple hundred on a piece of shit digital tracking device.....ONLY BECAUSE IT'S DIGITAL.

Anyways, of those digital pregnancy tests, I only used two, leaving me with one fancy digital pregnancy test that I just knew one day would read PREGNANT in bold letters.

What I didn't realize was it had an expiration date.

So on a whim, last Wednesday, I pull the test out of the drawer it was in, and wiped off the dust.
Yep...there was dust on it.

And lo and behold, there was a sticker on it that read: EXPIRATION 3/2016.

As in MARCH 2016.

Now, any normal person would look at this, like old cheese, and toss it right into the trash.

But not psycho IVFers like me.

Oh no...even though I KNEW the results would like not be in my favor (it's too soon!) and that the fucking thing was expired, potentially giving me false information in either direction....I still peed on it. And not even with First Morning Urine (FMU) which is the GOLDEN TICKET of pee for pregnancy tests.

Because anyone who has ever gone through the ringer in any fashion with having troubles conceiving knows....you just can't THROW OUT a pregnancy test.

Even if it's six months past it's expiration date, apparently.

So I started my shower that morning and watched as the little dots blinked away from one side to the other. Once they reached the other side, my results would be ready.

NOT. PREGNANT.

I immediately threw it out and hopped in the shower.

That was so dumb, I kept telling myself. And so starts my inner monologue.
But what if it's true?
Or what if it's too soon and I'm just messing with myself?
Should I go buy more tests?
No, I should wait. Because I said I wouldn't do this to myself.
But I want to know!
This can't fail. It just can't. Or can it?
What if it does fail?

What if, what if, what if....all damn morning.

And I was so embarrassed that I so quickly broke down and took a test, I didn't want to tell Mark.
But the idea of keeping such a ridiculous secret was making me even more nervous.

So I called him.

I did something epically stupid this morning.

And I'm sure he's thinking I crashed the car or something ACTUALLY important for such an early phone call.

I proceed to tell him what I did and all my thoughts about how I know it's stupid but what if, what if, WHAT IF.

And he talks me off my ledge, luckily.

It IS too soon. Stop testing. Stop worrying.
There is a reason I don't go to the doctor's for a blood test right away.
A blood test should actually be able to detect a pregnancy BEFORE a home pregnancy test, so why would I pee on anything before the bloodwork.

Obviously.

So anyways, as I know so many other women are likely in the same position at one point or another.

Don't. Pee. On Anything. Until. Beta.
(not that you're going to listen to me, I already see you eyeing those 3-packs on Amazon)

And here's an article I found all about expired pregnancy tests, if you're so inclined to read.

Thanks for reading about Mrs. McCrazy today. XO