Captain's Log: Sick Day #1,584

D.U.D.E.S.
I am witnessing a real fucking stroke of luck this week.
I have been sick for FIVE. DAYS.
F-I-V-E.

This has never happened to me in the history of ever and I have no idea how to cope.
I am going stir crazy.

When I do get sick, which is a couple times a year, it usually comes and goes in a matter of days.
Three max.

But THIS! This is a whole other beast.
A beast that sucked up all my sick days and delved into the depths of my coveted PTO time.
A beast that actually forced me to the doctor's office.
(I haven't been in years. And the nurse reminded me like it was a bad thing.)

It all started on Saturday.
I had a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned and a cavity filled.
The joy of joys, in my book.
An appointment to really look forward to.

So I sit down in the plastic chair, awaiting with baited breathe for the nurse to slap those fun movie goggles on so I can watch Mean Girls while she stabs me with a metal hook.
But the goggles aren't working.

And the longer she fiddles with it, the more time I am observing her.

Observing that she is mouth breathing....and....sniffling?

Oh hell no...this bitch is sick.
And she's about to stick her ebola fingers in my mouth.

I panic and think about jumping up and canceling the appointment.
The cavity will still be there right?

But instead of doing that, I submit and allow her to mouth rape me with all of the germs she can muster.
She sprays that numbing crap on my gum and proceeds to poke me at least ten times with that godforsaken needle, which I have been dreading, by the way.

I haven't had to have my mouth numbed since they pulled four teeth when I was eight.
It was a lot different back then. There was no mouth numbing spray to ease the pain.

Then she starts massaging my gums with her ebola fingers.
Rubbing and rubbing and rubbing the germs, deeper and deeper into my orifice.
I swear to Jebus I can actually feel the germs seeping into my tonsils and feel them expand, soaking up the sickies.

I finally get done with the mouth raping and attempt to get on with my day.
We are headed to my nephew's football game and then it's back home to rest up before some evening festivities.

And I can already feel it.
The aching, the head throbbing, the sore throat.
It's already started....and my mouth was still numb!

Fast forward to yesterday, where I had to haul ass into work for the morning to greet new clients and put on my usual song and dance.
All the while my eyes are burning.
I bolt to the doctors at noon and get my Rx.

Can I just tell you that I HATE prescriptions? Not to get all TMI, but ladies...we ALL know what prescriptions do to our nether-regions, and let's just say I am buying stock in cranberry juice.
Awesome.

But, at this point I will do anything to stop snoring through the night with one open nasal passage.
I will do anything to wake up without razor throat.
I will do anything to GET OUT OF THIS DAMN HOUSE!!

I have tried to keep busy by doing some light cleaning and making sure to shower each day.
The shower makes all the difference.
Did I mention that I was literally just sick two weeks ago?
Oh yea....tis the season, amiright?

So as Burn takes to chewing up all the firewood and then grinding it into the carpet, I am sitting here blogging and watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. For the 100th time.

Oh, and peeing. Yes, I do that roughly 50 times an hour, so that will count as exercise.
Not that I need it at this point.
With my lack of drinking, I am sure I have already lost 10 pounds.
This little nook of my living room is collecting dust at an alarming rate.

Anywho, on a completely unrelated note, remember when I mentioned I smashed my brand new phone? I ended up getting another one (same one) and an Otterbox case for good measure.

But you know what the most alarming thing was?
When I would tell people, I had the same question come up, from multiple sources....

Was Mark mad?

What in the actual fuck people?! Why would my husband be mad?
Is that what spouses do to each other? Get royally pissed when the other one accidentally breaks something? What a shitty life that must be.

No, Mark wasn't mad. If anything I was mad. Why? Because it was MY phone that I just got and now I have pay for it in full to get a new one.

Shit happens, man....LIFE happens.

So if you are one of those people whose spouse gets mad at you because of an accident, please do yourself a favor and throat punch them next time.

You don't deserve that.

I felt bad enough already, I couldn't even imagine having someone else come down on me for it.
Especially my spouse. My partner.

Geez.
Okay, I'm having a coughing fit getting all worked up about that.
But seriously, ain't nobody got time for a shitty man, ya hear?

And finally, do you follow me on Instagram (@tgendooza)? I am thisclose to 300 followers. Once I hit that number, you bet your ass there will be a fun giveaway just in time for the holidays.
No giveaway and fake accounts, puhleeze!
I want real people that really want to read my shit, because it's awesome.

Until next time, peace and love and send me get well vibes!!