Waiting sucks

Hey.....just writing to vent real quick.  This is not a fun post. Sorry. You may not want to read as I am probably going drop a big deuce on your Friday.

I have been obsessing again over symptoms and fucking cervical mucous and all that shit for the last 3 days and it is driving me insane.
Tested at both 9 and 11dpo (this morning and 2 days ago) both negative.
I'm getting mad that I might be out again. Nothing really feels different besides this ongoing nausea every day for the last 3 days...which is what prompted me to start freaking out again.
I'm stupid. I know. I don't even want sympathy.  Because I already know time will tell and I just need to stop actin' a fool. 
I'm closing up shop for 6 months if it doesn't stick this time.  It's just been an uphill battle from the start between figuring out if I'm "ok" in that department, to fighting with Bayou since last June, and everything in between.  Maybe I'm not meant to have kids.  Maybe that was just a blip on the radar and I'll get over it. 
I don't want to be an old mom and I don't want a winter baby and it all just sucks.
Why did I have to start having the baby itch in the first place?
Bayou and I were just fine.  I was happy. I was content. 
Now I live in 2 week increments and I told myself I wouldn't start symptom spotting again. 
I have been pissy as hell (THAT IS TOTALLY A SIGN, RIGHT?)....that's how retarded it's getting.
I hate waiting. I'm impatient...I just want to know as soon as possible like every other crazed lady staring, and staring, and STARING at the stick waiting to see that second line.
I mean, how many f-ing times do you have to do it during your "fertile period" to get knocked up? You only get like 5 days.......
How many suggestions and articles am I going to have to read and re-read on when and how and with what and try it all again for it to just fucking work!?









BREATHE TBAG!!!!!!!!!

I'll be fine. I'm just having a god damn conniption right now because I can't just wait.

Impatient Riri.
TBag. Out.