Grieving

I thought about whether or not I should write about what I have been going through since our failed cycle.

I can't seem to snap out of it, so I figured, what the hell, writing is my therapy so I'll let it out to the world and hopefully I can find peace with my thoughts.

I didn't think it would happen, but it did.

The grief.
The inconsolable, overwhelming grief from the loss of our embryo.

To some this may sound silly.
After all, it was just a ball of cells, right?
It wasn't a baby yet, it wasn't anything, really.

But....to this day, I'm not over it.

I have my good moments, but mostly my thoughts are clouded with sadness and despair.
I have constant headaches, despite my best efforts to eat right and sleep well and remove stress from my plate.
I have a constant lump in my throat.

We are moving forward with our last embryo transfer, but mentally, I'm still stuck in last Tuesday.

I am sad and angry, and honestly, it doesn't take much for tears to well up these days.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.
How much more I can put up with, how many more times I will get knocked down this year.

I feel like I am climbing a mountain, and every time I think I'm getting near the top, the clouds part a bit more and there is equally more mountain to climb from where I started.

I feel like all my planning, and effort, and follow-through, and questioning, has been for nothing.

I feel like we are no further today than we were, back on January 5th, listening to our possible protocol for the future.

At that point, we were scared, but filled with so much more hope.

And now I have all this pressure.
I have all this anxiety and pressure with this final embryo.

I can't get excited and day-dream anymore about the possibilities of a baby.
All I keep thinking about is how quickly it can be over.

How quickly, after years and years and years of wanting a child, this door could close on us.

I was in such high spirits for this first one.
Our transfer was incredible.

And now it's gone and I am left questioning the protocol, our doctors, and my sanity.
Questioning what I could have done better or differently to help the outcome.
Questioning what I did to deserve this.

I really, really want to get past these feelings.
I just want to let go, and be at peace with this failed attempt.
It's consuming my life and it's tough to keep this fake smile on my face each day.

I am moving forward with Halloween decorations, and plans with friends, and time with my husband, but this failure is on repeat in the back of my mind, through it all.

Time will heal me.
I know it.

Mark and I have our hot-tub talks when I tell him I am having a sad day, and it always helps realize the bigger goal, instead of dwelling on the past.

But this is my reality right now.
I didn't realize how badly I wanted it until it was over.
And I hope to God I don't have to go through this again.