It'll be worth it

I re-read my last post a few dozen times.
The more I read it the more I realized how silly I sound.
I was quite over dramatic about something so insignificant in this whole process.

I guess I am having a hard time processing my dad's news along with trying to make sense of the hand we've been dealt at the same time.

I get frustrated when I have raw emotions in front of Mark.
He sees the cracks in this foundation I have built up around myself and he starts to panic.
Because it was me who turned our sights towards children.
It was me who made him have a different view of our future.
It was me who threw him for a loop.

And not the other way around.

And I know he's scared. And if I'm scared then I know he's even more afraid.

Because I'm the one that supposed to know what to do, right?

I think I've heard, "I hope you know what you're doing" a million times in the last week.

And I'm sick of hearing it.

Because my answer is always the same....."I don't."

I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how we got this far in this journey.
I don't know how we are going to get through the next year.
I don't know how I'll be when I'm pregnant.
I don't know where we will find the extra time it takes to manage another human being in an already stretched-thin 24 hours each day.
I don't know how to deal with another human being in our house of two.
I don't know a lot of the little details.
I don't know.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared to death of the birth.
I'm scared of teenagers.
I'm scared I'll screw up.
I'm scared I won't have the answers.
I'm scared to wear my heart outside my chest.

I love my silly-ass bulldogs so much and I just cry so hard sometimes thinking about my life without them, that I have no idea how I'll NOT be a basket-case all the time with a child.

But each day we have 24 hours.

We have 24 hours to accomplish tasks, eat, drink, and sleep.
We have 24 hours to love each other and nurture our lives and our home.

And I may not know a lot about what the hell we're doing.
But I know what I'm feeling.
It's unexplainable.
This intense feeling I have to raise a child is overwhelming.

So we will move forward.

One day at a time.
And all the anger and frustration and joy and pain and laughter and love that goes with it.
That's the journey.

February is one of the toughest months in the year for me.
There's nothing to do, no where to go and no money right now.
My seasonal depression kicks in and all I want to do is hibernate.
I feel stagnant without a game plan.
But I'll get through it.

This too shall pass.
Happy Friday.
Thanks for reading.